Plausibly live from the National Football League, another adventure dawns. Cleveland is out, Baltimore is in. Don Shula is gone, Jimmy Johnson is taking names.
Bill Walsh is back in, Buddy Ryan is back out. Michael Irvin is half in, half out, Steve Young is still underrated and they’re talking title up in Green Bay again.
Dave (Contract Extension) Wannstedt is counting on Bryan (Highest-Paid Bear Ever) Cox, Alonzo (Offer Sheet) Spellman and Erik (60.3%) Kramer to make Wannstedt’s assessment that this is his best Bears team ever sound like a compliment.
The more things change, the more it becomes necessary to figure how this is all going to turn out.
NFC Central: Green Bay, Detroit, Tampa Bay, Chicago, Minnesota.
Brett Favre’s bad habits are back in rehab, including forcing the ball into triple coverage, and now he wants to get paid like Aikman and Elway. He is worth it. The addition of Santana Dotson gives the Pack the best front four in football.
If the Lions would just threaten to fire Wayne Fontes before every game, Detroit would go undefeated. The Age of Dungy in Houlihan Stadium has to inspire the Buccaneers. Carlos Huerta? Get serious, Bears. Warren Moon is older than fungus.
NFC East: Philadelphia, Dallas, New York Giants, Washington, Arizona.
Free of Randall Cunningham, the Eagles grind ’em up and grind ’em out on offense, rack ’em and sack ’em on defense. No longer just what the Cowboys ordered.
Dallas is just going to let Deion Sanders cover Deion Sanders and be done with it. The quarterback controversy for the Giants is to find one. Hail to the Redskins, hail mediocrity. Life is good in the desert, unless you are a Cardinal.
NFC West: San Francisco, Atlanta, New Orleans, St. Louis, Carolina.
A healthy Steve Young and a legendary Jerry Rice are always enough to give the 49ers a chance to win, but a Pro Bowl secondary and the best defense in the league put things right in the city by the best bay.
The Falcons remain invisible until after the World Series, the better to hide Jeff George. The Saints beat the Rams to the first coach firing, Jim Mora instead of whoever. The Panthers act like an expansion team.
AFC Central: Baltimore, Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, Houston, Jacksonville.
Before being told that it was OK to quit playing football in Cleveland, the Browns-now-Ravens were better than the Steelers. And now welcome in Baltimore, they will find that love, and Ted Marchibroda, are all you need.
More Top Picks Clock
Super Bowl finalist Pittsburgh lost Neil O’Donnell, Kevin Greene and Bam Morris, but the rest of the news is not so good. The Bengals finally get to misuse Ki-Jana Carter. The Oilers are this year’s Browns, out-of-towners at home, though quarterback Steve McNair is all the way to Page 2 of the playbook. Andre Rison gets a chance to mess up Jacksonville, too.
AFC East: Buffalo, Indianapolis, Miami, New England, New York Jets.
One more grand gesture from the Bills of Levy and Kelly and Thomas and Smith, still able after all these years to be the best of a sorry lot in the shabbiest conference in football.
The Colts get one fairy-tale season a generation and they’ve used it. Jimmy Johnson has to tear up the old Dolphins before he can build new ones. The Patriots are rushing in reverse. The Jets are simply amusing.
AFC West: Kansas City, Denver, San Diego, Seattle, Oakland.
The Chiefs are the playoff team of the ’90s, as constant as they are conservative, now with an authentic kicker and still the stingiest and most opportunistic defense around.
Denver still has John Elway for the big play on offense; what it could use is a few big plays defense. The Chargers are clueless in San Diego, the Seahawks are rootless in Seattle and the Raiders are wondering what city they are in this year.
And after the winners and the wild cards, the Super Bowl will have Kansas City losing to San Francisco.
Clip and save.