Press releases I fully expect to find crossing my desk any day now:
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The Bulls have confirmed that the “secret” additional candidate for the vacant head coaching job is noted freshwater fisherman and live-bait dealer Ira “Hip” Waders.
The Bulls, however, denied a report in the Ely (Minn.) Dry Fly Journal and Walleye Wrap in which Mr. Waders was identified in a photograph as inserting a hook into Jerry Krause’s jowl.
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A Bulls spokesman explained that Mr. Waders was actually taking the hook out.
“Loyalty is a rare find these days,” he said, “but irreplaceable when it comes with a set of needle-nose pliers.”
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Major League Baseball announced that it was just kidding about Bud Selig becoming commissioner.
“We thought everyone understood the joke,” a statement said. “Would we hire a team owner who presided over the abandonment of the World Series, who was instrumental in destroying the independent office of commissioner in the first place, who extorts wealthy big-market teams into subsidizing his own inadequate small-market team, who tried to realign baseball out of a century of tradition, who changed leagues with his team in order to profit from the novelty?
“Could someone like that take over a job that puts the best interests of baseball first? We mean, get real.”
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Mike “Kibbles” Tyson has agreed to fight Marv “Bits” Albert in a simultaneous return to public life for both men. It will be Tyson’s first bout back from suspension for biting off part of Evander Holyfield’s ear and Albert’s reappearance after his celebrated sex trial.
Both men have undergone counseling for their special appetites, but are willing to delay final rehabilitation in order to profit “big-time” from the public’s curiosity for bizarre celebrities.
The non-title, closed-circuit bout is being billed as “A Taste of Their Own Medicine, or Keep Whatever Sticks in Your Teeth,” a Don King production.
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The manager of the Spice Girls has confirmed that Dennis Rodman will replace Ginger and become known as Cumin.
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The NCAA voted to make the official opening of the college football season follow within a month of the annual Notre Dame scandal.
Notre Dame has opened bids for the TV rights to all subsequent scandals, which have become more reliable than bowl games.
“The consistency is amazing,” agreed one television executive, “considering they never have used Barry Switzer.”
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In order to make clear the issues involved in the players’ lockout, the NBA distributed a packet of position papers with accompanying illustrations.
– Illustration 1: Michael Jordan sitting on a huge pile of money.
– Illustration 2: Kevin Garnett wearing a three-piece suit made of money.
– Illustration 3: Alonzo Mourning in the bathroom unrolling two-ply sheets of money.
– Illustration 4: David Stern, Jerry Reinsdorf and Pat Riley selling day-old baked goods out of the trunk of a stretch limo.
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“You have to draw the line somewhere,” said Stern, “and with us it’s at self-parking.”
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With modest Mark McGwire leaving Ken Griffey Jr. behind in the race to break Roger Maris’ single-season home run record, Griffey Jr. has volunteered to stand at home plate and watch the ball leave the park for both of them.