FUNNY, SHE DIDN’T WARN US ABOUT “EXIT TO EDEN”
Rosie O’Donnell didn’t quite earn an Alewife for her rude treatment of her TV show guest Tom Selleck because we like seeing celebs being held accountable for the political beliefs they spout. But O’Donnell proved to be quite the artistic fascist when she gave away the ending of “Fight Club” on the air because she didn’t want anyone to see it.
DIRECTOR DOTH MURDER `MACBETH’
Gimmick-prone director David Alden staged Verdi’s “Macbeth” at Lyric Opera as a black-comedy takeoff on every murderous tyrant of the late 20th Century — “Springtime for Hitler,” Slobodan Milosevic and the Ceaucescus. Trouble was, the dumb Eurotrash production had little or nothing to do with the actual opera Verdi wrote.
PEACE, LOVE AND . . . MINDLESS VIOLENCE
Kudos to Woodstock 99 promoters for figuring out why the music festival was afflicted with chaos and violence: It was “an aberration” produced by a few troublemakers. Ah-ha! So it seems that inadequate security, outrageous concession prices and poorly maintained facilities had nothing to do with the looting, rioting and rapes.
IN DESPERATE NEED OF A CLUE
Fiona Apple professed not to understand why anyone thought the 90-word title for her latest album (“When the Pawn …”) was seen as insufferably pretentious.
NOT JUST PRETTY FACES?
VH1 and MTV worked overtime to convince us that both Jennifer Lopez and Mariah Carey were consummate music artistes, when in reality, they are good-looking women with a talent for wearing designer clothes. Carey’s recent single “Heartbreaker” was nothing more than a retread of her old song “Fantasy,” and as a singer, Lopez makes a great, uh, actress.
ALL ABOUT THE BENJAMINS, BABY
It was the summer the dam broke — on concert ticket prices, that is. The long-sacred $30 barrier, shattered years ago by Baby Boomer juggernauts such as the Eagles and the Rolling Stones, was trampled by everyone from Cher ($78) and REM ($40.25) to the ladies of Lilith Fair ($78) and Bob Dylan/Paul Simon ($87.75).
YEAH, BUT DOES IT FEATURE MINI-HITLER?
In the peppiest promotion for a Holocaust film yet, newspaper ads for a dubbed version of “Life Is Beautiful” declared: “Finally, on August 27th under Benigni’s care, this unforgettable movie is returning to theaters IN ENGLISH. In the past weeks, you’ve laughed with Sandler, Myers, Gere and Roberts. Now it’s time to add Benigni to your summer HIT list.”
HERE’S YOUR FEATHERED HAT; WHAT’S YOUR HURRY?
Celine Dion announced on a daily basis that she was going to take a year off to rest and recuperate. We pray for the day that she actually does.
TELL CELINE WE SAY HELLO
Garth Brooks tried to remake himself as a floppy-haired alternative rocker with a soul patch named Chris Gaines, though he sounded more like a combination of Kenny Loggins and Babyface. After the public didn’t buy his goofy chameleon act, he threatened to retire.
YES, BUT THINK HOW MUCH TIME IT WOULD HAVE GIVEN THE AUDIENCE TO CATCH UP ON THEIR SLEEP
Pianist Ivo Pogorelich, known for his quirky behavior and odd interpretations, canceled his appearance with the Philadelphia Orchestra at Carnegie Hall just one day before he was scheduled to perform Rachmaninoff’s Piano Concerto No. 2. The pianist pleaded “personal reasons,” but critics speculated the real reason he walked was that his bizarre performance — it took him 51 minutes to get through a work that normally lasts between 30 and 35 minutes — had produced boos when it was first done in Philadelphia.
GET OUTTA HERE, YOU KNUCKLEHEADS
“Saturday Night Live” presented its 25th anniversary special to mark its 24th anniversary. It used the opportunity to plug another new, cruddy “SNL” movie, “Superstar,” and to offer a reminder that the series once was funny.
HERE HUMMED THE JUDGE
Traffic offenders in Judge Janice Bierman’s Chicago courtroom were treated to a command performance by mezzo-soprano Jennifer Larmore. The singer was appearing on behalf of her husband, opera singer William Powers, to contest a ticket for speeding and for driving with an expired license. After the judge threw out the expired-license ticket, she asked Larmore, “What can we do to make a trade?” She then suggested Larmore sing something she had performed recently at Lyric Opera; the diva sang an aria from Handel’s “Alcina,” tossing in some Rossini.
BUBBLEGUM OVERLOAD
The charts are choked with one-hit wonders, teen sensations and trend-jumpers. Britney Spears, the Backstreet Boys and Jennifer Lopez are the new stars of the consolidation era, quick-buck performers designed to boost quarterly profit statements in the aftermath of the Universal-Polygram merger (reducing the number of multinational conglomerates that run the record business to five); the creation of the $23.5 billion, 830-station Clear Channel-AMFM radio empire; and SFX’s $1 billion drive to take over the concert industry. With such big money at stake, the industry wants hits and it wants them yesterday. Hit me, baby, one more time.
SECOND CITY? HOW ABOUT FOURTH CITY?
CSO president Henry Fogel gets one of our stinky fishies for giving Chicago the mediocre Jazz at Symphony Center series, which is dwarfed by jazz programming at Lincoln Center and Carnegie Hall in New York, the Smithsonian Institution in Washington and SFJAZZ in California.
