When little girls are growing up they want to be doctors or supermodels or CEOs or astronauts or mommies or maybe Barbie dolls. They hardly ever want to be the other woman. And they never want to be the other woman twice, at the same time.
Cassie and Paul started dating. They’d been going out for eight months–you figure you know someone pretty well after that long a time–when Cassie learned that Paul was not actually divorced. They’d been living apart for six years, but they’d never signed the papers. He had always told her he was divorced.
“Imagine my shock. Whatever thoughts I may have had about a future with this person were ripped to shreds.”
It’s always interesting to see what people do under stress. Now, you or I might have approached Paul with a very large, oh, shall we say, scissors? Not Cassie.
“It took me a couple of months to even broach the subject with him as I didn’t want to hear the answers or have to deal with the fact that I was in love with someone that was still married to someone else and all that meant.” But finally, even Cassie couldn’t keep still. She said, “What gives?” Paul told her he was hanging on for strictly financial reasons. No divorce was possible until that changed. When would that happen? Uhhhh . . .
“This obviously meant he was uncomfortable about his wife and their kids knowing of my existence, so even though he spent plenty time with me I had limited access to his children.”
Cassie moved in with Paul. She was in love and looking at the big picture. Just one thing . . . After two years of Paul and Cassie living together and 30 years of no contact, Paul’s high school sweetheart, Rosemary, shows up. She lives with her husband 400 miles away. She’s tired of her husband; she wants Paul. Paul doesn’t want Rosemary to know about Cassie; he doesn’t want his wife to know about her either.
“I figured I could weather the storm,” says Cassie. “Paul had never really gotten over Rosemary; she had dumped him and she had been a fantasy for him all these years. And besides, we got along well and were really suited to one another. Well, I rode those swelling waves for almost two years.”
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Paul is now filing for divorce and so is Rosemary. Paul doesn’t want Cassie to say anything to his wife about the divorce because she might hold out for a better settlement. Paul actually would like quite a bit from Cassie. He wants them to remain “best of friends” since he doesn’t see Rosemary all that often, what with the 400 mile commute and the divorces to attend to.
Ever the good sport, Cassie gave it her best shot.
“I did try it for a couple of months, but I have passed that point, so I am out of there. Do I regret what I did? Should I have bolted as soon as I found about the girlfriend? Sometimes one takes risks. It could have turned out differently. So I will never know if I made the right decision or not. We had three years of wonderful memories, we shared the same interests and had some great vacations. How could I have given all that up? Each one of us has to decide what is our level of acceptance. Mine came when the pain of staying was worse than the pain of leaving. So I left.”
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Starting in 1998, Tales from the Front will answer your relationship questions every Thursday in Tempo. Send your questions to Cheryl Lavin, Tales from the Front, baiduhai, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Il. 60611. Please include day and evening phone numbers. Letters may be used in whole or in part for any purpose and become the property of the column.