Rarely has a presidential press secretary so craved a few questions on NATO expansion. Or the earned-income tax credit. Even the Indonesian bailout.
Mike McCurry, a man who probably doesn’t know and doesn’t want to know, dealt with the media horde last week as questions about his boss and a former young White House female intern surfaced.
For sure, the Princeton-bred spokesman for President Clinton is no stranger to disaster.
As a 25-year-old flack in 1980, he informed his boss, Sen. Harrison Williams (R-N.J.), that Williams was implicated in the Operation Abscam sting that led to Williams’ conviction and resignation. McCurry also has worked for the crash-and-burn presidential campaigns of Interior Secretary Bruce Babbitt and Sens. John Glenn (D-Ohio) and Bob Kerrey (D-Neb.).
Questions on sex dominated two White House briefings and a musty gathering called the Sperling Breakfast, where mostly white male print reporters chat solicitously with a “newsmaker” over a lethal mix of eggs, waffles, bacon, sausages and conventional wisdom.
Friday morning, the Sperling assemblage included Roland Evans and Robert Novak, Mark Shields and assorted bureau chiefs, among others. The opening question, from host Godfrey Sperling, was about Tuesday’s State of the Union address; the next 54 were about the sex stuff.
“Mike, how’s he going to maintain focus with all that’s going on?” was the first query, precipitating a 50-minute descent into redundancy. “Were you aware that there was some kind of relationship, some kind of pull between these two people?” wondered Evans, posing a query that seemed more fit for Dr. Laura Schlessinger.
Throughout, McCurry maintained a cool exterior, defending his boss, deflecting certain matters, finding refuge in both the discretion mandated by the legal system and his own unenlightenment. Few who ever work for Clinton know all that’s going on.
It got me thinking: What if McCurry was unburdened by circumspection and loyalty and really did know something?
For instance, here was one exchange with a reporter last week:
Q: “Mike, what is the practice with interns here? Do the interns get a chance to meet with the president, or what?”
McCurry: “Well, they have, you know, the picture taking, and some of them from time to time have the opportunity to interact. I think there’s efforts to try to make sure it’s an educational experience.”
You know those bubbles over cartoon characters, telling us what they’re really thinking? Imagine one over McCurry’s head, saying this:
“Well, they have, you know, the picture taking, and some of them from time to time have the opportunity to go up to the private quarters after 11 p.m. and interact with the president. Especially when they are fleshy, impressionable post-teens and the first lady is out of town.
“But let me also make this clear: The past is the past. From this point on, nobody is getting through the front door without a frisk for cheap perfume and a driver’s license. I have talked to the pope’s representatives, and we are putting two elderly Dominican nuns in the hallway leading to the Oval Office. They will be armed.
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“Also, we will install those baby monitor things behind every sofa in the place. Probably whoopie cushions, too, especially if they sell them in mattress size.”
Here are a few other questions from last week, McCurry’s actual responses and responses that, who knows, just might have been.
Q: Mike, has Mrs. Currie (Clinton’s secretary, Betty Currie) confirmed that Monica Lewinsky came in to visit her late at night? (There are reports that Lewinsky came at odd hours and was logged in as entering the White House to see Currie).
McCurry: I am not going to get into the substance of things that are properly now under the review of the independent counsel.
Might Have Been: Mrs. Who? Oh, yeah, Betty Currie from Waukegan! Gosh, yeah, the president did tell her to let the lass in because of the president’s special half-off, candlelight tours of the West Wing. Further, Betty desperately needed help in walking Buddy the dog. Unfortunately, Betty has just taken a diplomatic post in a Central African nation, though we can’t remember exactly which one since we’ve somehow lost the paperwork.
Q: How is the president going to give his answer, Mike? Is he going to go before the American people in some way?
McCurry: He will want to try to do what’s right at the appropriate time, and I don’t think that we can give you an idea of what that’s going to be yet until we assemble the information we’re looking for.
Might Have Been: Go before those Luddites who, incredibly, approve of his performance by huge margins? In your dreams, bonehead. Not without handcuffs and a leash.
Q: Mike, if the president says that he did not have an improper relationship with Monica Lewinsky, did not have a sexual relationship with Monica Lewinsky, could you explain what kind of relationship he had with her?
McCurry: Well, I mean, the president again is going to have to answer those questions at the appropriate time, and he has indicated that he will. And I’m not going to, you know, piecemeal walk through that.
Might Have Been: Grow up, guys. The president and Ms. Lewinsky had one of those relationships which, uh, could be best described as, “Hi, nice to meet you. Here, take my job, my wife, and what’s left of my reputation, then set me on fire.”
Q: Is there a White House policy that senior officials should not hit on interns or attempt to have personal relationships with them?
McCurry: I think it’s common sense and common decency, and of course. And it applies to everyone.
Might Have Been: Yes, we have a policy, I’m reminded by counsel, which says that senior officials over the age of 15 should not hit on interns. In fact, it is included in a reminder in their paychecks. There is some dispute however, given a ruling last year by the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, as to whether this applies after nightfall or on weekends. We’ll get back to you.
Q: There are reports that the president has given Monica Lewinsky a dress as a gift. Has the president given this woman any gifts?
McCurry: Again, these are all questions that no doubt the independent counsel is going to pursue, and at the proper time the president is going to want to provide answers.
Might Have Been: Yes, from Saks Fifth Avenue. A striking Donna Karan two-piece of chartreuse gauze sewn together in just the right places.
Q: Mike, explain why some White House staffers feel the president’s presidency is not in trouble or in jeopardy right now.
McCurry: Why it is not? Because, I think they have a lot, as I said earlier, they’ve got a lot of confidence in him and got a lot of confidence that the truth will prevail, obviously.
Might Have Been: Let’s not kid each other. The place looks like a Kinko’s. We’ve had to rent 50 fax machines. The lines have been jammed with outgoing resumes and book proposals.
Q: The country and people and we are confused as to what the president is actually denying when he says the allegations are false. Does he mean the allegations are false that he had an affair, or the allegations are false that he would try to encourage anyone to lie?
McCurry: Both.
Might Have Been: Ah, don’t buy that one? Let’s try this: As Jesse Jackson must have once said, the president not only denies the allegations but he defies the allegators.