We’ll take a show of hands on this one. Who wants to see Peyton Manning as the next Bears quarterback? Just as I thought. Shhhhh. Not so loud.
This will take the cooperation of everyone: players, coaches, fans, the press included, and I am always willing to help.
The Bears are certainly doing their part, if–and this is not meant as a criticism–just a little too obviously.
It still may not take losing every game to pull this off, but until Atlanta and Indianapolis each win one, the Bears have no choice.
The Bears need to keep playing that Rockettes offense, 1-2-3 kick, and avoid tackling anyone on defense, covering anyone downfield and getting to the quarterback a half-step sooner.
Losing on purpose does require a degree of subtlety, and there is still a long way to go. I mean, no one around here wants to be thought of as the Tennessee Oilers, for cripes sake.
To start with, I might suggest not giving away field position as if it came in a cologne tester. Make the other team start inside its own red zone every so often.
An 85-yard drive not only looks like the other team had to earn its points, but it also keeps down the chance of any accidental excellence on the part of the Bears’ offense.
What if, without thinking, Rick Mirer throws the ball downfield instead of his usual short lateral, maybe just trying to get rid of it, and he throws it so poorly and Bobby Engram is so ignored by a nonchalant secondary that the two of them just happen to come together? The next thing you know, an actual touchdown.
It is always better to lose from behind rather than depending on the other team being able to catch up. Take the Cowboys. I offer the Arizona game as evidence of letting Dallas get ahead and stay there.
And those successive penalties are just too conspicuous. Three flags in a row are not only flashy, but against most litter laws as well.
No one wants to see one of those adopt-a-sideline signs: These 45 yards by Alonzo Spellman. Only take a penalty when it can really help the other team.
Here’s an example. A chip-shot field goal. It is going wide left. Whack the holder. Then stomp around in disgust. Treat the call as if someone just dry-shaved your Rottweiler. Watch Bryan Cox for tips.
The Bears have a couple of home games before the bye week, one against the Saints– winnable–and one against Green Bay, which is turning out to be perfectly beatable.
The coaches will have to vary the game plan, from hand off left to hand off right, from 2-yard pass to 5-yard loss. Don’t trust Ditka to want to win.
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On the post-bye week schedule the Jets and the Rams are games that might be a little bit dicey, so I would suggest changing quarterbacks again before each one, settling finally on Steve Stenstrom. I have a feeling that Erik Kramer cannot be relied on to lose.
Parity is a terrible thing to waste, but it can be done. Here is where the fans come in. Continue to boo. Entering, leaving, playing, the Bears should feel the wrath of fan disgust.
Try not to wink or giggle. That would just blow the conspiracy.
This also means showing up at Soldier Field, and when you are steaming in pregame and postgame traffic, be assured that the sacrifice will pay off in the end.
We in the press will do our part. We’ll keep making historical references to Bears futility, back to that 1-13 season. We will point out how no Bear team has ever lost every game. We will use the word “shameful” again and again.
We will be full of indignity and properly hysterical. We will call for Dave Wannstedt’s firing and Michael McCaskey’s removal and compare every Bear player to the lowest fungus. It is the least we can do.
And no looking ahead. It would be easy to look past Dallas to New Orleans, but a fumble recovery here and a blocked kick there and the next thing you know, you get yourself in one of those Colts situations with a lead so big it is almost impossible to give back.
You have to lose them one at a time.
Thank me on draft day. And give Manning Jim McMahon’s old jersey.