Dear Ann Landers: I am a 45-year-old man and the oldest of 10 children. My youngest sister, “Terri,” is 17, the same age as my daughter, “Annabelle.” The two girls are close friends and spend a lot of time together.
Last week, Terri slept over at our house. Apparently, she and Annabelle slipped out of the house late at night and were brought home by the local sheriff. They had been picked up for underage drinking. I immediately called my mother and asked her to come over so we could discuss how to handle the problem. When my mother arrived, she began to verbally assault my wife, “Jill.” She said the girls’ behavior was Jill’s fault because she had been arrested as a teenager for possession of drugs. Mom decided Annabelle “inherited” her rebellious behavior from my wife. Not once did Mom offer a suggestion about the girls’ drinking or their inappropriate behavior.
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Mom hurt Jill’s feelings and created a rift in the family. Yes, my wife had a record, but that was almost 25 years ago. She grew up to be a wonderful, law-abiding mother and a model wife. Meanwhile, neither Annabelle nor Terri knew about my wife’s background. Jill is humiliated and refuses to face anyone in my family again. Should we talk to the girls about my wife’s past? Do we owe explanations to the rest of the family? I am still angry with my mother for behaving so cruelly toward my wife, and I’m not sure what to do. Please give me some words of wisdom.
— Divided in California
Dear Divided in California: I am assuming your mother was upset at the situation and angry with her daughter, and needed to lash out at someone. It’s too bad your wife made such a handy target.
You and Jill should discuss this with your daughter. Explain that Jill regrets her teenage behavior and has tried hard to make up for it. If you are honest, your daughter will understand, and the issue can be put to rest. You do not owe explanations to anyone else. Please tell Jill she has no reason to be ashamed. She has led an exemplary life for the last 25 years and need not apologize for it. Meanwhile, it would be a good idea to keep a sharper eye on your daughter and her Aunt Terri. They sound like a handful.
Dear Ann Landers: Your advice to “Computer Widow” missed the mark. You suggested that to win the battle with the computer she should “offer her husband something more interesting.” Believe me, this wife could do a striptease in front of the keyboard, and it would make no difference. If he’s addicted, he won’t notice. No wife should play second fiddle to a computer. Time must be set aside each week for them to be alone together. Allowing the computer to be the most important part of his life is not what marriage is all about.
— Know Better in Long Island, N.Y.
Dear Long Island: You are right that couples should set aside time for each other and not let outside factors undermine their marriage. That goes for jobs, in-laws and friends, as well as computers. Thanks for the opportunity to say so.
Dear Ann Landers: Here’s one for your stupid crook collection. A woman in Miami escaped from security guards with $900 worth of clothing from a mall department store. She ran into the parking lot and jumped into a car, hoping to hide. Unfortunately for her, the car belonged to two off-duty police officers. She was charged with retail theft and resisting arrest.
— B.E. in Lake Wales, Fla.
Dear B.E.: What an example of poetic justice! Thanks for sharing.
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