Many of us crumble when it comes to talking to our kids about sex.
Yet, today, serious issues surround this subject–AIDS, safe sex, gay rights. But that doesn’t mean chats have to be dour.
They can be informative and non-stressful if you start early and feel confident about your values, said Debra Haffner, president of the Sexuality Information and Education Council and author of “From Diapers to Dating.”
“One of the biggest mistakes is that parents are still under the impression that there needs to be the `Big Talk’ at puberty,” says Haffner, the keynote speaker at a recent parenting conference at the Dave and Mary Alper Jewish Community Center in Kendall, Fla.
“The point of my book is that it didn’t work for us, and it’s not going to work for our kids. We need to work early, to start a foundation,” says Haffner, a Sunday school teacher who acknowledges it hasn’t always been easy to discuss the subject with her two children, 13-year-old Alyssa and 5-year-old Gregory.
The seminars at the conference–including Haffner’s talk about raising sexually healthy children–are tied to keeping open the communication channels between parent and child, said Dara Salky, co-chairwoman of the parenting conference.
If parents are forthright, chances are their kids will be, Salky said. And the children, in turn, will feel comfortable in coming to their parents to ask questions.
“It all comes full circle,” said Salky, the mother of Brandon, 5, and Jake, 3.
She already tells her sons the proper names of sexual organs–something Haffner recommends–and thus avoids nicknames. Haffner’s reasoning: “You don’t give nicknames to elbows.”
Salky also gives age-appropriate answers when her sons ask questions, especially her older son Brandon, who is becoming curious.
“He has asked about my girlfriend who just had a baby,” Salky says. “I explained about two people caring for each other and planting the seed.”
Haffner acknowledges it’s valuable to set the foundation early, but adds there is no need to bring out the scientific charts–at least not until kids are in elementary school.
Still, kids are reaching puberty earlier and learning about sex earlier. For example, girls are experiencing first menstruation at an average age of 12 1/2, about a year earlier than girls did 40 years ago.
Josh Davidson, 13, a 7th grader in Pinecrest, Fla., is grateful that his mom told him “maybe in 2nd grade” about “where babies come from.” When the subject came up in 5th grade, Josh said he felt relieved because he already knew.
His mother, Beth Davidson, said her children bring home questions that are years ahead of what she knew as a kid. Consider this: Two years ago, when daughter Erica was 8, she asked her mother how lesbians have sex.
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A few friends of Beth’s were visiting when the question arose. An older couple froze in shock. Davidson smoothly told her daughter they would sit down later and discuss it.
“Now is not a good time,” she said.
There are bound to be awkward moments, Haffner says. The key for parents, she adds, is for them to be comfortable about their values and discuss beforehand what they want to convey to their kids.
“It’s really important that they think about these issues, that they talk to each other,” she said. “It’s OK if mom and dad think differently on abortion or other issues. But they should reach a consensus about their own children’s behavior, such as dating rules.”
They also can employ “teachable moments,” such as talking about sensitive subjects over the dinner table. For example: presidential candidates’ views on gay people in the military.
The important thing to do is talk, emphasizes Barbara Gaynor, president of Mothers’ Voices/South Florida, a chapter of a national, non-profit group mobilizing mothers as educators and advocates for HIV/AIDS prevention.
In one study, she said that children whose parents had talked to them about sex were more likely to wait longer to have sex than those kids whose parents had not talked with them about the issue.
Gaynor knows firsthand the importance of talking to kids about safe sex. Her son, John Coleman, died at age 31 after he contracted AIDS from his college girlfriend. His girlfriend had contracted the virus from a blood transfusion prior to AIDS blood screenings. She also died.
Gaynor had not talked with her son about the need for him to use condoms. “I don’t want other families to go through what we did,” she said.