So pathetic have the Bears become that they have had to forfeit their usual Monday night function as fodder for the defending Super Bowl champions.
For the last two seasons, the Bears provided the prime-time opposition for Dallas and then Green Bay, but even Dr. Kevorkian would have enough pity not to put the Bears up against Denver.
That opening duty falls to New England, and the Bears will avoid cluttering up any time slot that involves any team the public really wants to see.
Pity has replaced urgency, and when the Bears finally get a national appearance on cable against Detroit in November, only San Diego and New Orleans will be waiting for a turn in the spotlight.
So, while anyone still cares, here is how I see this all turning out:
– NFC Central–Green Bay, Minnesota, Tampa Bay, Detroit, Bears.
The Packers’ Brett Favre will catch Bart Starr this season, both in passing yards and in Super Bowl victories. Vikings coach Dennis Green has lost 50 pounds, making him harder to see but easier to carry.
The Bucs have not one but two giant TV screens in their new stadium that can show up to six games at once, in case the Bucs revert to their pre-Dungy days. The Lions’ Barry Sanders, alas, still has Scott Mitchell handing the ball to him. On top of everything they don’t have, the Bears have the second-toughest schedule and the most playoff opponents. Ouch.
– NFC East–Dallas, New York Giants, Arizona, Washington, Philadelphia.
The Cowboys are now coached by Chan Gailey, whose most notable credential is not being Barry Switzer. As long as Troy Aikman is at quarterback, the ‘Boys can win any game they play.
The Giants have arguably–which is how they play–the best young defense in the NFC. The Cardinals are 100 years old and on their fifth name (Racine, Chicago, St. Louis, Phoenix and Arizona) and have still never been to the Super Bowl. The Redskins are the Eagles in flaming pastels.
– NFC West–San Francisco, Carolina, Atlanta, St. Louis, New Orleans.
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The 49ers are the best of the worst division in football (the Bears might finish third here) and Jerry Rice is back. The Panthers spend more money for less help, again. The Falcons further prove who was more vital during those Dan Reeves and John Elway years.
The Rams have done the impossible: They’ve made Orlando Pace invisible. The over-under on the first Mike Ditka explosion is the opening kickoff for the Saints.
– AFC Central–Jacksonville, Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, Tennessee, Baltimore.
The Jaguars have two Pro Bowl receivers and the league Most Valuable Player in Mark Brunell (as soon as Favre vacates the title) and the toughest coach since Ditka was hungry. The Steelers are still figuring out how to make Kordell Stewart everything he thinks he is. The Bengals have turned to Neil O’Donnell; enough said.
Still the Oilers, pending a new name and a new stadium, Tennessee is anchored at Vanderbilt, where the halftime is better than the football. The Ravens have a new stadium and not just an old quarterback, but an old Bears quarterback.
– AFC East–Miami, New England, New York Jets, Indianapolis, Buffalo.
Jimmy Johnson’s plan for the Dolphins is less Dan Marino, recognizing that Denver won the Super Bowl with less John Elway. Now if only Bernie Parmalee were Terrell Davis . . .
The Patriots have yet another new offensive coordinator to confuse Drew Bledsoe. The Jets will be wearing the same uniform Joe Namath wore, but with Vinny Testaverde or Glenn Foley in it. The Colts and Peyton Manning will be taking baby steps. The Bills’ Bruce Smith deserves better than to finish with this debris.
– AFC West–Kansas City, Denver, Seattle, Oakland, San Diego.
The Chiefs do not need Elvis Grbac to win games, only to get into field-goal position. The best defense in football is aiming at the ’85 Bears’ record of fewest points allowed.
The Broncos’ job is over. They got Elway his title and their owner a new stadium. The Seahawks’ Warren Moon is older than photosynthesis. New Raiders coach Jon Gruden is younger than 56 players in the league. The Chargers and Ryan Leaf will be using training wheels.
Green Bay will beat the Chiefs in the Super Bowl.
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