Dear Ann Landers: I am a 42-year-old woman, married for 18 years, with three beautiful children. My husband, “Herbert,” is 20 years older than I am. After our last child was born 12 years ago, he informed me that he no longer had any interest in sex. He assured me it wasn’t my fault. He simply didn’t want intimacy. He told me it was OK with him if I found some other man to satisfy me.
I was terribly hurt and depressed that Herbert would suggest such a thing. I would never be unfaithful to my husband. I begged him to go for counseling, which we tried briefly, but it made no difference. For the sake of my children, I decided to stay in the marriage. Unfortunately, I have been depressed for the past 12 years and gained almost 100 pounds.
I finally decided to ask Herbert for a divorce and told him to move out. Now my children are angry with me. They said if I divorce their father, they will live with him instead of me. I cannot tell them the truth, and I don’t want to lose them. What should I do? — Need Advice in Montreal, Quebec
Dear Montreal: You are caught between the proverbial rock and a hard place. You are too young to give up on intimacy. However, your children’s needs should come first. The youngest is 12. He will be an adult in six years. Can you hold your marriage together until then?
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Meanwhile, I urge you to go back to your counselor (or find a new one). Ask Herbert to go with you. If he refuses, go alone. You need more help than I can give you. Good luck, and know my thoughts are with you.
Dear Ann Landers: I have twin sons, age 25, who are both planning to be married soon. They own a home together, and both couples will be living there until their financial situations improve.
Here is the problem: My great-aunt sent wedding gifts to the boys, but since they live in the same house, she had the store ship the gifts in one large box. Inside the box were two separately wrapped gifts, along with two cards. However, the cards came loose during shipping, and neither was attached. One gift contained a set of pewter candlesticks, and the other had a set of crystal tumblers.
One of my future daughters-in-law opened both gifts and decided to split them equally. Now, each couple has one pewter candlestick and three crystal tumblers. This seems ridiculous to me. Who uses one candlestick? And what good are three glasses if you invite another couple to dinner? I told my son’s fiance how I felt, and now, she is angry with me.
Tell me, Ann, who is right? — Future Mother-in-Law in Connecticut
Dear Future Mother-in-Law: You are asking for trouble. The gifts belong to the engaged couples, and they can divide them however they see fit. The only person who has a right to complain about the arrangement is the other bride. Stay out of it, Mom, or you will sour the relationship entirely, and there will be no way to fix it.
Dear Ann Landers: I’d like to respond to “Staying Home in Kentucky,” who complained that her grandchildren were too involved in sports activities to visit.
I am a grandparent too. The road between my house and my grandchildren’s home runs in both directions. I attend my grandchildren’s sporting events as often as possible. Watching them play is wonderful, and they love having us there. I hope “Kentucky” will stop resenting her grandchildren’s extracurricular activities and become a part of them. The gains will be enormous. — Involved Grandma in Ohio
Dear Grandma: I was deluged with mail from readers agreeing with you. Attending the extracurricular events creates a lasting bond. I recommend it.