`Yes, yes, you may enter my cab. Please partake of the complimentary curry chips and pay no attention to my sister (woman in hooded shawl nods) or to Uncle Shankar (old man grunts while reading New Delhi newspaper). They will say nothing.
“Oh, you are much tall. Taller than date tree. You are basketball player, yes? And you wish to go where, my hairless friend?
“Ah, yes, the Center of United. I have driven there many times. A thousand pardons, but you like pine fresh scent bar on dash, yes?
“I am pleased so. Again, a thousand pardons, but you have a familiar look. What is your name?
“Garnett! Kevin Garnett! I am honored so that you have chosen my cab. My Uncle Shankar (old man grunts) and I were speaking your name this very morning. You are famous man.
“What a fool I was not to recognize you. I should be trampled by a thousand diseased yaks for such stupidity. At the very least, please accept as a humble gift my cellular phone and this small television set that I often watch while driving at high speeds on Expressway of Kennedy.
“I am big Bulls fan. I cannot afford to see games with own eyes, but I often watch highlights on ESPN. `Da-da-da, da-da-da.’ Announcers with pretty hair say you might one day be Bull. Please say it will be so.
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“You are from land of many lakes. I have relatives in your city. They say it is colder than Himalayas in February, that in summer, huge birds called `mosquitoes’ swoop from skies. They say these birds are size of curry jars.
“You do not want live in such a place. You should come to great city, yes?
“My Uncle Shankar (old man grunts) says that land of lakes has offered you much money, more than the very best cricket players earn in my land. I ask only because I am curious of your monetary system.
“Forgive me, did you say $103.5 million for a time span of 6 years? Ahkmeed could buy many beaded back rests for $103.5 million. Still, happiness worth more than money.
“Chicago is perfect place for you. Michael Jordan will be back, Krishna willing. Phil Jackson, who is Hindu in spirit, will be gone by 1998 season, but maybe this man, George Karl, will take his place. Uncle Shankar (old man grunts) says Karl also looking for new home.
“The Bulls need someone of your generous youth. They will pay you handsomely, much more than land of lakes. They will do this because Scottie Pippen will be traded by the time of your arrival, and because the Bulls owner, this Jerry Reinsdorf, must do something to improve his karma.
“You were upset by the White Sox trade also? Many of us were. But Mr. Reinsdorf will use you as a peace offering. He must.
“M.J. No. 1, but he is growing old. Two years and he will be reincarnated. That means, my bald friend, that you will inherit his kingdom.
“He has his House of Nike. That could be yours. He has his many NBA rings. That might be yours. He will teach you his ways. I have seen it happen on my little television set. He taught Scottie. He can teach you.
“It will be you, M.J., Luc Longley (old man grunts), Toni Kukoc and Randy Brown. Already you are better off than land of lakes. Uncle Shankar even says Bulls might hire small free agent man named Damon Stoudamire to dribble ball and pass.
“Now I will give you tour and if you please, I will give you humble advice of honored cab driver. Ah, yes, we take Irving Park exit, go to street of Clark and there it is, a place where people in my country often flock to hear Mr. Harry Caray. Mr. Caray very reverential when comes to our sacred symbols. Always saying, `Holy Cow.’
“And speaking of holy cows, there is huge billboard for Oprah Winfrey show. A wise woman. Constantly making money going from fat to thin, thin to fat.
“You, too, are quite thin. Too much of Ghandi diet, heh, heh, heh. No, that was American sense of humor. Please forgive.
“See that building in the distance? That is Hancock building. With your new contract you could buy that, yes? What you cannot buy is NBA ring in land of lakes. Only here is that possible.
“I am no expert of such things, but to play with M.J. would be better than playing with Cherokee of Parks, yes? You are known here. M.J. will pass torch to you, maybe ask you set fire to Jerry Krause rear end. More American humor.
“You should know that I am no stranger to the way of basketball. In that very seat was once Dennis Rodman. I pick him up, just like you, at International of O’Hare. Very nice, but navel rings upset Vector 929 radar detector. Officer in checkered hat flash many lights that night. Hand me ticket. Asks Dennis for signature.
“We are almost at Center of United. It has been a great honor to drive such a man of your tallness. You were Mr. Basketball of Illinois, yes? Uncle Shankar says you could be again.
“No, please, no charge. You may pay me on return trip. In 1998.”