The mixed blessing of yet another NFL season is that Mike Ditka is back and Jim McMahon is gone, like swapping a migraine for stomach flu, but also proof that football not only recycles but has a peculiar sense of humor.
If it is not old coaches, it is new uniforms. If it is not Big Tuna smug, it is nearly Shula-free, if not Monday Night rowdy, then bye-week empty, if not Emmitt weary, then Barry ready, Sanders or Switzer. If not Cheeseheads, then it is Bratbutts, and who can tell the difference?
If it is not the Arizona Cardinals, then it is the Tennessee Oilers, insults to both birds and fossil fuels.
In Year 5 of the Wannstedt Sleepover, the Bears are worse than in Year 1, not that anyone is laughing. Not in front of Wannstedt’s back, in any case.
How will it all turn out? You really didn’t have to ask.
NFC Central: Green Bay, Detroit, Tampa Bay, Chicago, Minnesota.
As the first defending Super Bowl champ in the division since the ’85 Bears, the Packers look not so much a dynasty as the biggest lump in the pile. As long as Brett Favre keeps his health, the Pack will stay back.
The Lions have a new coach, worth at least three victories; Tampa Bay does not have a new coach for a change, worth at least two. The Bears are bath mats, fungus included. The Vikings are the underside of the mat.
NFC East: Philadelphia, Dallas, Washington, Arizona, New York.
Two Detmers are better than one, and Ricky Watters runs deep, giving the Eagles an offense to coordinate for Sean Payton, late of the Tepper era at Illinois and the Spare Bears of the aforementioned Ditka. A redundant wild card, the Eagles are ready to step over the sad cadaver that was once the Cowboys, a team with a bail bondsman on call.
The Redskins are as inconsistent as oatmeal. Instead of changing the team uniforms of the Cardinals, Vince Tobin got the coaches new clothes, typical of his priorities. The Giants are so low they need a ladder to get under a dachshund.
NFC West: San Francisco, St. Louis, Carolina, Atlanta, New Orleans.
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So confident are the 49ers, they gave a gold watch to coach George Seifert, and Steve Young and Jerry Rice to Steve Mariucci, whose football pedigree is as long as his pacifier. The Rams hired Dick Vermeil when they might have had Dan Devine.
Nothing could be finer than a repeat of Carolina in the playoffs, except it won’t happen. Dan Reeves won’t find a quarterback he likes in Atlanta, either. Ditka in the same division with his old gin rummy partner Reeves cuts the genius quotient by two-thirds.
AFC Central: Cincinnati, Pittsburgh, Jacksonville, Tennessee, Baltimore.
As it turns out, all the Bengals needed was an actual football coach instead of an offspring. Jeff Blake could be this year’s Mark Brunell, or the other way around. The Steelers will try a brave experiment at quarterback, keeping the ball out of Mike Tomczak’s hands.
The Jaguars are no longer Cinderella but an opponent. From Houston to Nashville, the Oilers hauled their baggage with them. Quoth the Ravens, “Testaverde Ever More.”
AFC East: New England, Miami, Indianapolis, Buffalo, New York Jets.
The Patriots managed to get back to the Super Bowl before the Bears did, and they had to only go through three coaches, two owners and find an actual quarterback to do it, a formula the Bears might consider.
Jimmy Johnson is farther from the Super Bowl in Miami than he was on Fox TV. Bless Jim Harbaugh, hope of the Colts and nostalgia of the Bears. The Bills without Jim Kelly are the Jets.
AFC West: Denver, Oakland, Seattle, Kansas City, San Diego.
Redemption is as familiar to Denver as divorce is to the royal family. The Broncos did not get a chance to lose the Super Bowl last year, but this time will give John Elway one more chance to shame himself.
The Raiders fit Jeff George like a pair of handcuffs. The Seahawks filled their off-season wish list, the top wish being Rick Mirer would become someone else’s puzzle.
This year’s 49er quarterback for the Chiefs is Elvis Grbac. The Chargers will be coached by Kevin Gilbride, the anti-Buddy Ryan, which just goes to show that what goes around is where we came in.
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