Since 1987, Alice D. Domar has been leading stress management programs for women at Beth Israel Deaconess Hospital and Harvard Medical School. The Boston-based psychotherapist and researcher realized early that mind-body techniques such as meditation or yoga are not at the core of what she can offer women, who as it happens are the primary decision-makers about health in more than two-thirds of American families.
“The vast majority of women don’t know how to nurture themselves,” said Domar, who is married with a 3-year-old daughter. “That includes even basic health care issues like getting regular mammograms and pap smears.”
Domar offered that men can actually be role models for women.
“Look at Sunday afternoons,” she said. “Most men have no problem at all meeting their needs by sitting down to watch football. Most women would never dream of doing the same thing.”
New centuries bring the opportunity for new beginnings–or repetition of the same unhealthful patterns. It’s up to women and, as applicable, the men in their lives to recognize what changes can be made, Domar said.
“Research shows four basic reasons why women are subject to more stress than men in this country,” said Domar, co-author of a new book, “Self-Nurture: Learning to Care for Yourself as Effectively as You Care for Everyone Else” (Viking, $23.95).
Studies show that women struggle more with work-family balance.
“Women tend to feel more guilty being away from their kids,” Domar noted, “and when they are home, they feel bad about not getting all of their work done (at the office).”
The next reason is women are more often perfectionists.
“I joke that women are only happy if they have a perfect relationship with their husbands, every kid is doing well, their homes are clean and beautiful, they get plenty of support from friends and they are thin,” Domar said.
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Though she loves her husband, Domar said expecting him to meet all of her needs is as unrealistic as it is old-fashioned.
“Women older than 50 still cling to the idea that a husband should be everything to them,” Domar said. “A woman can look to other sources, such as friends, family, spirituality, work and organizations. If there are needs you do expect your partner to meet, try asking for one change a month rather than trying to change everything at once.”
The third reason women are more stressed than men is the issue of connecting body weight to self-esteem. Domar said women should place a stronger filter on how the media affect them. One example: A study of women in Fiji showed 13 percent of the respondents were concerned about their weight before television came to the village. A year after television was available, 76 percent of the women expressed concerns about carrying extra pounds.
Finally, research shows women are indeed less willing to make time for themselves.
Domar has specialized in infertility mind-body treatment, with notable success. In one study presented at the American Society of Reproductive Medicine annual meeting in 1998, she reported her 10-week mind-body treatment program helped 44 percent of 174 participants get pregnant within six months, after averaging nearly three years of not being able to conceive.
Here is Domar’s own experience: One day, she finished a speaking engagement early, so she had to decide whether to pick up her daughter an hour earlier from day care or simply go home to spend the “free hour” by herself. She waffled but decided to take advantage of the rare opportunity for solitude.
“Two nights later, I related the story to a parenting class,” Domar said. “To my surprise, most of the women were horrified.”
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Alice D. Domar, co-author of “Self-Nurture: Learning to Care for Yourself as Effectively as You Care for Everyone Else,” will be appearing at 7 p.m. Thursday at Transitions Bookplace, 1000 W. North Ave., Chicago.