She worked in the south suburbs and he worked in the western suburbs. When they got married, they bought a house that was midway between their two jobs.
Another newly married couple got rid of their existing furniture and bought everything new. To cut down on the cost, the bride sewed all the window treatments, duvet covers and dust ruffles.
One groom didn’t want to move at all before he and his bride married, but she did. They compromised by buying from the builder who built the groom’s townhouse.
When two people decide to share their lives and hearts, they also combine their respective ideas for housing. Those ideas could be quite different. Before you merge two households into one, consider the following advice on how to turn a house into a home for you both:
- Start out fresh. Choosing a new home generally works out better for the relationship than one person moving into the existing, established home of the other, said Geraldine Piorkowski, clinical associate professor of psychology at the University of Illinois at Chicago and author of the book “Too Close for Comfort: Exploring the Risks of Intimacy” (Insight Books, New York).
“When couples get a place together it becomes their own creation,” she said. “One person doesn’t feel like a visitor. I’ve heard people say, ‘It doesn’t feel like mine. There’s no room for me.'”
When Janice Hartmann and John Wagner of Chicago decided to share living quarters last winter, he moved into her one-bedroom condo. This summer they bought a townhouse together. The townhouse, in addition to being larger, is psychologically more comfortable, Hartmann said.
“It’s different now,” she said. “We both have equal say.”
- Determine your space needs. You probably have an idea as to whether you need a dog run, an office or two and beds for visiting relatives. Those are obvious needs. But you’ll also have to ask yourselves how much privacy and emotional space you crave, especially if you’ve lived alone for a while.
“People often forget that they need, in addition to closeness, some distance to pursue their own hobbies and thoughts,” said Piorkowski. “How much you need varies from person to person and from relationship to relationship.”
Expansive loft space may suit someone who does not need time alone, whereas rooms with doors, and perhaps locks, are a more satisfying choice for someone who does.
“When people get married at a later stage in life, sometimes it is hard to share a vanity or closet,” said Beverly Jacobs, design coordination manager for Edward R. James Homes in Glenview. “They may want to choose a floor plan where they can each have their own.”
- Inventory your furnishings. You’re likely to find some duplication among your two households. Decide what you’ll keep, what you’ll purchase and what you’ll toss. Having a color scheme in mind will put you ahead of the game if you buy new construction. The furniture you know you’ll be keeping will help determine your selections of carpeting, tile and other finishes, said Jacobs.
“If you’re not sure what direction to take, we would play it safe with a transitional flair,” she said. “That’s somewhere between traditional and contemporary so it will go no matter what furniture styles you decide to go with.”
Don’t be too quick about discarding your present furnishings until after you’ve made your housing selection. There’s no telling what might come in handy later.
To make room for Wagner’s possessions, he and Hartmann added shelving to her former garage and put many items in storage.
“In hindsight I’m glad we kept stuff because now we’re in a bigger place and don’t have to buy stuff we all ready owned,” Hartmann said.
Jennifer Biddle, a broker with Baird & Warner in Geneva, advises her clients to wait before purchasing large items such as master bedroom suites.
“A lot of houses don’t have huge bedrooms,” she said. “If you find a house you like and the master bedroom furniture doesn’t fit, you’d hate to get rid of new furniture–or you can’t buy the house.”
- Envision how you will live in the house, together and apart. The way you spend your time will influence the type of home you buy or rent as well as its features.
Hartmann and Wagner had long talks in which they discussed what they wanted in their new home. Hartmann knew she didn’t want a fixer-upper. Wagner wanted an office and a patch of grass to call their own.
“You have to understand what is important to the other person,” said Hartmann. “John was interested in some things that I wouldn’t have ranked high in my priorities.”
“If someone has a lot of time and loves working in the garden and putzing around, they should look at a house,” said Biddle. “If they are working real hard and like to play on weekends, they might consider a townhouse.”
“We find that more and more men are doing the cooking and they are selecting the appliances,” said Jacobs. “Sometimes they both do it and do it at the same time. The couple can get a kitchen layout in which the two of them can work and not feel crunched.”
Bathing preferences are another consideration, she said. If both parties prefer showers to baths, a tub may not be necessary.
“We’re finding fewer people looking for whirlpool tubs because they don’t have the time to use them,” she said. “We’re seeing (them select) oversized showers with dual shower heads.”
- Contemplate the garage and driveway situation. Any home buyer or renter will want to know about parking facilities, but those in newly blended households will have to go a step further.
If you have two cars but the house has a one-car garage, somebody’s car has to be outside. And if the driveway is a single lane, count on jockeying cars.
“Before you go to sleep at night, you’re going to have to figure out who is leaving first,” said Biddle. “That’s something you don’t think about when you’re single.”
- Bare your checkbook. If you and your beloved haven’t yet had a heart-to-heart discussion about money, you will when you start shopping for a house. Lenders and most real estate brokers will want to know how much you make, how much you have saved and how much you owe in order to determine how much house you can afford to buy.
You’ll also want to decide how you will support the home and its related expenses after you move in. Some couples split the tab, some pool their money and others divide the bills proportionately.
“Whatever you do has to make some sense to both people,” said Piorkowski. “People feel very torn when one person feels he is giving more or if one person is seen as stingy and withholding.”
She related the story of one couple in which the woman paid for the groceries, but when she wanted a bottle of wine from his wine cellar, he said she had to pay half.
“Clearly, they had not worked it out,” said Piorkowski.
Biddle recommended thinking about future finances as well as present ones.
“If you decide to have a family, is the wife going to continue to work or will she stay home with the baby?” she posed. “You might not necessarily want to spend top dollar if you think you’ll eventually have only one income.”
- Learn to give and take. As you and your partner create your joint home, many differences of opinion will arise. Whether you flip a coin, take turns or devise some other system, you should figure out equitable ways to resolve conflict, said Piorkowski.
“Couples should be cognizant of the important issues and make efforts to understand and compromise around them,” she said.