Top-secret inside sources tell me Jerry Krause has been hard at work getting ready for the next big Bulls’ moment, the 2000 NBA draft lottery. Krause has been practicing brand-new choreography for when the Bulls get the No. 1 pick again.
I can’t reveal exactly what it is. Let’s just say it will be one of those vida loca moves. Ready for the Y2Jerry? Dance, Crumbs, dance.
OK, I made that up. But why not? What else is there to look forward to in Year 2, A.M. (After Michael)? The very best that can happen to the Bulls this season is to stumble into the No. 1 draft pick again, even if the pickings are even slimmer than Ron Artest.
The Bulls can’t pretend to be in the NBA playoff chase. The Bulls are in the Mateen/Quentin/Kahlid derby, although I am going on record right now. Don’t overlook Hanno Mottola.
More cynically, the Bulls are in the Tim Duncan and/or Grant Hill Deception, a delicious bit of fraud designed to keep those season-ticket renewals going as long as possible. The chances of either Duncan and/or Hill ever playing for the Bulls is as likely as Krause passing up a second cruller.
But you have to admire the cheek. If you can’t sell your own team, sell somebody else’s. This is a Ponzi scheme, as empty and dishonest as running off Michael Jordan and Phil Jackson because management was weary of being too ashamed to show up at all those victory celebrations.
The Bulls ought to put blank silhouettes of Duncan and/or Hill on their game tickets. Have them appear more and more distinctly as the season goes on. Maybe only have the faces come out completely when wet, say from tears. Or maybe print pictures of them in a special ink that can be seen only through rose-colored glasses, on sale in the second-floor gift shop.
The Bulls are selling fantasy and/or whim, anything to keep the cash customers’ minds off what a game ticket actually is buying. And that would be the worst team in basketball, worse than Vancouver and worse than the Clippers and worse than Orlando.
This is a team with a point guard who can’t shoot, can’t pass and is too undersized to defend. A shooting guard who can’t get his own shot, a small forward who has learned to accept the double-team like a postman accepts a Rottweiler, a rookie power forward who couldn’t carry his college team never mind an NBA franchise and three– count ’em, three–centers who have the combined dexterity of a pump handle.
All the rest, including the coach, are from Iowa State, a little-appreciated hotbed of quality basketball.
And none of them, including the coach, can figure out the general manager’s pet plan of attack, a system so daunting and desolate it should to be known as the Bermuda Triangle Offense.
But, the Bulls promise, all of this will change. Maybe they ought to just rename the team the Chicago Eventuals.
Patience is such a shameless scam, why would anyone fall for it? Tolerance does not sell and the Bulls have little else to offer. Come watch us now, say the Bulls, and we’ll get some star basketball players as soon as we can.
Pssst. Over here. In the alley. Want to buy a recipe, used only once? Just replace that Brent Barry ingredient with Hersey Hawkins. And for hint of nostalgia, add a whipped topping of Will Perdue.
Bulls’ fans were fool enough to fall for this once, but can they be duped two years in a row? This is a season of coming attractions and it ought to have a name like The Great Deceit, the Sequel. You bought it once, buy it again.
But I think this. The Bulls are going to get away with it. Just as every game at the United Center was sold out last season, so will they be this year. The Bulls may be selling echoes but they are still loud. To be where Michael soared and Dennis roared and Scottie scored still has an overpowering appeal.
It is like visiting the Alamo or Ellis Island or Al Capone’s vault. It does not matter what litter is there today, only what once was. The United Center has gone from working arena to shrine, sort of Wrigley Field with modern plumbing.
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Commissioner David Stern has announced that within two years, the NBA will have its own minor-league system. I am going on record right now and saying that by then, the Bulls will be good enough to play in it.