IF THEY ONLY HAD A BRAIN
At least Beavis and Butt-Head had a sense of humor. The same cannot be said for many of the boneheads who dominated alternative rock in ’99. The Offspring encouraged fans to throw garbage at Q101’s summer festival at the New World Music Theatre, then fled like chumps while children and disabled people in the pavilion were pounded with debris for 15 minutes. Eminem included a song on his debut album describing how the narrator killed his wife while his child watched, Kid Rock became a star by acting like a pimp, and Limp Bizkit, riding high with the hit “Nookie,” encouraged 250,000 fans to “break stuff” at Woodstock, which concluded in an orgy of rape and pillage.
WELL, IT REALLY ISN’T THE NEW MILLENNIUM ANYWAY
Jazz Showcase czar Joe Segal shortchanged listeners by booking a no-name, third-rate act to play the last week of the millennium: the Etta Jones/Houston Person Quintet.
“R” FOR RIDICULOUS
To appease the MPAA ratings board, Warner Brothers released a version of Stanley Kubrick’s swansong, “Eyes Wide Shut,” in which cloaked figures were digitally added to block viewers from seeing glimpses of an orgy. Moviegoers would have been better served if the studio had those guys block the view of David Spade and Artie Lange sifting through dog poop in “Lost & Found.”
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LEFT ON THE CRASHING ROOM FLOOR
The most dramatic moment in the sensationally messy yet somehow entertaining Tim Rice-Elton John musical “Aida” came at the end of the second Chicago preview performance on Nov. 13, when the tomb, encasing the two lead performers and hovering about 10 feet off the stage, crashed. Both actors were injured but returned to the show when it resumed four days later. The tomb remains grounded.
YOU GOTTA KNOW WHEN TO AIM LOWER
Toward the end of a performance at a Dallas hotel in October, singer Kenny Rogers tossed a Frisbee from the stage, and it hit a chandelier, raining glass onto an accountant staying at the hotel. Now Rogers faces a $2 million lawsuit for negligence and causing scars on the guy’s face.
THE REASON GWYNETH CRIED
Responding to complaints that the 1998 Oscars show was the longest on record, the 1999 producers delivered a telecast that, at 4 hours and 5 minutes, was almost 20 minutes longer. Among the bloat: Val Kilmer being led around by a horse. (We’re also trying to forget that pre-Oscars special hosted by a maniacally grinning Geena Davis.)
OH, BARF.COM
Ex-talk show host/singer Carnie Wilson demonstrated the wondrous potential of the Internet by having her stomach stapled and intestine shortened in a 95-minute operation that was Webcast live from a San Diego hospital.
I’LL TAKE A KIMBERLY CLUB SANDWICH AND ARNOLD BURGERS FOR THE KIDS
Move over Planet Hollywood, here comes Dana’s Place, a planned Tulsa-based museum/restaurant that will pay tribute to the Dana Plato, the former “Diff’rent Strokes” star who died of a drug overdose in May. The project is being put together by Plato’s 15-year-old son and former mother-in-law, and it was announced (to TV Guide Online) by her former manager, none other than ex-child star John(ny) Whitaker.
AT LEAST HE CUT THE CHAPTER IN WHICH ALIENS VISIT THE wHITE hOUSE AND REPLACE THE PREZ’S BRAIN WITH A CABBAGE
After 14 years of unparalleled access to Ronald Reagan, Edmund Morris couldn’t write his authorized biography without making stuff up. “Dutch: A Memoir of Ronald Reagan” included fictional characters, including the narrator: This Morris not only hung out with the young Reagan, but the future prez even saved him from drowning!
WE HONOR OUR OWN, I
Three months after the death of Harold Allen, architectural photographer and first teacher of photography as fine art at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago, the school announced a memorial service to be held in one of its facilities. However, few details of Allen’s art, life or 23 years of teaching in Chicago were available. Seems a 900-page oral history by Allen was in the archives of the museum, but no one at the school had bothered to look at it.
WE HONOR OUR OWN, II
During the radio marathon for the Chicago Symphony Orchestra, Fogel declared that he had written the notes for a CD compilation of pieces led by the late Georg Solti, “the only conductor of the century who learned new repertory after the age of 70.” Never mind Leopold Stokowski, Serge Koussevitzky and Pierre Boulez, who is associate conductor of the CSO.
WE HONOR OUR OWN, III
After declaring that he no longer was interested by galleries in the River North district, art collector Lewis Manilow announced a plan to “revitalize” the Chicago art scene through a real estate development in the South Loop. This bit of art-as-urban-renewal would feature commercial galleries and a number of “penthouses” displaying selections from private holdings, including the collection of Lewis and Susan Manilow.
THE WHO SELL OUT
Although Pete Townshend’s old band deserves kudos for its Chicago charity shows to benefit the Maryville Academy, the Who has cheapened its legacy by licensing its classic songs to just about any ad or movie with an open checkbook. Didn’t “Won’t Get Fooled Again” used to be a warning against this kind of thing?
WE’RE NOT A BAND, WE’RE AN ORCHESTRA
Bandleader Jeff Lindberg tossed away two decades of hard-won name recognition by changing the name of his distinguished Jazz Members Big Band to Chicago Jazz Orchestra.
WE ARE PROVINCIAL
Most of the rest of the country can enjoy Bill Maher’s smart, lively “Politically Incorrect” after “Nightline” on weeknights, but WLS-Ch. 7 continues its obnoxious policy of repeating that day’s “Oprah” first and bumping “Politically Incorrect” to the unseemly hour of 12:05 a.m.
IT’S THE SILK PURSE/SOW’S EAR CONUNDRUM
The National Enquirer touted its new redesign — but still delivered with stories about a family admitting they buried grandpa in his tomato patch and a Utah entrepreneur selling clocks embedded in cowpies.
OH, YOU SCANDALOUS DOLL . . .
A talking Austin Powers doll was pulled from shelves after it began spouting “horny” phrases not long after a Tarzan, with a pumping arm and jungle holler, was repackaged to secure the arm.