Rafael Guzman has no memory of what happened when a speeding commuter train slammed into his school bus in Fox River Grove last year.
Yet there are constant reminders: They are in the limp he still has, the thoughts he struggles to express, the inexplicable outbursts of tears or temper.
And it is there every Saturday when he goes to visit the grave of his sister, Susana, one of seven students killed in the crash.
“If I wasn’t all messed up like I am, I wouldn’t know it happened,” said Guzman, 15, a sophomore at Cary-Grove High School. “That day is just out of my memory.”
But images of the crash remain indelible in the memories of two dozen other survivors, and many more who came upon the carnage on that chilly morning of Oct. 25, 1995.
The school bus was stopped at a light in downtown Fox River Grove, its rear hanging over the railroad tracks by a few feet. Warning lights flashed and bells sounded.
One of the crossing gates hit the side of the bus. Kids in the back started screaming, but the driver, a substitute unaccustomed to the route, said she did not hear the warnings.
The Chicago-bound express train barreled into the bus at almost 60 m.p.h. The impact of the train twisted the cabin from the frame, spinning it 180 degrees and tossing students over seats and into the aisles.
Within moments, rescuers converged on the scene. A nurse buying coffee in a nearby White Hen Pantry rushed outside to help and found a boy choking. She tried to clear his airway with a turkey baster, but he died in her arms.
A year later, as federal officials prepare to issue a final report on the causes of the accident, many in this town of 4,200 are still struggling to deal with a tumble of emotions about the crash and its aftermath.
For most, the psychological wounds have been slow to heal.
Zach Davis, a 16-year-old sophomore who was helping the driver negotiate the bus route that morning, said he has been having nightmares. In them, he is lying in a coffin. He said he feels guilty he was not in his usual spot at the back of the bus, next to his friend Joe Kalte, who died.
“I’m glad I’m alive,” Davis said, “but I don’t know if I should be.”
Katie Krebeck, who was sitting near Davis on the bus, feels it when she hears the whistle of a train, bringing back the depression, mood swings and loss of appetite she suffered in those first months after the accident.
Not long ago, Krebeck, 15, asked her mother whether they could go to the lot where the wreckage of the bus remains.
“It’s just been so rough lately with all this stuff being brought up again,” said Krebeck’s mother, Cindy Drysch. “When she hears a train whistle, she’s jumpy again . . . The nightmares are starting all over again. It’s all coming back, like it was yesterday.”
To some degree, the crash has touched the lives of all 1,400 students at the high school and many others in town. The accident looms so large that all sorts of objects, sights and sounds–even the chill of a fall morning–trigger painful memories, especially as the first anniversary approaches.
The memories of that day will continue to trail the students.
Cary-Grove High officials said they have attached a letter to transcripts, telling college admissions officers what happened to these children at U.S. Highway 14 and Algonquin Road that cold morning.
“It just says, `This is what happened at this high school during this year,’ ” said Pat Deppert, High School District 155’s special education and special services director, who coordinated the crisis work. “I think people at colleges need to know that.”
Not that every student is weighed down by the crash. Some are performing remarkably well. Some have tackled the problems that arose from the crash, and have regained the footing that briefly was lost.
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And not just students were affected. Because Fox River Grove is so small, nearly all of the residents knew someone on that bus, or at least knew the families.
“We are all very close,” said resident Dianna Englehart as she waited to board a Metra train recently with her two children. “I know some of the parents of the victims, and I think they want to get closure.”
Whether they are standing at the train station, passing slowly in a car or walking past the small storefronts across U.S. 14, residents frequently pause to look solemnly at the crossing.
They are reminded of the accident by the collection of single red roses, flowered wreaths and coins placed under a small tree by family and friends of the victims, and by a granite memorial erected by the village last week.
“I think children bring out this effect more than if adults were involved,” said resident Dale Bennett.
There has been anger, as well. Some people are upset that the new traffic light gives vehicles more time to clear the crossing on Algonquin Road, which sometimes slows traffic to a crawl on U.S. 14.
“I understand what happened was terrible, but would you wait 5 to 10 minutes in line?” asked Doug Sailor, manager of the White Hen across the street.
Anger among students has flared, too. Some were ostracized for comments they made about the victims. Fist fights broke out, and friendships were shattered over whether a student was close enough to one of the victims to be talking about him or her. It’s a problem that lingers at the school.
The media have angered some people to the point that the high school recently dedicated a memorial to the bus crash victims at an invitation-only ceremony, no reporters invited.
Now, many are bracing for the attention that comes with the anniversary and also the release of a National Transportation Safety Board report on the causes of the crash.
That report, which will formally be released at month’s end, sharply criticizes the Illinois Department of Transportation and the Union Pacific Railroad for failing to communicate about malfunctions with the stoplight and crossing signal system.
The report also cites the school district for failing to train its drivers about the routes, and the village for insisting that a mid-1980s U.S. 14 widening project use land along the railroad tracks, a move that cut the space between the railroad tracks and the intersection, helping set the stage for tragedy.
“It is still an open wound,” said JoAnne Malik as she grabbed a cup of coffee at the White Hen. “I think the report is getting too complicated and confusing. They are trying to blame everybody.”
Many do not seem to care who is held responsible for the crash. The NTSB report, to them, is of no real concern, although some of the parents and village officials think its release will help the healing.
“It doesn’t change anything,” mumbled Cary-Grove High School student Ray Cooper recently while he awaited his bus to school. “Who cares whose fault it is?”
The students would rather grieve for their friends privately, and try to get back to their school work. Nearly all the students who survived the crash sought counselors to deal with their feelings. Most got help from tutors the school provided.
As for Guzman, he missed three months of school as he recovered from broken ribs, a broken collarbone, a collapsed lung and head injuries. Only now is he experiencing some of the emotional upheaval his schoolmates went through months ago.
Classwork is more difficult, as well. His grades are still good, he said, but the work takes longer, as if the thoughts he tries to summon come in slow motion.
An inveterate doodler, he likes to draw hearts or banners and write his sister’s name in the middle. But it takes longer now, and sometimes he uses several pieces of paper trying to get it right. That, he said, is frustrating.
“I’m just not in my right mind sometimes. I lose my temper real fast on little things,” he said. “I didn’t used to be like that before the accident.”