Here are some press releases I expect to be crossing my desk any minute now.
To allow the working press time to cover other aspects of the White Sox’s spring-training camp, the team will issue hourly alerts on the level of atmospheric contamination between star Frank Thomas and manager Jerry Manuel. Level 1: The air is clear. Level 2: The air is cloudy. Level 3: Turn on your fog lights and cover your nose.
In a related development, producers of the ’70s sitcom “Welcome Back Kotter” are filing suit against Thomas and the Sox because the note Thomas handed to Manuel to get out of running drills was signed “Epstein’s mother.”
– The Cubs announced they have resolved any future disagreements between manager Don Baylor and Sammy Sosa by having Baylor apologize in advance.
– Conclusive evidence golf is not a sport was confirmed by the videotapes of Darren Clarke’s weekend waddle over David Duval and Tiger Woods, the two top golfers in the world, each of whom has less body fat in his entire torso than Clarke has in his cheeks.
Northern Ireland endorsed the victory of its native son by dedicating this year’s potato crop to Clarke, along with gravy, boiled pork, double chocolate layer cake and all the ale that can be consumed before closing time.
– In keeping with his new czar-like powers as baseball commissioner, Bud Selig has ordered the list of penalties for bad behavior laminated on wallet-size cards for all players to have handy whenever stupidity threatens to seize them. Some examples: Gambling–Lifetime ban, Pete Rose. Drugs–Season, Darryl Strawberry. Bigotry–73 days, John Rocker. Andro-cardiovascular disease, liver dysfunction, high cholesterol, Optional.
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Major League Baseball also announced that hereafter the official designation for the beginning of spring training will no longer be “pitchers and catchers report,” but “Strawberry fails drug test.”
– Basketball legend Michael Jordan and presidential candidate Bill Bradley have agreed to stop endorsing each other until at least one of them wins something.
– The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Auto Accessories has issued a bill of censure against Tonya Harding for allegedly throwing a hubcap at her boyfriend Darren Silver.
“We have long endorsed the variety of functions of the hubcap,” a spokesman said, “but Ms. Harding’s actions damage our recent agreement with Martha Stewart, who shows the busy trailer-park homemaker how to set a lovely table for four while using the spare as a pizza pan.”
The society did say it had no objection to wooden beaded seat covers, mud flaps or car phone antennas being used as weapons and, in fact, offered pamphlets for a small fee to cover mailing.
– The National Hockey League sent congratulations to Florida’s Pavel Bure on having the great public relations sense to propose marriage to tennis minx Anna Kournikova, the news of which immediately made everyone forget about the sport’s other fun couple, Marty McSorely and Donald Brashear.
“Nothing like wedding bells to take the edge off a head bashing,” said a giddy NHL spokesman. “These two people are so good looking, it will be like the Russian Ken marrying the Russian Barbie.”
Las Vegas bookmakers have established less photogenic tennis players Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf as 5-2 early favorites to get to the altar before Bure and Kournikova, but have asked only Bure and Kournikova to see the wedding pictures.
– The NCAA announced it no longer will nit-pick into the high school indiscretions of its college basketball players. It just will assume every high school kid who can hit an open jump shot already has dealt with an agent, borrowed a four-wheel drive SUV and lived with his AAU coach. Otherwise only the Ivy League and Oral Roberts would get NCAA invitations.
– Florida State’s Peter Warrick is expected to be the No. 1 draft choice of the Cleveland Browns. But no one in the NFL is quite sure what to make of Wisconsin running back and Heisman winner Ron Dayne after Dayne was measured at shorter than 5-feet-11-inches and nearly 260 pounds.
A consensus of pro football scouts concurred Dayne had opened a lot of eyes at the scouting combine weigh-in.
“Otherwise you wouldn’t be able to see all of him,” one scout said.
“When they made that young man, they didn’t break the mold,” another said. “Dayne ate it.”