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Paco Underhill makes his living figuring out what makes shoppers tick. He and his employees spend hours tracking shoppers in stores, recording their every movement and gesture, like Jane Goodall studying chimpanzees in Tanzania.

Why did that woman buy the house brand of shampoo instead of the name brand? How many towels did that shopper touch before making her purchase?

How many men will walk away if they can’t find a dressing room without asking directions? Answer: Almost all of them.

Paco’s findings may not be as revolutionary as Goodall’s discovery that chimps eat meat, but they translate into big bucks for the retailers who pay for his services.

So while Underhill, managing director of Envirosell Inc. and author of “Why We Buy,” was in Chicago speaking to a group of J. Walter Thompson executives and clients Thursday, we asked him what has gone wrong with the turnaround saga at Sears, Roebuck and Co.

It’s simple, Underhill says. Sears isn’t taking enough risks or having enough fun. When shoppers roam the store, nobody is giggling.

“What you have to do is romance the product. People come into a store for something other than shopping. They want to be entertained,” Underhill says.

So how exactly should one of America’s most staid merchants pull that off?

Sears executives already had the secret, but they didn’t follow through, Underhill says. They should have translated the quirky humor of their popular “Softer Side” advertising campaign onto the selling floor.

Remember the ads? They were clever puns on Sears’ well-known hardware products.

Using the same theme on the selling floor, Sears’ display artists could create a pyramid of real tool boxes next to the party handbags, for example. Or they could stack cans of Weatherbeater paint next to the Circle of Beauty cosmetics display.

It’s the kind of offbeat juxtaposition that has made Restoration Hardware so popular with consumers, Underhill says. The store markets everything from inexpensive kazoos and Slinkies to $1,600 leather chairs and $3,000 couches–all with the same passion and sense of fun.

Of course, it’s hard for Sears to lighten the mood when sales are disappointing and investors are howling. But with so much sharp competition out there, retailers don’t have a choice, Underhill says.

Instead of asking themselves, “What’s happening with same-store sales?” maybe Sears executives should inquire, “Are we having fun yet?”

For sale: Ever wanted to own your own shopping center? Now’s your chance.

Dorchester Commons, a strip center at 1400-1420 E. 53rd St. in Hyde Park, will be on the auction block Dec. 7 at the Westin Hotel, 909 N. Michigan Ave. The center, which is 100 percent leased with tenants such as Osco Drug, Pizza Hut and H&R Block, takes in more than $500,000 a year in gross income, according to auctioneer Benj. E. Sherman & Sons.

Opening bid: $1.95 million. A nice stocking-stuffer for the man or woman who has everything.

On the move: Marigale Walsh, the former manager of Bottega Veneta at 840 N. Michigan Ave., is on the move, but she’s only around the corner. She now works as director of the Escada boutique, which also has an 840 N. Michigan address.

Kudos: Gordon Segal, founder and chief executive of Crate & Barrel, has been named retail executive of the year by the National Retail Federation, the industry’s largest trade group.

Segal will receive the 2000 Gold Medal Award for Excellence at the retail group’s annual convention in mid-January.

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Contact Susan Chandler at [email protected].