Before Jay Leno, David Letterman and Dennis Miller, the soon-to-be football announcer, were born, there was Bob Hope to skewer the nation’s political class.
Like many, I grew up in a home where Hope was a king. My German immigrant father brought all proceedings to a stop when a Hope special aired on NBC, replete with sidekick Jerry Colonna, a leggy babe and Phyllis Diller, who was Roseanne before Roseanne.
There’s a nifty Hope exhibition at the Library of Congress, with a huge collection of memorabilia donated by him, including his stunningly large collection of jokes. Hope not only kept but cataloged all of them, enabling the library to digitally scan and index 85,000 pages of jokes.
One more time: 85,000 pages. With six, seven or eight jokes on many pages, you do the math.
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So I wandered over for a few hours and started inspecting more than 60 years of political humor from the nation’s most enduring comedian. In the process, I was reminded how fleeting political notoriety can be, with many of his targets lost on me, as well as the context.
But if I had a buck for every bad joke about Billy Carter or the budget (hundreds of the latter), I could retire wealthy. Ditto the jokes about Dwight Eisenhower’s penchant for golf, Soviet leaders drinking vodka or the size of the Kennedy family.
You do remember Billy, don’t you? And Averell Harriman? And Harold Stassen?
Well, in what I hereby proffer as a cultural foray (of debatable utility) is a potpourri of Hope political jokes. Most of them surely endeared him to, not infuriated, the pols mentioned, and most were culled from NBC shows and some of the thousands of other public appearances he made.
And, in case you begin cringing quickly, may I inform you (and defensively so) that for every one of the below, I passed over five to 10 which really seemed awful.
I bought my wife a pair of those new Eisenhower nylons. Guaranteed not to run. (1948, amid calls for World War II hero Dwight Eisenhower to seek the White House)
The American, British, French and Russian officials celebrated the end of the blockade by staying up all night drinking a mixture of tea, vodka, champagne and bourbon. It was really an historic occasion. For the first time since the airlift started, the planes over Berlin were buzzed by people. (1949, end of the Russian blockade of the West-run sector of Berlin that had forced the Allies to fly in food, coal and other cargo)
And I knew we were getting close to Ohio. A pigeon flew by wearing a Taft button. (1951, in Bellair, Ohio, referring to “Mr. Republican,” Sen. Robert A. Taft of that state)
Eisenhower is president, you know. It’s official. He was just approved by Col. McCormick. (1953, referring to the political clout of baiduhai publisher Robert McCormick)
When Molotov walked into the conference, Dulles said, “What’ll you have?” Molotov said, “Pabst Blue Ribbon and everything west of the Mississippi.” (1954, regarding the Big 4 Conference in Geneva in which Soviet Foreign Minister Vyacheslav Molotov and Secretary Of State John Foster Dulles dealt with the division of what we now know as Vietnam)
It’s a rough campaign. Both candidates have a blue chip on their shoulder. (1958 New York governor’s race between zillionaires Nelson Rockefeller and Harriman)
But the president is determined to keep fighting for the Great Society. You’ve all heard of the Great Society … based on an idea from Adam Clayton Powell. (1967, referring to the famously cantankerous Harlem congressman)
[Atty. Gen.] Bob Kennedy’s out of the country. The president didn’t ask him to go. Jimmy Hoffa suggested it. (1962, referring to the enmity between Kennedy and the ethically challenged Teamsters chief)I’m sure LBJ and Bobby don’t really hate each other. I don’t believe Bobby really slipped a fire extinguisher cartridge in LBJ’s barbecue lighter. … And I don’t believe LBJ is paroling Jimmy Hoffa. (1968)
Now you know why he doesn’t have time to comb his hair. (Upon the birth of Robert and Ethel Kennedy’s 10th child)
In conclusion, you’re lucky to be here. Things are so rough back home, Jane Fonda offered America to the Indians … and they refused it. (1971, somewhere in Alaska, thankfully)
And we’re delighted that Jimmy Carter and Jerry Brown are both here tonight. I knew Jerry Brown was here . . . I saw his skateboard parked outside. (1976, during the Democratic primaries)
Amy is going to be just like any other little Washington girl and go to the local public school … as soon as they put in a landing strip for Air Force One. (1976)
They’re gonna let her try the public school for awhile, and if she likes it, they may start letting some of the other kids go back there again. (1976)
Billy [Carter] could be our next secretary of agriculture. He knows every type of grain… He’s drunk them all. (1976, one of dozens of jokes about the drinking of the First Brother)
Billy’s moving to a new town, but he’ll always remember his way back to Plains [Ga.]. He can just follow the empties. (1977)
Jerry Brown’s getting a big following among rock fans. He’ll get a lot of votes … If he can keep ’em from smoking the ballots. (1980 presidential campaign)
[Teddy] Kennedy came up with a foolproof plan to win the New Hampshire primary. He had the entire family register to vote there. (1980 campaign, one of innumerable the-Kennedys-are-a-big-family jokes)Rosalyn [Carter] will be working hard for the president, and you can’t blame her. How would you like to go back to a town whose main street has designated chicken crossings? (1980, one of innumerable the-Carters-are-hicks-from-the-sticks jokes)
Sen. [Howard] Baker has a chance, but he has to make himself look taller. He’s trying a new approach … elevator hair. (1980, during the Republican primaries, though the catalyst for this is unfathomable, even to Baker himself, who swore Friday he had never heard of it though he’s a Hope friend but assumes it’s a basic short-guy joke)
Fritz Mondale has a slight lead, but [Sen. Alan] Cranston has been courting Hispanic voters by attending lots of lunches. He’s ahead in the Alka-Seltzer poll. (1984, Democratic primaries, and so much for political correctness)
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If Jesse Jackson joins the race, it will add more controversy to the campaign. Let’s face it, Jesse is different from the other candidates. I just don’t know if America is ready for a president with a moustache. (1984)
Then there was Lincoln–‘Honest Abe.’ His folks named him that. They figured he could always make a living as a used-car dealer. (1987, proof that, you, too, can conceive allegedly big-time comedy)
Jackson is chartering an entire bus to bring his supporters to Atlanta. But he’s fair. He’s willing to let Michael Dukakis ride along … as hood ornament. (1988 campaign)
Dan will be the first vice president with a paper route. (1988, regarding political powerhouse Dan Quayle)
Imagine sending [former Vice President Spiro] Agnew on a goodwill tour? That’s like sending Dean Martin to lecture at Alcoholics Anonymous. (1991)
He used to carry a golf bag. Now he carries a barf bag. (1992, after President Bush’s trip to Japan, where he took ill)
Some papers are claiming that Bill Clinton’s uncle helped him avoid the draft. Well, that’s better than having a total stranger do it. (1992)
Can you imagine if today’s press were around in Lincoln’s time? When he started out the Gettysburg Address with the words “Four score and seven years ago,” the press would report it as “Lincoln says he scored four times in seven years.” (1992 campaign, inspired by the wandering ways of Clinton)
Ba-boom.
Well, I can at least say this now: If you’re in the capital, check out the exhibit. Filled with videos, it is quite good.
And, of course, if you need any John Foster Dulles jokes, give me a holler.