As a member in good standing of the “Pieces in Place Club,” I’ve devised a plan that allows Dave Wannstedt to maintain his dignity and Bears followers to maintain their sanity.
The cost-free plan is simple, painless and can be done in the privacy of your own home. Presenting the easy-to-read instructions:
Nov. 23–Root for the Green Bay Packers.
Nov. 27–Root for the Tennessee Oilers.
Dec. 8–Root for the Carolina Panthers.
Dec. 14–Root for the Cincinnati Bengals.
Dec. 21–Root for the New York Giants.
Do this and maybe, just maybe, the football gods take pity on the Bears. Do this and Wannstedt can ditch Chicago before somebody offers to dig a ditch for him, complete with lillies. Do this and perhaps our holiday wishes come true.
Confused? In the six degrees of separation that is the NFL, my plan involves Jimmy Johnson, Jerry Jones, Barry Switzer, Michael McCaskey, Ron Wolf and the beleaguered Wannstedt. Most of all, it involves the Dallas Cowboys.
According to reports out of Dallas, knucklehead Switzer might be packing more than heat at season’s end. Switzer is clinging to his Cowboys coaching job like Doublemint on a shoe heel, which is why Jones’ fast-twitch hiring muscles are already at work.
Switzer is dumber than an episode of “Suddenly Susan,” but even he might have a hard time preventing the 6-5 Cowboys from reaching the playoffs and saving his job. So to be on the safe side, Bears followers must do the unthinkable and become Cheeseheads for a day, that day being Sunday, when the Cowboys travel to Lambeau Field.
The more the Cowboys lose, the less chance of Switzer in 1998. If it means cheering for the Packers this week and the Oilers, Panthers, Bengals and Giants in coming weeks, well, a Bears fan has to do what a Bears fan has to do.
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OK, so Jones fires Switzer. Next, he’ll contact Bears owner Michael McCaskey, who, after a manicure, pedicure and afternoon nap, will ask a personal assistant, “Who is Jerry Jones again?”
Jones will want permission to discuss the Cowboys’ opening with Wannstedt. After being told who the Cowboys are, McCaskey will happily allow Wannstedt to meet with Jones.
After about five seconds of negotiations, Jones will offer Wannstedt the Dallas job. Wannstedt will call good friend and Miami Dolphins coach Jimmy Johnson for approval. That done, Wannstedt will accept the five-year deal. Switzer, reached at his Enid, Okla., Barry-Lube franchise, will have no comment.
With Wannstedt gone (and this is where you insert the obligatory clause about him being a wonderful, caring, decent man), the Bears can hire an actual football coach. Sorry, but Wannstedt’s 33-42 record doesn’t do much for me.
This is where Packers General Manager Ron Wolf comes in. The moment Wannstedt is gone, McCaskey should call Wolf and ask for permission to interview Packers offensive coordinator Sherman Lewis, who should have been an NFL head coach about seven hires ago.
Lewis makes more sense than red sauce on spaghetti. He knows the West Coast offense by heart. He knows how to work with quarterbacks. He knows the NFC Central. He knows the personnel. He knows that Steve Mariucci, another former Packers assistant, is doing great things as rookie coach of the San Francisco 49ers.
Hire Lewis and you hurt Green Bay, which is a nice start. You also get a guy who, when he was stiffed for job interviews a season ago, handled himself with the aplomb of a career diplomat.
Doubters tend to wonder if Lewis is forecful enough, if he isn’t too nice for his own good, if he can handle the pressures of being a head coach. Isn’t that the same nonsense they said about Tony Dungy every time he was passed over for a job? Now look at the Tampa Bay Buccaneers–tied for the division lead, tied for the second-best record in the NFC and the third-best record in the entire league.
Now then, if McCaskey asks about the availability of former Notre Dame coach Lou Holtz, someone immediately should hand him a glass of warm buttermilk and tell him it’s time for his afternoon nappy. Holtz and his Barney Rubble offense would be a disaster.
Lewis is the pick here. But if the Bears botch things and stupidly watch as Lewis goes elsewhere, then the “Pieces in Place Club” has several other suggestions.
First, beg Lewis to reconsider. If that doesn’t work, then pursue Denver Broncos assistant Gary Kubiak, Jacksonville Jaguars assistant Chris Palmer, Carolina’s Vic Fangio or Philadelphia’s Jon Gruden. And if McCaskey insists on a college coach, then make a run at Stanford’s Tyrone Willingham or Wisconsin’s Barry Alvarez.
So go ahead and mock my plan. Laugh. Giggle. Point.
But the Cowboys’ losses are the Bears’ gain. You just don’t realize it yet.