Now that Bears owner Mike McCaskey has become a semiregular on flagship station WMAQ, home of the lobbed questions, maybe some smart programming director ought to offer him his own weekly call-in show. Just rig up the 7-second profanity delay and watch those ratings soar.
Three, two, one . . . you’re on the air.
Co-host: “Bob from Bolingbrook is on the line. You have a question for Mr. McCaskey?”
Caller No. 1: “Mr. McCaskey, my wife and I have a little wager. She says your idea of a halftime adjustment is switching from Chardonnay to Merlot. I say it’s ordering the waiter to turn down the thermostat in the owner’s suite. Which is it?”
McCaskey: “Is this the switch?”
Co-host: “Yes, it is.”
Dial tone.
Co-host: “Oops, a little technical difficulty there. Let’s go to Sam from South Holland. Sam, say hello to Mr. McCaskey.”
Caller No. 2: “Yeah, me and the fellas here at the firehouse were wondering why you keep defending Dave Wannstedt. I mean, if you’re going to clean house next season, why do it with the same useless broom?”
McCaskey: “What an intriguing analogy and a wonderfully astute observation. Why don’t you and your blue-collar friends visit my Halas Hall office tomorrow and we’ll discuss the matter in earnest.”
Caller No. 2: “That would be great. Where’s Halas Hall, again?”
McCaskey: “Schaumburg.”
Co-host: “Uh, Mr. McCaskey, I thought your headquarters was in–“
McCaskey: “Perhaps if you’d like to keep your job, we’ll move on to the next caller. I believe it’s Wallace from Waukegan.
Caller No. 3: “Michael? Michael McCaskey? Is that you, ol’ boy?”
McCaskey: “Yes, it is. And this is. . . .?”
Caller No. 3: “E. Wallace Langston III, ol’ boy. Yale, Class of ’65. Remember? Badminton at the club? You used to borrow my ascots?”
McCaskey: “Yes, of course. How are you?”
Caller No. 3: “Smashing. Made a killing in stocks. And you?”
McCaskey: “I own the Bears.”
Caller No. 3: “Oh, how terribly dreadful for you.”
McCaskey: “Is this the switch?”
More Top Picks Best Ultrawide Monitors For Productivity
Co-host: “Yes, it is.”
Dial tone.
Co-host: “OK, moving right along to . . . Lincoln Park. Go ahead.”
Caller No. 4: “Aren’t you embarrassed by the behavior of Bryan Cox?”
McCaskey: “Bryan Who?”
Co-host: “Let’s go to Ed in Evergreen Park.”
Caller No. 5: “I’d like to order a medium sausage-lovers pizza. . . .”
Dial tone.
Co-host: “To Oscar in Oak Park.”
Caller No. 6: “I’ve been a Bears season ticket-holder for 27 years. Can you give me one good reason why I should renew for a 28th year?”
McCaskey: “Of course I can. Because I’ve got my eye on a smoking ’62 Corvette in mint condition. Those don’t come cheap, you know.”
Co-host: “Excellent response, sir. Next up, Rick from Goshen, Ind.”
Caller No. 7: “Mr. McCaskey, this is Rick Mirer. Remember me?”
McCaskey: “Of course I do, Rick. You’re one of those brave firemen who called earlier.”
Co-host: “Let’s move west to Larry from Lombard. You’re on the air with Mr. M.”
Caller No. 8: “Yes, thank you. I was just wondering how Da Coach and his crummy New Orleans Saints have double the wins we do. Or why the two expansion franchises once again have better records than us. I’ll hang up and listen to your answer.”
McCaskey: “Well, as I’ve said many times to my chauffeur, we at the Bears will not waiver from our eight-year plan to turn this franchise around.”
Co-host: “You sound determined, sir.”
McCaskey: “Determined is an understatement. It is the reason for my very existence. That and the increase in network TV money.”
Co-host: “We have time for two more calls. Barry from Beverly, speak to us.”
Caller No. 9: “The Bears have three more games and–“
McCaskey: “We do?”
Caller No. 9: “Uh, yeah, you do. Anyway, I was wondering who the Bears would take if they get the No. 1 pick in the draft?”
McCaskey: “Certainly that is an issue for my football people to discuss, but I would think a Yale man would be in order. After all, everyone knows the Ivy League is the finest conference in the country. But I would be open to other options, such as trading the draft choice for that nice young man with the Saints, Heath Shuler.”
Caller No. 9: “You’re kidding, right? You’d be better off with Sid Luckman.”
McCaskey: “Is he available?”
Co-host: “Our final call. Go ahead.”
Caller No. 10: “I’m boycotting the final home game against Buffalo. What do you say about that?”
McCaskey to co-host: “This one, right?”
Dial tone.
More Top Picks Best Homework Desks For Kids