Amid the constitutional questions being raised in the wake of President Clinton’s revelations about Monica Lewinsky, another equally vivid discussion is going on across the country about the “domestic” side of the president’s troubles:
Infidelity is the subject, and it’s one that many people may find as unsettling as they do fascinating.
Among the many questions that Clinton’s behavior raises–and ones that are grappled with daily from the power corridors of Washington to the bungalows of the heartland–are:
What propels some men (or women) to have affairs while others are constrained by societal or religious rules?
Why do some spouses stay in marriages where infidelity has occurred and others bolt?
Why do some marriages survive it, in the long term, and others implode?
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And how do marriage counselors, religious advisers and other experts approach families who have been affected by infidelity?
Certainly there is a public sense that at some point Hillary Clinton decided to live with Bill’s philandering and that she is not inclined to change her mind. But whatever her public stance, there are bound to be complicated private emotions that did not make her decision an easy one.
Whatever those may be, Clinton seems to fit a classic profile of a man who cannot–or will not–desist from having affairs, and the obvious question is: What drives such men? From an evolutionary standpoint, survival favored men who had as many sexual partners as possible, experts say. But it’s much more complex than that.
“Deep down, people feel that if they could get away with it, they would do it themselves,” said Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a professor of psychology at the University of Chicago. Yet most American males don’t risk their livelihoods and marriages for sexual gratification.
Why has the first lady stayed in the marriage despite Clinton’s two acknowledged infidelities? Psychologists speculate that she might have forgiven her repentant husband in the past and focused on the relationship’s other strengths, such as their love for their daughter.
Or the couple might have been so focused on achieving professional goals as a team that they neglected the emotional side of their marriage.
“They are affectionate toward each other, are good parents together, but in their climb up the ladder they were probably used to dealing with their rational selves more than their emotional selves,” said marriage therapist and author Emily Brown.
Brown thinks the Clintons fall into the “power couple” category of patients she sees in her Arlington, Va., practice.
“Their needs and feelings haven’t been addressed; it’s not in the repertoire of their relationship,” said Brown. “But this marriage can’t bump along anymore. It’s too publicly humiliating.”
Repeated infidelities will wear down even the most rock-solid marriages, family therapists say. Certainly there are marriages where divorce is never considered an option, for economic or social reasons, for example. But monogamous marriage is deeply valued in American culture, and President Clinton’s calmly delivered, on-air confession put a very public light on an emotional crisis that is usually contained behind therapists’ office doors.
Affairs can be the “emotional equivalent of a near-fatal car crash for a marriage,” said William Pinsof, president of the Family Institute at Northwestern University and a therapist for 25 years.
If a marriage can survive repeated affairs, it is because the infidelity stops and the straying partner agrees to answer his spouse’s repeated questions about the hidden relationships, Pinsof said.
“People can come back to each other,” he said. “But it’s not a matter of `I apologized, now it’s over.’ It needs to be worked over, and worked over until the trust builds up again.”
The prospect of a spouse’s wrath isn’t all that keeps potential philanderers in line. Societal, moral and religious constraints have conspired to block the natural inclination to monkey around that was so beneficial to cave men. Mankind now ranks somewhere between the remarkably monogamous gibbon and the anything-goes chimpanzee, said David Buss, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin and author of the book, “The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating.”
“Why do some succumb (to temptation) and others exercise forbearance?” Buss said. “You get into personality characteristics. Those who give in are narcissistic and low on conscientiousness.”
In short, Lotharios are made, not born. Many factors conspire to create a womanizer: Personality. Opportunity. Power. Hormones. Fame. Money. Mobility. The way the brain is wired. A feeling of invulnerability. It’s no coincidence that so many public figures are in the public parade of promiscuity on the evening news, Laumann said.
“One of the oldest laws of behavior is that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely,” Csikszentmihalyi said. “When you’re in a position where everybody fawns or is falling over themselves to be noticed and to be on your good side, then, after a while you begin to figure, well, you know, I must be different.”
“We know,” Buss said, “that women are attracted to men with high status. And men with high status have more opportunities.”
Chicago’s amateur psychologists–bartenders who see men and women in wedding rings stray every day–see it, too: Often it’s the success stories who leave the bar with other women.
“They might wear a Nautica jacket and blue jeans to work, but they’re successful,” said Larry Roenigk of Iron Mike’s Bar and Grille.
Clinton meets several important criteria for a high level of sexual activity, Laumann lists these as: He enjoys robust good health, he has a lot of physical stamina and he is charming.
“Whatever the venue, he’s coming out on top,” Laumann said.
As for Hillary’s steadfastness, said Michele Weiner-Davis, a Woodstock marriage and family therapist and author of “Divorce Busting,” “While what he did is dreadful, who knows about the times in between when he is incredibly loving, or how much they share in their relationship.”
“You can’t have affairs and nurture and cherish your wife at the same time,” said Howard Markman, professor of psychology at the University of Denver and a researcher on marriage. If Clinton wants his marriage to work, “he has to stop and examine what’s keeping him from cherishing Hillary the way he should.”
University of Minnesota researcher David Olson, a professor of family social science who studies factors that predict successful marriages, said Clinton’s public confession might spur real change in his marriage.
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But others find little to celebrate in Clinton’s revelation.
“What you see here is a failure of maturity on his part, the sort of maturity that arises when you have the strength to be honest even when it is easier to lie,” said Catherine M. Wallace, author of “For Fidelity.” “He’s not growing up.”
Those men who stick to the straight and narrow path generally live highly structured lives and work at jobs that afford little freedom or mobility, Laumann said. Not Clinton. “He’s physically moving around a lot. He’s a person who blows in, constantly meeting new people in strange situations. So you’re looking at a situation where the opportunities are substantial.”
Big-time operators often don’t think before they act, Csikszentmihalyi said. “I don’t think people who get to that position are very thoughtful. They are doers.
“They jump in and take charge, but they are not necessarily the kind of people who understand themselves and can figure out whether they’re being foolish.”