Parents don’t intentionally teach kids to lie or scream “Jerk!” out the window at another driver or get into nasty fights.
We try to instill all our best values in our kids. But they absorb what we do, even when we don’t mean for them to.
“A lot of parents mean well, but they aren’t really aware that their actions are actually teaching a lesson opposite of what they intend,” said Elizabeth Pantley, a local parent educator and author of “Hidden Messages: What Our Words and Actions Are Really Telling Our Children.”
“Parents can’t say, ‘Don’t model me today,'” said Sal Severe, author of “How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too!” “There needs to be constant awareness of how their behavior affects children.”
Fortunately, even goofing up can turn into a lesson.
“When kids catch parents messing up, that’s when it’s most important to be a role model,” Severe said. “By taking responsibility for our actions and trying to fix what we did wrong, we’re giving children the best example.”
Here are a few areas where parents sometimes send unintentional messages to children:
Wide load ahead
Most parents don’t tell their kids to dislike fat people or to develop an eating disorder. They say things like, “Beauty is only skin deep” and “Personality is more important than appearance.”
More Top Picks Sensory Meltdown Vs Tantrum How To Tell The Difference
But many unconsciously send the message that being fat is horrible and a thing to mock, said Abigail Natenshon, author of “When Your Child Has an Eating Disorder.”
“If a family is sitting watching TV and parents are critical of the way actors look, that message is picked up and taken in by children,” she said.
Parents might joke, even lovingly, about an overweight relative or friend needing a “wide-load” sign. Or they may constantly disparage their own bodies.
Children learn healthful eating from their parents, and even if kids aren’t dieting, they watch when parents do.
“Parents with the best intentions try to eliminate fats and sweets and only eat the `right’ kinds of foods,” Natenshon said. “What they’re really instilling is that restriction is equivalent to healthy eating.”
Instead, she said, “healthy eating is the ability to eat everything in a balanced and varied diet.”
Some parents give children food to keep them quiet, to avoid conflict or as bribery. “This gives the message that rather than deal with problems, it’s better to eat instead,” she said. “When parents use food as a reward, it sends the message that food is not about nourishment, it’s about performance.
“Parents think it’s just a cookie,” she said. “They don’t understand it’s a life lesson.”
Children who grow up in homes where parents fight violently suffer lifelong consequences. But even in stable families, couples disagree.
“Of all the lessons that parents unknowingly teach their children, perhaps the one that has the most visible consequences is how parents handle their differences,” writes Judith Siegel in her book, “What Children Learn From Their Parents’ Marriage.”
Some parents think that fighting in front of children sets a poor example. But research shows that children react more to the tension created when parents give each other “the silent treatment” than when they fight openly.
“Children who do not have the chance to see conflict being handled in a constructive way do not get to learn ways of managing differences in their own lives,” said Siegel, a family therapist.
But spouses need to maintain control when fighting. They shouldn’t resort to name-calling, swearing or put-downs, all of which scare children and make it seem like anger can override love. Instead, they need to be respectful and listen to their partner’s point of view.
“When children have a chance to see their parents end a fight, they get to see for themselves that all is well again,” Siegel writes.
Out of my way, jerk
Parents who would never yell names at a person face to face still lose it when a driver cuts them off. While the person in the other car can’t hear them, the little people in the back seat can.
When psychologist Arnold Nerenberg, author of “The Handbook for Overcoming Road Rage,” studied what variables contribute to aggressive driving, the No. 1 factor was having an angry parent driver.
“If you’re always cursing and beeping your horn and giving obscene gestures, children think that’s just part of driving,” Nerenberg said.
One of Nerenberg’s patients, with his two children sitting in the back seat, got out of his car in a rage and started kicking the other driver’s car and smashing his window. When they got home, his son gleefully re-enacted the scene.
Aggressive drivers are more likely to be involved in an accident, risking injury or even death.
Parents need to ask themselves if they want to turn control of their behavior over to any and all “idiots” who drive a car, Nerenberg said. “Do they want to let these people turn them into raving lunatics in front of their kids, or do they want to keep control for themselves?”
Daddy’s not home now
Your son just turned 12. He still looks small, so why pay that extra $2 for an adult movie ticket?
“Your child knows he’s 12,” said Severe, a school psychologist. “By your example, he’s learning it’s OK to steal as well as lie.”
Even by lying about little things–asking your child to tell telemarketing callers that you’re not home, skipping out of a PTA meeting on the excuse of an illness when you really want to watch “Friends”–you’re giving kids permission to be dishonest when it’s convenient.
“You can preach all day long about being honest,” Severe said. “You can be good yourself 95 percent of the time. But the one time you mess up, children really zoom in on it.
“When kids hear you lying, it registers, `Gee, I guess it’s OK sometimes not to tell the truth.”‘
Truthfulness is a gray area in some cases, however. What if a child asks if a parent has ever used drugs, for example? Parents must decide whether to be dishonest or just oblique with kids.
More Top Picks Dehumidifiers
“Even under the guise of protecting them from something they shouldn’t know, if they find out later you lied, you run the risk of mistrust,” Severe said.
Money comes from ATMs
Parents want kids to value their possessions and appreciate special treats. When these items are provided without limits, however, kids take the bounty for granted.
“Parents often set themselves up with children in regard to money,” said Pantley, a Kirkland mother of four. “They grab a pizza and rent videos without giving it much thought. But it’s teaching kids there’s an endless supply of money.”
When children ask to buy something, Pantley suggests that parents explain why they choose not to spend money on that item rather than simply telling a child they can’t afford it.
“That’s how they learn to make money decisions,” she said.
Pantley also thinks parents misuse allowance by tying it to chores or supplementing it when asked.
“Paying kids an allowance for doing chores makes sense up front,” she said. “But the message it’s telling children is that if you want money, you do the chores. Then they get a job at McDonald’s and decide they’d rather work there than do chores around the house.”
Spending their own money teaches kids responsibility and makes them appreciate their purchase, she noted.
“If they leave Barbie in the park and there are 16 more at home, they don’t feel the pain of it.”