Another baseball season is just around the corner, just behind the cactus and just beyond the palm tree. If spring training has started, there must be exactly as many questions as there are answers.
Question–So, what does baseball do for an encore?
Answer–Either “Amazing Grace” or “Stairway to Heaven.”
Q–If that Yankee team was the Greatest Team Ever, and this one has added future Hall of Fame pitcher Roger Clemens, what must this one be?
A–A further reflection of George Steinbrenner’s insufferable ego and endless bank account.
Q–I mean, how will they do?
A–The Yankees will win all their games, get the starring role in Steven Spielberg’s next movie, win the Indianapolis 500, find a homeland for the Kurds and prove cold fusion.
Q–Is it true that Mark McGwire’s manager, Tony La Russa, already has suggested McGwire could hit 75 home runs this year?
A–And find a homeland for the Kurds and prove cold fusion.
Q–Will Sammy Sosa be in step with McGwire from April on instead of waiting until June so we will have a full season of The Show That Saved Baseball?
A–This year Sammy gets to be the Captain and McGwire has to be Tennille.
Q–If Brady Anderson can hit 50 home runs playing for the Orioles in Camden Yards, what kind of damage is Baltimore expecting Albert Belle to do?
A–Buildings in downtown have been boarded up, a curfew has been declared and the Inner Harbor has been mined.
Q–Who came out of the off-season free-agent frenzy with the best value, the Dodgers for paying Kevin Brown $105 million, the Angels for giving Mo Vaughn $80 million or the Red Sox for giving Jose Offerman $26 million?
A–The Cubs for not giving Scott Servais anything.
Q–Why does McGwire need a bodyguard in spring training?
A–Bodyguards need to get in shape too. First they push around retirees and old men in walkers in Florida, and then by Opening Day they can beat up middle-aged fans in St. Louis.
Q–Will Jerry Manuel be the same reasonable, understanding, non-confrontational, Ghandi-reading manager/philosopher with the Sox this year?
A–Hey, whatever it takes to finish fifth.
Q–Will Ken Griffey Jr. reassert himself as the best player in baseball?
A–As long as Alex Rodriguez is around, Griffey is not the best player on his own team.
Q–And what of the pitching? Will there be any pitching?
A–Home runs, more than 5,000 last year, brought the fans back to the game. If the pitches get any fatter, they’ll need suspenders. There are no pitchers in baseball, only accomplices. They’re thinking of changing the pitching prize to the Sigh Young Award.
Q–You can’t just say that. Don’t you need statistics to back it up?
A–Only six pitchers over the last three years with as many as 200 innings pitched had an earned-run average under 4.00.
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Q–But what about young Kerry Wood?
A–A gem in a garden of gravel.
Q–Because of the economic disparity between large markets and small markets, is it true that more than half of the teams in baseball, something between 18 and 20, have absolutely no chance of getting into the playoffs?
A–That would be 19 teams, the number exactly, including the White Sox.
Q–But not the Cubs?
A–If it takes 163 games to get the opportunity to be swept in the first round, the Cubs are just the team to do it.
Q–First it was the Florida Marlins and now it is the San Diego Padres. What is it with World Series teams getting rid of all the players who got them there?
A–Like wedding dresses and coffins, they are made to be used once.
Q–Is there anyone left in the world who has not sung “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” during the seventh inning stretch at Wrigley Field?
A–Hillerich, but not Bradsby.
Q–Why did a Canadian cartoonist and hockey team investor pay more than $3 million for the baseball that McGwire hit for No. 70?
A–The basketball Michael Jordan took his last shot with was not for sale.
Q–How can we be sure that baseball is really back when even after all the excitement with Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire, even with a New York team in it, the World Series had the lowest TV ratings ever?
A–Because Bud Selig says so.
Q–One last thing. Was that really Sammy as President Clinton’s guest at the State of the Union address?
A–Depends on your definition of Sammy.