As you may have noticed, Bob Dole II, a really cool and likable grownup guy, has been nominated as the Republican Party’s candidate for president.
This is not the same Bob Dole I, who has become a familiar political figure in recent months and years–a sharp-tongued and irritable elderly man with little tolerance for fools and media yappers.
No, this cranky Bob Dole I no longer exists, and Republicans are happy. Good riddance, they say.
That’s understandable. Bob Dole II is a lot easier for the consumer-viewer, also known as the voter, to tolerate.
For one thing, this Bob II is a lot younger. I don’t know exactly how much younger–100 years?–but take my word for it. Old Bob was kind of a Glenn Miller-Andrews Sisters kind of guy. But New Bob? At any moment, he might start singing a rock song. It might be early Bill Haley or Earl Bostick, but it’s a start.
New Bob isn’t nearly as rigid a person as old Bob. Old Bob was kind of stuck in his ways. He believed that you don’t spend more money than you take in, a quaint notion.
But this younger and more refreshing New Bob doesn’t have such hangups. You have a piece of plastic in your wallet? Hey, you got it, flaunt it.
The New Bob is tolerant of just about anyone, even those who described the Old Bob as kind of a political frump.
Old Bob might have once jabbed his thumb in the eye of nimble Jack Kemp, who wouldn’t even endorse Old Bob when the only alternative was a yacht jockey named Forbes.
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But New Bob is more of a ’90s kind of guy who can shrug off such minor impertinences.
Maybe Jack Kemp did once spit in his eye, but that’s nothing that can’t be easily cleared up with a piece of Kleenex.
And maybe the rest of the Republican Party was only recently asking itself, “How did we get stuck with this geezer?” But that was the Old Bob, not the New Bob.
The Republican Party now loves the New Bob. That’s because this is the Instant New and Improved Republican Party.
This isn’t Ye Olde GOP, grousing about abortion, fretting about prayer in the schools, darkly mumbling about all the unfair advantages given to–what do Republicans call them?–blacks, Afro-Americans or Negroes. Neeegroes?
Not this new, loving, inclusionary, we-love-everybody Republican Party.
This New Lovey-Dovey Republican Party has shown its capacity to embrace any common, born-poor, African-American Negro who happens to wind up with a galaxy of stars on his shoulders and the rank of chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
And he doesn’t even have to know how to slam-dunk or hit a three-pointer with two seconds left in the game. And liberals claim to embrace the little guy? When did the liberals last express such reverence for a black four-star general?
But I don’t know. I happen to be one of the few voters in America who really liked Bob Dole I–the older, original Dole.
Yes, Old Bob was kind of a grump. When reporters asked stupid questions–the kind that evoke the most embarrassing response–he often said they were stupid.
What’s wrong with that? All across America, ordinary people sit in front of their TV sets and ask of the media blatherers: “Why are you asking such dumb questions?”
But that is not the kind of question the media expect from someone who wants to be this country’s commander in chief. As any political spinmeister will tell you: “When you are asked a stupid, shallow question, give them a stupid, shallow answer.”
So if the New Bob becomes less blunt and outspoken and learns to be bland and non-specific, the media will probably say: “Ah, he has become sensitive, inclusive and less abrasive.”
But as we draw closer to November, and if he is still competitive in the all-important and all-stupid polls, they will say: “He is becoming wishy-washy, all things to all people, and how do we know what he really stands for?”
That will be the critical moment in the campaign. Will he be able to resist the basic urge to be honest, blunt and outspoken?
God help him if he gives in to this fatal weakness.