This week the rumor began to haunt me, make me sweat, take over my dreams.
I would hear more bad news about the Bears. Then out of nowhere a colleague or insider would mention the rumor. Bad news. Rumor. Bad news. …
Word from people who know Bill Parcells is that he wants to return to the NFL, but only for the “right situation.” He’ll want around $5 million a year and total control of the football operation. He had his eye on Miami, but Dave Wannstedt has solidified himself with owner Wayne Huizenga. He has no interest in Washington and owner Daniel M. Ego.
More Top Picks Best Green Light Bulbs For Migraine Relief
Of course, no mention of the Bears. The NFL assumes the McCaskey family would never be so boldly brilliant to go after the one man who could solve all their problems, a combination Mike Ditka-Jim Finks, an explosive blue-collar coach/GM who would fit Chicago like snow chains. Bears coach Bill Parcells? Pure fantasy.
But as I sat before a computer screen as blank as the Bears’ future, a scene seized my battered psyche and spilled forth. I began to type with the joyous urgency of Scrooge on Christmas morning. Indulge me.
The phone rings Christmas afternoon. News conference, 5 p.m., Halas Hall. The Bears have finished 4-12 with a 34-3 loss in Detroit. Could coach Dick Jauron, who called for a 34-yard field goal with a minute and a half left, be fired?
At 5 p.m., Virginia McCaskey is ushered onto the Halas Hall stage, followed by husband Ed and their 11 children. The microphone is adjusted down to Virginia, whose small voice trembles as she begins.
“We’re sorry if we’ve interrupted family gatherings,” she says, “but we wanted to do this on Christmas Day because we hope this is the best present we could give Bears fans. As a family we want to apologize for all the misery and embarrassment our team has caused this season. Dick Jauron is a fine young man, but he obviously is not the coach we need to lead us toward our new stadium.
“So as a family, we have decided to pull completely back from the football operation. This includes my oldest son Michael, who has been more involved the last two years than we have acknowledged. I apologize for Michael. His hirings of coach Jauron and Mark Hatley have, to be blunt, just curled my hair.
“So at this time I want to introduce the new head coach and general manager of the Chicago Bears. My father never could have imagined a day we would pay $5 million a year for a coach. But this one does two very important jobs. And when you consider Mark Hatley just spent almost $50 million for two players I sometimes wouldn’t give two cents for (Phillip Daniels and Thomas Smith), I believe this coach is a bargain.
“He has taken teams to three Super Bowls, winning two. You might know him by his nickname, the Tuna. Ed and I are calling this `Christmas Tuna,’ in honor of a very funny play we attended at the Shubert. Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Parcells.”
A side door opens and Parcells strides onto stage to the gasps of the Chicago media. He’s wearing a white turtleneck–no tie–beneath a dark suit that looks as if he never got around to getting altered. Put a hard hat on him and he could double as hardheaded foreman at any downtown Chicago construction site.
Parcells leans down and kisses Virginia on the forehead. Then he adjusts the mike with the authority of Brett Favre flipping the towel onto the center’s back before taking the snap. Parcells has done this before.
“I am standing here,” he says, “because the Chicago Bears are a cornerstone franchise of the National Football League and I intend to lead them back to where they belong, the Super Bowl.”
Objectivity among the media corps melts as several TV and radio reporters can’t help applauding. Several newspaper reporters can barely restrain themselves. Roars of Bears fans watching live at home send ice falling from buildings.
“Now I’m going to be honest with you,” Parcells continues. “This is a lousy football team right now, OK? We’ve got a long way to go, OK? But there’s a new sheriff in town.”
Sitting among teammates in the back of the auditorium, James “Big Cat” Williams, Curtis Enis and Walt Harris look as if they’ve seen their own ghosts.
Coming on stronger than Tony Soprano, Parcells says: “To paraphrase an old quote of mine, I will be buying the groceries and preparing the meal, but first I’ll be cleaning out the cupboard. I will promise you this: Next year we will not have players threatening mutiny if Shane Matthews doesn’t start, because Shane won’t be here.
“I’ve looked at the tapes. I’m sure Shane’s a nice guy, OK? But do you people remember that this team fell behind 31-0 at Washington last year with Shane playing? He stunk it up against Green Bay last year and this year, and at Buffalo. The Chicago Bears can do better.
“So we will go to camp with Jim Miller as our starter, if his Achilles’ heals. I’ll bring in a backup and I’ll be looking for a starter if Jim doesn’t show me something quick.
“Cade McNown has to prove to me he’s anything but a spoiled kid who can’t play. OK? I’d trade him if I thought there was any market for him. For now he’s third-string.
“I want James Allen on my team, but not as a starter. I’ll be looking to draft or acquire a running back. So many mistakes have been made that there’s only so much I can do. But pretty soon I’ll find the guys who want to pay the price you have to pay to win in this league.”
Within an hour Bears fans have jammed downtown just to honk horns and chant Parcells’ name. The next morning the Halas Hall switchboards are jammed with calls for season tickets. President Ted Phillips is so stunned he considers increasing the price of the personal seat licenses that will help fund the new stadium.
The city is as alive as it has been since Michael Jordan’s last shot. Strangers passing on sidewalks trade knowing smiles. Joy to the world, real football is back.
More Top Picks Best Waterproof Hiking Boots For Seniors 2
This newspaper even experiences a spillover effect. A record number of readers contribute to one of the city’s most worthy charities, the baiduhai Holiday Fund. Please help make at least that much of this fantasy come true.
The rest is up to the McCaskeys.