Seriously, is there anything that says autumn better than the sight of Hank Williams Jr., all dolled up like he buys his clothes at an Amarillo truck stop, appearing on the TV screen and asking in that big, white-trash voice of his, “Areyareadyfersomefootbull?”
Ready? I’ve been waiting for this Monday night puppy since Frank Gifford was caught doing a smooch-a-thon with someone other than Kathie Lee. I’ve broken down the film, graded the players, even read Dr. Z’s fascinating account of the crab block. And after careful and detailed analysis, I’ve concluded there is absolutely no way the Bears can beat the Green Bay Packers.
The way I see it, the Bears will be down by 21 before the halftime highlights. That means we’ll have to spend the entire second half looking at new snapshots of little Cody, or listening to Dan Dierdorf drone on about his days at Michigan.
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Unless. . .
Unless John Thierry does a drop dead Reggie White imitation.
Unless Rashaan Salaam remembers you only gain yards while actually carrying the ball.
Unless Packers placekickers Brett Conway and Ryan Longwell remember they’re rookies.
Unless Erik Kramer can be a pain in the neck.
Unless the Bears’ offense can do better than its dreadful 306.6-yard average, which ranked 21st in the NFL last season.
Unless the game is magically switched to Soldier Field.
Unless Packers mouthpiece Bill Schroeder keeps popping off.
Unless Curtis Conway has a clone.
Unless Dave Wannstedt can become George Halas reincarnate.
Unless new coordinator Matt Cavanaugh’s West Coast offense is better than Mike Holmgren’s West Coast offense.
Unless no Packer does the “Lambeau Leap.”
Unless Packers wide receiver Robert Brooks feels a twinge in his surgically reconstructed knee.
Unless the Bears don’t notice they could begin the season 0-5, thanks to a schedule that begins with the Packers, Minnesota Vikings, Detroit Lions, New England Patriots and Dallas Cowboys.
Unless Alonzo Spellman plays like he’s getting paid by the sack.
Unless the Packers read muscle magazines featuring Barry Minter.
Unless the Packers are looking ahead to next Sunday’s game against the Philadelphia Eagles.
Unless Jerry Reinsdorf trades former Auburn tight end Frank Thomas to the Bears.
Unless Raymont Harris can carry the ball and Salaam again.
Unless Schroeder is no Desmond Howard.
Unless Packers nose tackle Gilbert Brown thinks it’s a bye week.
Unless Bears free-agent signee Tom Carter can do better than Donnell Woolford.
Unless Bryan Cox can stay injury- and obscenity-free.
Unless the Bears don’t read Internet polls (Of the 1,266 polled, 89.0 percent said the Packers had the edge on offense, 85.5 percent said the Packers had the edge on defense, and 85.5 percent said the Packers had the edge on coaching.)
Unless cornerback Walt Harris can tag along with Packers receivers Brooks, Antonio Freeman and Derrick Mayes.
Unless Packers running back Dorsey Levens’ 1996 season (10 touchdowns, 4.7 yards per carry) was a fluke.
Unless Keith Jennings is in the Bears’ lineup, not on the sideline.
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Unless Commissioner Paul Tagliabue makes the Packers play with just 10 players per side.
Unless the Bears can ignore one statistic: The Packers have won six consecutive games against Wannstedt’s team.
Unless Mike Singletary does more than give a pep talk. How about suit up?
Unless Jeff Jaeger is kicking a lot of extra points.
Unless Todd Sauerbrun isn’t kicking much of anything.
Unless Holmgren thinks it’s a preseason game and pulls his starters midway through the second period.
Unless Bobby Engram is that Conway clone.
Unless Brett Favre goes fishing with his brother.
Unless there is no Bears quarterback controversy.
Unless it’s a low, low scoring game, something in the 13-10 variety.
Unless a guilt-ridden Jim McMahon secretly slips Wannstedt a copy of an old Packers playbook.
Unless the Bears are absolutely, positively readyfersomefootbull.