I have seen the future . . . and it doesn’t include Scottie Pippen. Other 1997 predictions worth clipping, saving and ridiculing:
Da Bears will win more games than Da Coach’s Who Dats, including the Oct. 5 reunion at Soldier Field. Figure the Bears for 5-11, the Saints for 4-12.
Not only will Wisconsin beer barrel Ron Dayne not win the Heisman Trophy, but he won’t even be the Badgers’ most valuable player. If quarterback Mike Samuel does a belly-flop, then Dayne can expect lots of nine-man fronts and 28-carry, 57-yard rushing games.
Michael Jordan will make so much money from his next Bulls contract that a leading cologne company will introduce a new line known simply as “Falk–For the Agent in All of Us.”
White Sox manager Terry Bevington and coach Doug Rader will not be on the same staff next season.
Inspired by early-season home victories against Akron and Central Florida, Nebraska will win the national championship. The title will cause a surge in Cornhuskers merchandise sales, including the always popular “Honk If You Love Lard” bumper stickers.
Northwestern will begin the season 5-0, but finish it 6-6.
The AFC’s player of the year will be Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Jeff Blake. The NFC’s player of the year will be Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre. In his acceptance speech, Favre will thank “all the little people–and you know who I’m talking about, Bears defensive backs–for making this award possible.”
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Bulls Chairman Jerry Reinsdorf will trade Pippen to the San Francisco Giants.
Notre Dame will lose three games this year: one at Stanford, one at LSU and one at CBS, where former Irish coach Lou Holtz now sits in a studio analyst’s chair.
With wide receiver Curtis Conway hurt, the Bears will go a fourth consecutive year without having a player named to the league’s all-pro team.
Brooke Shields will have a better chance of winning the U.S. Open than hubby Andre Agassi. Instead, it will be Pete Sampras (yawn) in the men’s singles, and Monica Seles (grunt) in the women’s singles.
As part of his legal settlement with teammate Stephen Davis, Washington Redskins wide receiver Michael Westbrook will have to fight someone his own size: Evander Holyfield.
Because of a new contract loaded with incentives, Dennis Rodman will play in every Bulls game.
No matter how many times the Bears lose this season or next, President Michael McCaskey won’t fire coach Dave Wannstedt. That’s because McCaskey isn’t in a hurry to eat the remaining years of an expensive Wannstedt deal that runs through 2000.
Recently acquired Cubs center-fielder Lance Johnson will be used as trade bait with one of the expansion teams. It will go like this: During the expansion draft, the Cubs will offer Johnson to the Arizona Diamondbacks or Tampa Bay Devil Rays in exchange for one of the expansion teams’ picks.
In an effort to be helpful, Mike Ditka will also name the remainder of the Bears’ starting lineup, as well as choose the table settings at team meals.
Stanford’s Tyrone Willingham will be the next head coach to move from the colleges to the NFL.
The Spartans, not the Wolverines, will be the best college team in Michigan in 1997.
The Packers and Denver Broncos will meet in the Super Bowl. Injured biceps muscle or not, John Elway will finally raise a Lombardi Trophy.
DePaul will beat Pella Windows in its Nov. 6 exhibition game opener at Alumni Hall, but struggle against Marathon Basketball four days later.
The best pure Notre Dame football player will be offensive guard Mike Rosenthal.
The date to circle on your calendar will be Dec. 6, when DePaul travels to Northwestern and finds Joey Meyer doing the color commentary for the Wildcats.
Reinsdorf will try to trade members of the Little League World Series finalists to the San Francisco Giants.
Arizona State will make voters pay for not including the Sun Devils in the preseason top 25.
The U.S. Ryder Cup team will kick some serious European balata next month in Spain.
Thanks to his time on the U.S. men’s 22-and-under team, forward Pat Garrity will return to Notre Dame with a low-post game.
The Cubs’ season highlight, if you can call it that, will be when they dumped Mel Rojas on the New York Mets. Not much to choose from with this team.
The Florida Marlins will win the National League pennant, the Baltimore Orioles will win the American League pennant. The Orioles will win the World Series in six games.
The first five picks in everyone’s NFL fantasy league drafts will be Favre, Detroit’s Barry Sanders, Dallas’ Emmitt Smith, San Francisco’s Steve Young and Washington’s Terry Allen.
As usual, I’ll get stuck picking sixth.
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