There was widespread snickering in some cynical circles when former Ald. Juan Soliz explained how he happened to have a sizable amount of cocaine in a briefcase that he plunked down on a metal detector belt at the Criminal Courts Building.
Soliz said that in the first place, he had no idea how the cocaine got in the briefcase.
And in the second place, how the cocaine got there doesn’t appear to matter since he says it wasn’t his briefcase.
Those who scoffed think otherwise. They offer three theories:
First, it was Soliz’s briefcase and his cocaine and he was going to sniff it when he felt the urge.
Second, it was Soliz’s briefcase and his cocaine and he was going to share it with friends who also like to sniff the stuff.
Or third, it was Soliz’s briefcase and his cocaine and he was going to sell it to someone who had the $1,500 street value that the cops placed on it.
Those who offer these harsh theories say it is illogical to think that an experienced lawyer like Soliz would walk into the Criminal Courts Building carrying a briefcase that didn’t belong to him.
Which just shows that there are people who aren’t aware of the greatest philosophical truth of our time. Namely: “Stuff happens.”
Yes, strange stuff, weird stuff, unexplainable, unfathomable stuff. And it happens all the time.
Let us consider what happened to former Ald. Soliz.
When he put the briefcase through the metal detector, the deputy sheriff thought he saw the image of a knife inside. That’s why he had Soliz open the briefcase.
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It turned out that the image was that of a large screwdriver. But opening the briefcase led to the discovery of the cocaine.
As Soliz’s lawyer explained, it is preposterous to think that Soliz would carry a screwdriver in his briefcase, since he is not the handyman type.
And what could be more reasonable than that. Who ever heard of a present or past alderman carrying a screwdriver? Most aldermen have manicured fingernails. If they carry any kind of tool in a briefcase, it would be the key to a secret safe-deposit box.
But the question remains, how did Soliz wind up with a briefcase that not only wasn’t his, but contained a screwdriver and a stash of cocaine?
Soliz says he spent the previous night with his estranged wife and that when he left her home it is possible that he somehow wound up with the incriminating briefcase.
Is that so hard to believe? Everybody knows how it is with estranged wives. You might call it the old estranged-wife-and-the-incriminating-briefcase trick.
I can sympathize with Soliz because of something that once happened to me.
I had been visiting the luxury hotel suite of a famous and gorgeous movie actress to ask her to stop sending me passionate love letters because they really irked my wife.
When I left the luxury suite and the pathetically sobbing movie actress, I grabbed my lunch pail, containing the usual peanut butter and banana sandwich.
Then I went to one of the courthouses to cover the trial of some aldermen who had been caught by FBI cameras stuffing bribe money into their underwear.
I tossed my lunch bucket on the metal detector conveyor belt and suddenly bells and whistles went off, and on the detector screen appeared an image of Super Mario pointing at my lunch pail and shrieking: “Wadda Bad Guy!”
When they opened my lunch pail, they found a Vubitz .48 caliber semiautomatic weapon that ballistics tests showed had been used in a failed assassination attempt on President Boris Blutz of Balzekia.
They also found a 52 carat diamond that had been stolen from the royal jewelry collection in the Tower of London.
There was a thank you note from Fidel Castro, expressing his gratitude for receiving X-rated movies that he could not get in Havana.
And there were two cigar-size marijuana doobies upon which authorities found lip prints that they traced to the late Elvis.
Well, for a moment or two I thought I might be in trouble.
But then I pointed to the evidence that cleared me: a sandwich consisting of salami and Swiss cheese!
And as I explained to the judge: I am on a low cholesterol, low sodium diet, so why would I eat such a thing?
The judge, an understanding sort, chuckled and dismissed the charges.
So I’m sure former Ald. Soliz won’t have any problems. All he has to do is bring a note from his local hardware store saying they never sold him a screw, much less a screwdriver.
Makes sense to me.