When first I heard Indiana guard Mark Jackson identify Shaquille O’Neal as “the Big Aristotle,” I was not certain this was not some sort of gaudy trash talk, because the next Greek philosopher to slam dunk a basketball will be the first.
Not that Jackson or any of the Pacers should be poking at O’Neal unnecessarily.
They’ve tried to leave Shaq alone and tried to beat Shaq up and still they’re down two games to none after Friday’s 111-104 thump-a-thon, with O’Neal scoring 40 and rebounding 24.
Baiting O’Neal is the kind of foolish bravery found in junior high teachers and fire-eaters, jobs no one walks away from without scars.
Turns out Big Aristotle was not only a compliment, it was a self-reference from O’Neal himself. Shaq borrowed some Aristotle for his acceptance speech after winning the league MVP, something about being what you repeatedly do.
Aristotle was a little guy, see, at least next to Shaq. Isn’t everyone? Thus . . .
Who knows if Aristotle actually said anything of the sort, but at least O’Neal had the good sense to choose the right Greek. No way Shaq could be, for example, the Big Demosthenes, the famed orator who could speak with pebbles in his mouth, although O’Neal manages to sound like that without the pebbles.
“The Big Aristotle hurt us,” confirmed Jackson, who obviously keeps up with What to Call Shaq Today, a slippery list.
O’Neal is also known as the Big Diesel, easily visualized but out of date, reaching back to Shaq’s first CD, a thing called Shaq Diesel. O’Neal has become many Big things since then, all self-anointed.
Anyone named Shaquille, so conveniently and bluntly shortened to Shaq, hardly needs to be further classified, but these things just come to O’Neal and he must blurt them out. “The Big Felon,” a friend explains.
Huh?
“Against Orlando, Shaq stole the ball, went the length of floor, sent the game into overtime and the Lakers won,” I am told, as if I should have memorized the play.
Well, sure. Felon. Steal. Makes sense. If it had been an inconsequential theft, a bit of first-quarter larceny, something small, then Shaq could have been the Big Misdemeanor.
If O’Neal does it against the Pacers, in the NBA Finals, he will need to be elevated to the Big Burglar or the Big Lawyer. You know, with the really significant thieves.
At various moments O’Neal has called himself the Big Historical or the Big Continuous, these references to O’Neal’s place among the illustrious big men of the game.
“I am one of the true, last centers left,” said O’Neal, excluding, oh, Patrick Ewing, David Robinson and Indiana’s own Rik Smits. Listen, if Smits weren’t a center, what would he be, a lawn ornament? Wait. Bad example.
Lakers coach Phil Jackson, without Shaq’s gift for brevity, calls O’Neal “the first frontal piece of our offensive machinery, our primary weapon.” This has not caused O’Neal to help out Big Chief Triangle and make himself the Big Apparatus or the Big Scud.
This is how it works: When O’Neal does something worthy, he identifies himself with some sort of clever notion that requires explanation, something not immediately apparent.
For example: With Kobe Bryant injured in Game 2, O’Neal became the Big Cancun. The last resort, get it?
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“I thought he was better than the other night,” Pacers coach Larry Bird said. “He’s a handful.”
Uh, Larry, a Big Handful.
Try this. Shaq called himself the Big IPO. Think stock market. Going up. The logic does not suffer in Shaq’s variations, the Big Nasdaq and the Big Stock Exchange.
“Numbers, baby,” O’Neal said.
O’Neal even has a description for being sent to the free throw line, as he was a record 39 times in Game 2. You call it Hack-a-Shaq. He calls it the Big Homage. He considers it a compliment to be given the chance to make a Big Fool of Himself.
Shaq is immodestly proud of his dexterity for a man of his bigness. So when he makes a particularly nimble move, he is the Big Baryshnikov, without the tights, of course.
When O’Neal is responsible for bringing the Lakers back from defeat, he is the Big Correctamundo. When he hits a winning shot or comes through under pressure, he is the Big Clutch.
As the Big Luggage, O’Neal is carrying the team or he maneuvers the basketball as if it has handles. Luggage would be carried by someone else, and no ball with handles could be dribbled. These only have to make sense to O’Neal himself, the Big Lug.