When President Clinton entered the House to deliver the State of the Union address, the Grouch Brothers sat in their private cocoon of contempt.
Most Republicans went through the motions and clapped, albeit with the low-intensity courtesy perfected by the royals at Centre Court at Wimbledon.
But not the Grouch Brothers, Reps. Tom DeLay and Dick Armey, the Clinton-hating Texans who wear smugness on their sleeves as they unwittingly help oversee their party’s apparent self-immolation in Congress.
This annual rite is always a voyeur’s delight, even more so on a day in which the warm-up act was the impeachment trial in the Senate. It was like those rare days on which the Cubs and White Sox or Yankees and Mets are playing home games; a feast for a political junkie.
Just a few minutes before Clinton arrived and as the television lights went on, there was the air of a high school reunion, with back-slapping and glad-handing going on among returning alums. Your elected representatives were back in town, which means hold on to your wallet.
There was minor jockeying for spots along the center rail, with Democrats Jesse Jackson Jr. of Illinois and chum Elijah Cummings of Maryland showing up early just like die-hards at a prized rock concert. Vice President Al Gore and Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-Ill.) engaged in conversation at the rostrum, just as baseball’s Sammy Sosa and civil rights legend Rosa Parks were escorted to Hillary Clinton’s box in the gallery.
Six of nine Supreme Court justices entered, with Ruth Bader Ginsburg wearing on the front of her black robe what appeared to be a circular lace doily, thus laying claim to the worst-dressed award as she resembled a two-legged dart board.
Then came true pillars of moral rectitude, the Clinton Cabinet, not one of whom has seen fit to exit despite being lied to straight-faced by their boss about L’Affaire Monica.
There was Health and Human Services boss Donna Shalala, who briefly rebuked Clinton at one Cabinet meeting but was hugging him at the meeting’s finish. She was bouncing about as if hosting a cocktail party, bidding hello to Ginsburg and Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, the A-list Capital Sisterhood clearly in attendance tonight.
And there was hear-no-evil, see-no-evil Energy Secretary William Richardson, who had been so kind as to discuss United Nations jobs with Monica Lewinsky in his Watergate apartment.
A few feet away was National Security Adviser Samuel “Sandy” Berger, white-collar warrior who helped mastermind a classic case of Clinton serendipity: the missile attack on the supposed drug plant in Sudan whose dubiousness may intrigue historians more than current journalists or the public at large.
There was, as always, the sight of Janet Reno amid Cabinet members who are subjects of independent counsel investigations she recommended. She sat right next to Interior Secretary Bruce Babbitt, the subject of one, and a few feet from Labor Secretary Alexis Herman, subject of another.
But if there was one common denominator, it’s that they all remain on the job despite having been lied to and apologized to at an oratorical group hug with Clinton. It was a Cabinet meeting missed by Chicago’s William Daley, the commerce secretary. He said he was out of town that day. Whatever. Good for him.
The Democrats cheered Clinton’s entrance like a conquering hero. Even Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle (D-S.D.), who sits glumly in the impeachment trial as if he had lost his entire family, broke into a smile.
“Viva Clinton!” yelled Rep. Jose Serrano (D-N.Y.), whose legislative passions have included seeking a special coin to commemorate Frank Sinatra.
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When Clinton echoed the call of Hastert for a spirit of bipartisanship, DeLay and Armey sneered. When he extoled the big budget surplus, a majority of the GOP rose to applaud, but not the Grouch Brothers, the third- (DeLay) and second-ranking (Armey) Republicans in the House.
Each time Clinton got to a punch line, the Cabinet arose like Jacks in the Boxes, their Pavlovian loyalty a thing to behold. The Stepford Justices maintained grim-faced neutrality.
Some of the Clinton declarations in his 80-minute speech, one of the longer indoor efforts since whenever Fidel Castro last spoke, underscored the disjoint between the Grouch Brothers and the rest of the assemblage:
“We should put Social Security on a sound footing for the next 75 years. And we should reduce poverty among elderly women, who are nearly twice as likely to be poor as other seniors–and we should eliminate the limits on what seniors on Social Security can earn.”
On Their Feet Applauding: all Democrats, many Republicans, Sosa.
On Their Butts, Hands On Their Laps: the Grouch Brothers.
“Tonight, I propose that we use one out of every six dollars in the surplus over the next 15 years to guarantee the soundness of Medicare until the year 2020.”
On Their Feet: the Democrats, some Republicans, Sosa.
Silent: the Grouch Brothers.
“If we can work together, we can secure Medicare for the next two decades and cover seniors’ greatest need–affordable prescription drugs.”
On Their Feet: the Democrats, many Republicans, Sosa.
Silent: the Grouch Brothers.
“All schools must end social promotion.”
On Their Feet: the Democrats, some Republicans, and faithful Hillary guest Sosa. (Hey, is he 100 percent sure what social promotion is?)
Rolling Their Eyes: the Grouch Brothers.
“My balanced budget triples the funding for summer school and after school programs.”
On Their Feet: the Democrats, led by Rep. Maxine Waters of Los Angeles (who nods so ferociously and so often, a Slinky must connect her head to her shoulders), and Sosa.
Motionless: the Grouch Brothers.
“Because Congress has given me the authority to act if it does not do so by August, one way or another, we will protect the privacy of medical records this year.”
Big Cheers: the Democrats, many Republicans, Sosa.
Zilch: the Grouch Brothers.
“We must bring prosperity back to the family farm.”
Hosannas: the Democrats, most Republicans and, yes, Sammy.
Not Budging: the Grouch Brothers.
“And this year, we will lead the international community to conclude a treaty to ban abusive child labor everywhere in the world.”
Hearty Support: most everybody.
Inspecting Their Shoes: the Grouch Brothers.
“America will continue to contain Saddam–and we will work for the day when Iraq has a government worthy of its people.”
Red, White and Blue Support: most everybody.
Checking For Stray Hairs On Their Jackets: the Grouch Brothers.
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“And with our NATO allies, we are pressing the Serbian government to stop its brutal repression in Kosovo, to bring those responsible to justice and give the people of Kosovo the self-government they deserve.”
Modest Applause: most everybody.
Unmoved By Genocide: the Grouch Brothers.
Of course, it would be unfair to suggest that the brothers were in a state of total passivity. That was not even true with DeLay, a former exterminator whose look of disdain for Clinton could only be likened to the sociopathic glare perfected by Bruce Dern in any of his last 10 films.
The brothers clapped for the introduction of Capt. Jeff Taliaferro, a veteran Air Force pilot who flew in the recent escapade in Iraq. And they applauded Hillary Clinton, joining Democrats and Republicans, men and women, seemingly paying homage to victimization and a lady who wouldn’t tell Her Man to take a hike. We live in strange times.
And, finally, there was Clinton’s declaration that “by making other people’s lives better and showing our children the true meaning of brotherhood,” Sosa was “a hero of two countries.”
The Grouch Brothers applauded that one. So, rest assured, the milk of human kindness runs deep.