The great sucking sound you hear is Official Washington, including large cadres of media, all agog over the Accidental President.
With Al Gore, who received about 500,000 more votes, relegated to the capital scrap heap, a Texan who even campaign allies conceded was no policy wonk (translation: not the smartest bulb in the box) and short of Herculean in stamina (translation: a tad lazy) has now been transformed, according to initial accounts.
Last week he was portrayed as verging on being some mix of John Dewey, Jack La Lanne and corporate legend Jack Welch of General Electric. It was a makeover worthy of McCall’s or Good Housekeeping.
An education plan rather short on specifics was nonetheless heralded by leaders of both parties, admiring its less than novel but still worthy call for standards and accountability. Meanwhile, the media lapped up White House declarations about the number of meetings Bush was holding, portraying him as apparently going through the ranks of Congress like Sherman through Atlanta–or Michael Jordan through the Atlanta Hawks.
On Thursday and Friday, the White House spokesman reported that his apparently whirling dervish boss had met with 90 members of Congress during the week, that 12 Cabinet members had been confirmed and that the Accidental President had spoken to 12 foreign leaders. In addition, Bush now planned treks in coming months to Canada and Mexico, thus nearly doubling the number of times he has left the country during his adult life.
The spokesman, Ari Fleischer, was ever-dutiful as he faced the White House press corps, replete with its occasional penchant for the truly tough-minded and relevant, such as a Friday afternoon question about whether Bush would call the winning team after the Super Bowl.
A related question did elicit the reassuring news that Bush had consented to a television interview, albeit not with Ted Koppel, Jim Lehrer, Peter Jennings, Brian Williams or Dan Rather. No, it would be with Jim Nantz of CBS Sports, a magna cum laude graduate of the Bob Costas School of Sycophantic Journalism, before the network’s coverage of the Giants-Ravens epic.
This suggests that it thus may not be long before Oval Office exclusives are granted Regis, Rosie or Oprah. Admittedly, some might find that a needed break after eight years of adroit, if ceaseless, seminars and filibusters from garrulous Prof. Bill Clinton.
On Friday, Fleischer underscored that it had been a bravura week, one in which Bush had displayed “leadership, decisiveness.”
“He’s energized as a result of this,” the spokesman said.
The seemingly premeditated declaration seemed aimed at those who might wonder whether Bush was morosely sitting in a darkened room, staring at ESPN for hours and mumbling, “How the heck did this happen?” or, perhaps, already calling Kennebunkport, Maine, to devise vacation plans with mom and dad.
For sure, the ample smoke and mirrors aside, as well as the early honeymoon fawning, this was a decidedly superior week to, say, Clinton’s messy initial days. Let us all remember, or forget, how those included his gays in the military proclamation, the hullabaloo over attorney general nominee Zoe Baird and the announcement that a future senator from the state of New York would be in charge of devising a huge health-care initiative.
Bush was the well-orchestrated focal point of his tenure’s heady infancy, with Vice President Dick Cheney pointedly filling an ancillary role, at least publicly (and generally lying low, except for a radio interview with the odious Oliver North). For worldwide consumption, Bush was no less in charge than, say, “Neutron Jack” Welch, a man who rapidly dumps subsidiaries if not ranked first or second in their industry.
Still, at the risk of upsetting assumptions about his capabilities or vitality, a few do’s and don’t’s seem in order. All of these are offered in the spirit of a higher good, namely the betterment of the nation, with a commitment to patriotism and principle, a concern for civility and a craving for shared accomplishment.
– It might be best to desist from utilizing that less than presidential, three-fingered “W” sign. It could be confusing overseas or in certain big-city neighborhoods where it might be mistaken for a gang sign and prompt looting of nearby groceries.
– Please have the White House Communications Agency, best known for taping those Clinton fundraising coffees, remove the computer solitaire from your personal computer. It could be awkward if National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice unexpectedly pokes her head into the office, with the Chinese ambassador in tow, to see the leader of the free world gleefully moving the ace of clubs to the top of the screen.
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– Watch “The West Wing” rather than an A&E biography of Babe Ruth.
– Resist the temptation to become the first president to appear on a celebrity version of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”
– You have already started using nicknames, calling Democratic Rep. George Miller of California “Big George” and Republican Rep. Fred Upton of Michigan “Freddie.” Make that it. Thus, don’t lapse into “Sweetie” for Rep. Barney Frank of Massachusetts, “Big Money” for Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan or “Hill the Thrill” for Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton of New York.
– The next time your daughter is admitted for surgery, you might consider paying a visit to the hospital. Be active in exhibiting those “family bonds” mentioned in your inaugural address.
– Don’t keep Russian President Vladimir Putin waiting two hours as you stick to your daily, midafternoon workout regimen.
– Learn to properly tie a Windsor knot for your neckties.
– Upon meeting UN Secretary General Kofi Annan, don’t greet him with, “Hey, guy!”
– During your first address to the nation from the Oval Office, make sure those laminated, vintage Hank Aaron baseball cards are out of view.
– Don’t look around to see where Cheney is, advises former Tribune columnist David Israel, every time they play, “Hail to the Chief.”
– No matter how tough times get, suggests TV producer Jon Maas, resist the temptation to utter the words, “Get me that s.o.b. Dick Morris on the phone.”
– On that big first trip to Canada, don’t start your speech to the Parliament in Ottawa by reassuring, “I can assure you that there is no one Americans admire more than Wayne Gretzky.”
– Upon meeting French President Jacques Chirac, don’t greet him with, “Hey, guy!”
– Refrain from naming Ricky Martin to head the National Endowment for the Arts.
– When Clinton calls, claiming he needs to drop by to find a $450 Callaway driver given him by Steven Spielberg and left behind, tell him you’ll get it to Chappaqua, N.Y., by FedEx.
– Upon meeting Pope John Paul II, don’t ask where he buys those Popemobiles.
– Don’t joke with Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld about “getting our people out of Kosovo and nuking the damn place.”
– When interviewed on “The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer,” don’t admit to having just read Drew Carey’s autobiography and “Dave Barry Turns 50.”
– You did it with your dad once, after getting tanked and running over some trashcan with the car, but don’t challenge Putin to “go mano a mano.” He’s a former judo champ.
– Don’t have a White House Conference on Race featuring only failed presidential candidate Alan Keyes, Pat Sajak and motivational speaker Tony Robbins.
– You’re the president now, so you need not appear on “Larry King Live” with Carl Reiner, F. Lee Bailey and Las Vegas legends Siegfried and Roy.
– When Jesse Jackson calls to extort a government jet to try to settle some Central African civil war, threatening to chain himself to the White House front gate if you don’t, give him the toll-free Southwest Airlines number.
– When Florida Gov. Jeb Bush calls to inform that a full recount shows that you actually lost the state, just respond, “Jeb who?”