Everything you really don’t want to know about the Bears and are absolutely afraid to ask until you remove that brown bag from your head at season’s end:
Question–What emergency measures, if any, might the team take in order to break their little slump?
Answer–We hear that the Bears will petition the NFL to waive their bye week Oct. 19 so they can play a non-conference game against an opponent to be named later. The unusual move is designed to avert an 0-14 start, a feat already achieved by the Cubs.
Q–What foes are being considered?
A–Michael McCaskey, the Bears’ president, has suggested three universities he cut his management teeth at–Harvard, Yale and Case Western Reserve University.
Q–How does Dave Wannstedt feel about that?
A–He’d rather face a team closer to home, like Barat College or DeVry Institute, but is leery of Lake Forest College because the Foresters scored 46 points Saturday.
Q–But if any of the above meet the Bears, wouldn’t they lose their amateur standing?
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A–Duh Bears or DeVry?
Q–McCaskey has likened himself to other high-profile entrepreneurs such as Jerry Jones, whose Dallas Cowboys can’t wait to welcome the Bears on Sunday. Jones has indicated he might like to coach. What about McCaskey?
A–He has no plans to take over the Bears, nor will he emulate Ted Turner and donate $1 billion to the United Nations. McCaskey, however, has volunteered to celebrate any victory by popping for a bottle of champagne and 45 straws.
Q–What is the status of Todd Sauerbrun?
A–He’s listed as day-to-day after having his right leg immobilized in a cast following 10 punts against New England. Sauerbrun, though, would be available for the two-point underhanded conversion toss from the kick formation, should the Bears ever score another touchdown.
Q–After looking at the films, did Wannstedt see anything he liked from that 31-3 surrender to the Patriots?
A–Definitely. At Monday’s weekly interment, Wannstedt expressed encouragement at the Bears’ progress. Said he, “We had eight third dahns of 5 yards or less.”
Q–What is a dahn?
A–If you’re from Pittsburgh like Wannstedt, it is a “down.” As in, the Bears are going dahn the toilet.
Q–Why can’t the Bears move the ball?
A–What game were you watching? On one sequence, the Patriots were third and 10 at their 46. The Bears were penalized for encroachment, which made it third and 5. The Bears were penalized for encroachment again, and it was first and 10. The Bears then were called for pass interference to their 15. They moved the ball 39 yards and without even touching it. Not every team can do that.
Q–If the Bears keep losing, will Wannstedt be fired?
A–McCaskey would rather eat nails than that contract.
Q–Is it a good sign that the Bears held an emotional, players-only, closed-door meeting after Sunday’s disaster?
A–It was until half of them jumped offside and got locked out.
Q–With the season shot, what should the Bears do about their quarterback situation?
A–Keep Rick Mirer as the starter, Erik Kramer ready and Steve Stenstrom as the third option. Should they all fail, let Terry Bevington signal to the bullpen.
Q–If the Bears finish with the worst record in the NFL, who will be in the most danger?
A–Peyton Manning.