According to the calendar and cable television, college basketball is back, which means that no one speaks in a normal tone of voice until after the Final Four in Indianapolis in the year 2000. Who will be the first team of the century? Who will be the player of the ’00s? What is Rick Majerus’ belt size, anyhow? Fortunately, there are exactly as many answers as there are questions.
Question: How long until March Madness?
Answer: Four months for the rest of us; Bobby Knight already has a head start.
Q: Which was more embarrassing for Indiana, Bobby Knight allegedly choking a civilian outside a restaurant or shooting a companion while grouse hunting?
A: Recruiting.
Q: Wasn’t Knight cited for not having a small-game license?
A: Knight beat the rap when the judge realized that small games are the only kind Indiana plays anymore.
Q: How will Y2K apply to college basketball?
A: It will be used to make Northwestern coach Kevin O’Neill quotable. Such as, “Lepore, you Y2K, get your Y2King head out of your Y2K before I Y2K this clipboard in your Y2K2K2K!”
Q: Has Evan Eschmeyer run out of eligibility at Northwestern yet?
A: Yes, but Eschmeyer could have invoked a special grandfather clause, which says that until Northwestern wins the Big Ten title or wins an NCAA tournament game, everybody can play until he is a grandfather.
Q: I have lost track of former UCLA coach Jim Harrick. First he was at Rhode Island and then he was at Georgia and then he was back at Rhode Island and then he was . . . well, where is Harrick now?
A: Stuck in a traffic circle in Nags Head, N.C.
Q: What will DePaul’s Quentin Richardson have to do to become the college basketball player of the year?
A: Not turn pro until after his junior season.
Q: I have been able to figure out a Khalid El-Amin and a Victor Chukwudebe, but just what is a Scoonie Penn, anyway?
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A: A place to keep scoonies, obviously.
Q: Is 7-foot center Chris Mihm of Texas this year’s big man on campus?
A: No, that would be 7-3, 345-pound Brad Millard of St. Mary’s, who makes Bryant “Big Country” Reeves look like Andorra.
Q: Rick Majerus, Flip Saunders and Terry Holland were all offered the chance to rescue the academically fraudulent Minnesota program. Did anyone actually take the job?
A: In keeping with established Minnesota tradition, Dan Monson took the job for them.
Q: Lon Kruger finally has some of those McDonald’s All-Americans for his fourth Illinois team–Frank Williams, Marcus Griffin and Brian Cook–and hasn’t Cook already been compared to Danny Manning?
A: The uninjured Danny Manning, let’s suppose.
Q: Kruger took the Illini on a tour of Australia. The last time he went south of the equator with a team of his (Florida), didn’t they go on to make the Final Four?
A: Yes, but they thought it was autumn instead of spring.
Q: How hard would it be to field an all-Jason lineup?
A: Easy. Jason Gardner, Arizona; Jason Williams, Duke; Jason Capel and Jason Parker, North Carolina; and Jason Kapono, UCLA.
Q: Is it true that the difference between pro basketball and college basketball is that pro ball is about the name on the back of the shirt and college ball is about the name on the front of the shirt?
A: Unless both names are Vancouver.
Q: Just what does the ACC-Big Ten Challenge prove?
A: That gimmicks are necessary to get anyone to watch college basketball before January.
Q: Before January? Isn’t it true that even women’s figure skating outdrew the Super Saturday of last year’s Final Four weekend?
A: What do you mean, even? Women’s figure skating just happens to be the Pokemon of sports programming.
Q: Who is your favorite, Lipinski or Kwan?
A: Enough. See you in March.