Halloween costume-makers missed a windfall opportunity in Chicago. Enough of your basic ghosts and goblins. If stores wanted to create Harry Potter-style hysteria, why not offer truly scary get-ups?
How about thousands of kids knocking on doors dressed as Jerry Krause or Mark Hatley? Aaaaaaa! Trick or trick. “Frankenstein Meets the Mummy.”
In the spirit of the fastest growing holiday this side of Super Bowl Sunday–wait, we encourage kids to celebrate the dark side?–I offer sights and sounds guaranteed to scare the bejesus out of beleaguered Chicago sports fans. …
Bears owner Virginia McCaskey announcing she has sold the team to a group headed by Jerry Reinsdorf.
Sammy Sosa’s eyes lighting up like a kid’s in “Village of the Damned” as he reads that Toronto has given Carlos Delgado $17 million a year.
A Blackhawks game in plain sight on local TV.
Bears coach Dick Jauron, blinking over a decision to go for it, punt or try a field goal.
Dave Wannstedt’s Marino-less Dolphins making a run in the playoffs.
Bulls GM Krause greeting free agent Chris Webber at the airport with, “Yo, bro, let’s chill and keep it real” as a high-school band plays “Who Let the Dogs Out?”
Webber playing golf with Wizards GM Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods and Tyra Banks.
Bears GM Hatley on the clock.
Notre Dame coach Bob Davie with a narrow late lead.
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Frank Thomas up with the bases loaded in October.
Northwestern’s Wildcats, after winning wildly at Wisconsin, Michigan State and Minnesota, having to refocus for another nationally televised home game against a superior opponent that won’t overlook them–Michigan.
Wrigley Field packed for an August game with the Cubs 20 games out.
Daunte Culpepper to Randy Moss.
Stephen King announcing he’ll do his first non-fiction horror book, “Blood and Guts: A Season Inside the Bears.”
The Bulls winning more games than anyone expects–30–then going 30-52 the next season and the next and . . .
Elton Brand in the NBA dunk contest.
Cade McNown flinging toward a wide-open Marcus Robinson.
Kerry Wood awaiting MRI results.
A “Carrie” remake called “Kerry,” with a bald-headed Russell Crowe playing the flame-throwing Wood.
White Sox manager Jerry Manuel’s biography entitled, “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.”
Yankees right-fielder Magglio Ordonez.
Sosa backpedaling for a hooking liner.
Curtis Enis saying he has taken rookie Brian Urlacher under his wing.
Ed Lynch replacing Andy MacPhail as Cubs GM.
Hatley, with the first pick in next April’s draft, saying he’ll take one of two left-handed quarterbacks, Michael Vick or Josh Heupel, but that he loves Heupel’s intangibles.
Pro Bowl quarterback Jim Miller of the Baltimore Ravens.
Bears offensive coordinator Gary Crowton so confused by fire drill substitutions that defensive coordinator Greg Blache winds up at tight end.
Krause repeatedly seen scouting Princeton games.
First-year Lakers coach Tim Floyd leading Los Angeles to its third straight NBA title, aided by former assistants Frank Hamblen and Tex Winter.
Sosa, with a new six-year contract, showing up for spring training looking nearly as big as Big Cat Williams.
The NCAA investigating undefeated, third-ranked DePaul.
Five-million-a-year free agent Phillip Daniels of the Bears admitting he’s actually Daniel Phillips, an insurance agent from Jenks, Okla., who quit football after 9th grade.
New Bears radio analyst Eric Dickerson.
Reinsdorf allowing pet Sox TV analyst Darrin Jackson to also do color on Bulls games.
Immature Bulls rookie Jamal Crawford showing up the wrong night at the United Center, playing the first hockey game of his life and scoring what he calls a “lid trick” as the Blackhawks win.
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CBS’ Mike Ditka absent-mindedly referring to the Bears’ coach as Dick Smothers.
Bears President Ted Phillips firing Jauron and naming Blache head coach.
Me, doing the macarena naked on Wrigley’s mound.