Time once again to play Who But Michael, the annual NBA game in which galloping dimwits try to choose basketball’s Most Valuable Player, anyone who is not Michael Jordan.
Step up, candidate No. 1. Your name?
“Karl, but my friends call me Mailman. You may call me Mr. Man.”
Yes, sir. You would appear to be the Who But Michael front-runner. And it says here you are the defending title-holder as well.
“You trying to say I shouldn’t have won MVP last season?”
Oh, no. But let’s review the rules of the competition. Any winner of this game is by definition the wrong man because any season in which Michael Jordan plays basketball Michael Jordan is the MVP.
“OK. Just don’t say I shouldn’t have won. Or I shouldn’t win this year either. I’m having a better year than last year.”
Please state your qualifications.
“I am the star of the best team in the Western Conference. I had to play 18 games without my main man, John Stockton. I might as well be Vinny De Milo without John.”
Who?
“Vinny De Milo. You know, the guy without any arms.”
Michael Jordan was without Scottie Pippen for 38 games. The Bulls won 26 games without Pippen. Your team won 11 without Stockton. Do the math.
“Hey, nobody said anything about arithmetic. But if you want numbers, I scored 56 points in a game, most by anybody this year. Not even Michael got 56.”
There is the bully issue to consider. Did you not injure two opposing players in successive games, breaking Donyell Marshall’s ribs and giving David Robinson a concussion?
“That is not easy to do. And I apologized. Michael threw a ball off Mark Jackson’s head and he didn’t apologize. I didn’t throw any balls. Just my elbows and knees.
“And I did not choke my coach. Matter of fact, I’m like Mike. I am trying to get my coach a better deal. Like Mike, I’m ready to leave if that doesn’t happen.”
Very commendable. Very unselfish. Your application will be considered. Next, Mr. . . . uh, what are you called?
“Shaquille. Shaq. Kazaam. The Big Fella.”
Your resume states you also scored 50 points this year. You are second in scoring, fifth in rebounds, seventh in blocked shots and you have the best shooting percentage in the league. Not from the free throw line, of course, heh, heh.
The Lakers should win 60 games for the first time this decade. Very impressive. Which thing do you think is the most important?
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“I have my own record label. Does Michael have his own record label?”
Well, no, he does not.
“I have made three movies. Michael?”
Just the one.
“I have my own statue. Does Michael have his own statue?”
As a matter of fact, he does.
“In the Glendale Galleria?”
Step aside. Let the next candidate present his case. And you are?
“The Glove.”
Ah, yes. Mr. Payton, From Seattle. Defensive player of the year and all of that. No doubt you will insist you have proved that you deserve to be MVP because you have kept the Sonics at the top level without Shawn Kemp.
“If the Glove fits . . .”
Move on. How about you, Mr. Hill from Detroit?
“I got my coach fired.”
A noteworthy achievement. It puts you in illustrious company–Magic Johnson, Penny Hardaway, the Denver Nuggets.
“Did someone call Shawn Kemp?”
No, the last name on the list is a Tim Duncan of San Antonio. Is Mr. Duncan here? Will someone look in the hall and see if Tim Duncan is around?
Ah, we’ve just learned Mr. Duncan has gotten his own game, a rookie of the year game called Who But Tim.
“Keith is the name, Keith Van Horn . . . “