Dear Ann Landers: My wife and I spent our last vacation at my in-laws’ home. They are difficult people, and I don’t particularly care for them, but I have to put up with them for my wife’s sake. Here’s the problem: While visiting, my wife accidentally broke a dish from the heirloom china set. It’s been in the family for about 25 years. Instead of owning up to her mistake, my wife picked up all the broken pieces and sneaked them out of the house. She plans to call a store that carries out-of-stock china and have the plate replaced before anyone notices that it’s missing.
It bothers me enormously that my 40-year-old wife is so afraid of her mother that she cannot say, “Sorry, I broke the dish. I’ll replace it.” I want her to admit what she did. It could be an opportunity to change the relationship she has with her mother and act like an adult. My wife does not want to do this, but said she would listen to you, Ann. What do you say? — The Grown-Up in Illinois
Dear Grown-Up: Your wife should ‘fess up and take her lumps. The unvarnished truth is always better than the best-dressed lie. She should expect some fallout, but if you are standing by her side, she will get through it.
Dear Ann Landers: I am in my early 30s and have been living with “Jake” for four years. Our relationship is loving and supportive. Six months ago, Jake proposed, and I said yes. Unfortunately, he developed cold feet and now says he isn’t ready. I will admit that the idea of getting married added pressure to our relationship, but I know Jake is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. When he told me he wasn’t sure about marrying me, I returned his ring. I told him it was unfair of him to make me wait until he was “ready.”
Jake insists he loves me and that someday he will marry me. We are still living together, but I am feeling a bit resentful. I am hurt by his reluctance to make a commitment, and it is interfering with our relationship. Am I overreacting, or should I consider that Jake is not the marrying kind and move on? I love him, Ann, but I don’t want to wait forever. — Confused in San Jose, Calif.
Dear Confused: Move out immediately, and find your own place to live. Why should Jake make it legal? He has what he needs right now. If marriage is what you truly want, give yourself the opportunity to find someone who feels the same way. It may turn out to be Jake, but don’t hold your breath waiting.
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Dear Ann Landers: May I please respond to “Stepmother in California”? She said divorced mothers should make sure the father receives notices from school about bake sales, athletic events and so on. So tell me, Ann, why is it the mother’s responsibility to do this? Is there any reason Dad cannot contact the school himself and ask to be put on the mailing list? Most schools have plenty of experience with divorced families and will be happy to send Dad the field trip information and sports team schedules if he requests notification. There is no reason an ex-wife should have to take care of these things for him. Taking charge of the information he receives will show his children that he cares. It also means when he misses an important event, Mom won’t get the blame. It’s hard enough to be a single parent. Please don’t make the workload twice as heavy. — Divorced Mom in Wisconsin
Dear Mom: You are absolutely right. Divorced parents should not expect the custodial parent to contact their children’s schools on their behalf. This ought to be a do-it-yourself project.