And now directly from a quiet corner in the Georgia Discodome, we bring you the latest on the condition of the once proud pro football franchise from Chicago.
“There is no new news,” announced Dave Wannstedt, still employed.
Erik Kramer is still out, Curtis Enis is still injured, Walt Harris is still easy. You know, the usual.
Don’t stop the presses. We do not interrupt this program for any bulletins. This is just a test. If this had been an actual emergency, well, Steve Stenstrom wouldn’t be playing quarterback, now would he?
Bears lose. Bears lose from in front. That may not be new news or even good news, but it is different news. Usually the Bears lose from so far behind that they have to change planes twice, which is what most people are doing in Atlanta, come to think of it.
“Football is a 60-minute game,” said linebacker and mental mathematician Ricardo McDonald. “We played for about 50.”
Give the other 10 minutes to the Falcons, and that would be the end of the third quarter and most of the fourth when the Bears rolled backward from 10 up to seven down, notwithstanding that Bears tackle Mike Wells had removed quarterback Chris Chandler with a perfectly legal whack after being drawn offside.
“I heard a pop and a crackle in his knee,” Wells said. “I hope he is OK.”
So say the Falcons. Just a sprain, a sprain with sound effects, but Chandler should be able to continue leading the surprise team of the NFL. Had Chandler been lost for the season, that would have been new news.
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“I don’t think the guy (Wells) had to pull me to the ground like that,” Chandler said, “but that’s part of the game. I guess I’ll be able to play next week.”
Again, no new news.
That is where the Bears are now, unable to do anything significant in their own cause, unable to offer a sound bite anyone cares to hear or a comment that matters beyond the next coach they might prefer. But with five games to go, they are dangerous enough to cause headlines for Brett Favre or Randall Cunningham. Goals shrink when expectations shrivel.
This is how trivial the Bears have become. All the pregame chatter was how seriously the Falcons were taking the Bears, how they could not overlook them, how they needed to keep their focus.
The Falcons. I’m talking about the Atlanta Falcons, the most persistently awful football franchise in the NFL. The Bears being patronized by the Falcons? That’s reason enough to fire Wannstedt right there.
Clearly the Falcons were distracted, uninspired by the Bears after establishing themselves with big victories over New England and San Francisco. The Falcons, and their blaring arena, their posturing end zone punks, their new status as the nearest thing to Cinderella south of Minneapolis, are just a little too national to now be bothered by the Bears.
The Falcons were 2-8 at this time last year, worse off than the Bears. But this is a team obviously moving up, using self-defeating mopes like the Bears as footstools, while the Bears grope for answers to unasked questions.
“Six years of this,” said Curtis Conway. “We work hard. We play hard. We get these results. There’s nothing else to say. What else can I say?”
Well, how about this? Steve Stenstrom makes Rick Mirer look like Joe Montana. Here’s some news. There is a new verb in the language. It is “to Stenstrom.” It means to delay making a decision until the world ends, or you are sacked, fumble or throw an interception.
“Steve’s doing everything he can,” said Wannstedt.
The problem with that is, it’s true. This guy turns touchdowns into field goals, field goals into punts and challenges into turnovers.
“I’m learning every time out there,” Stenstrom said. It does not show on the scoreboard. The only touchdown the Bears managed came from a golden hands and swivel hips of defensive end Shawn Lee. A sack by Jim Flanigan caused the ball to pop into the arms of the stunned Lee, who had to waddle a mere 15 yards for a score.
This gives Lee exactly the same number of touchdowns this year as Conway. “Same thing we’ve been talking about,” Wannstedt said. “Sometimes it’s not catching well enough, or not blocking well enough, or not tackling well enough, not . . . “
Wannstedt’s right. This is redundant. Isn’t there a fresh word about anything out of this game?
“We’re proud to be 9-2,” said Falcons coach Dan Reeves.
The Falcons are 9-2? Sure. I suppose that is new news. Go tell it somewhere else.