Here’s the thing with Bobby Collins:
“I can’t get a (freaking) human on the phone anymore, because when I call some place up, I get a menu. And then you’ve got to, like, wait 20 minutes to get somebody because they just keep transferring you over to things. So therefore, it’s costing me longer, and it’s costing them less than had they used a human instead.
“Oh, it freaks me out. So I don’t call many people.”
Bob’s not kidding. Getting any kind of result through the telephone for him is a dicey prospect at best.
He lost his reading glasses on an airplane recently. When he telephoned the airline (which shall remain nameless), “they made me wait exactly 11 minutes before they got on to tell me that they had to connect me to a baggage claim lost-and-found number. Whereupon I left it after 15 minutes, and my wife, being the stable person in our relationship, continued to hang on for 37 minutes.”
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Add up the total time the couple spent on the telephone, and you’ve got 48 minutes. “Forty-eight minutes out of my (freaking) life!” fumes Collins.
But a representative from the airline finally called, only to tell them they hadn’t found his specs. “I went like this to him: `How about if I tell you exactly where they are?’ ” The rep took that info down. And Collins later got a call from another airline representative, who told him they had found his glasses. They were, naturally, right where Collins told the first rep they were.
At least you’ve got your glasses back, right, Bob?
“Naw, I ain’t going over there. What are you, nuts? I don’t want to read that much.”
Good thing Collins didn’t need them for the meeting he took with executives of a certain television network days before he came to Chicago to work a few days at Zanies this weekend.
The standup comic, who got his start in his native New York 12 years ago, had his brain picked about television. Collins has a clue, seeing as though he has been the host the past two years of VH-1’s “Standup Spotlight.”
“They have no idea. They’re not in touch. And here they are talking to a guy that travels the country . . . (comics are) the massagers, we’re the carny folk, we’re the festival people. We know what the public’s thinking.”
The executives were talking to Collins about possibly hosting a new talk show, something in small quantity on television right now, huh?
“I kind of told them how I would see a show. Meaning, I see a show where people want to be the fly on the wall now. People want to feel like they mean something. I go, `Hey, I’m traveling out there . . . the word `downsizing,’ that scares people. Health insurance scares people.’ “
Instead of common folk like Collins being concerned about international affairs, “I’m thinking about mortgage. I’m thinking about relationship. If I were single, boy, imagine the pressure? You’ve got to boil people nowadays.”
And instead of people eagerly awaiting the coming of the new millennium, “we’re getting a little wacky,” Collins said,”we’re getting scared. We’re putting old guys up for president.”
This talk with the suits is all part of the game, according to Collins, who says he probably won’t be signing up for another year on “Standup Spotlight” because “I think it’s time to move on. . . . I’m not getting any more out of it.”
“They have an idea for something; they want to see if you fit in it. So why not be honest with them. . . . I think a lot of the television that’s on today is fast-food television. It doesn’t work. I mean, I’m not a big television watcher. And I’m inundated with sitcoms. I’m not a sitcom guy. I don’t like sitcoms.”
What will happen now is the suits will call Collins’ manager, who will tell Collins they liked him and want another meeting. “I’ll listen to people. But now I like working on my comedy. I like performing.”
However, Collins knows there is another game that has to be played, one that calls for him to be seen by as many people as possible.
“I’ll always go out to perform, but I also know what pulls that all together. That the most people that you can affect and the most people that can see you, is for me to do a television show. So I’ll do another show, but it’ll have to be the right one.
“Which one would it be? I don’t know, but at least I’m listening to these people. And I’m in no rush. I’ve having a ball. I’m not desperate.”
Bobby Collins is performing Friday at Zanies-Pheasant Run Resort in St. Charles (708-513-1761), and Saturday at Zanies-Vernon Hills (230 Hawthorn Village Commons, Vernon Hills; 708-549-6030).
Wait till next week
This is a pretty good weekend for standup-comedy lovers. Intensely comic hypnotist Gary Conrad is at the Funny Bone out in Naperville (1504 Naper Blvd.-Tower Crossing Shopping Center; 708-955-0500), and saucy Thea Vidale is playing All Jokes Aside (1000 S. Wabash Ave.; 312-922-0577).
But next week is really lining up to be something special, with a string of very funny performers and happenings hitting the Chicago area:
– Richard Lewis, who returned to club action with a set at Zanies last year, will be back at the scene of his crimes at the Wells Street location (1548 N. Wells St.; 312-337-4027) on Wednesday, Thursday and April 19 and 21, with a one-night appearance at Zanies’ location in Vernon Hills set for April 20.
– A man who provides huge laughs with a high-powered performance is Rahn Ramey, and he’ll be stopping in the Funny Bone Thursday through April 20.
– Capping off the week is the talented John Henton, co-star of Fox-TV’s long-running comedy “Living Single” and a comic with a strong Showtime comedy special under his belt. He’s scheduled to perform two shows at the Park West Theatre on April 19 (call the theater at 312-929-1322 for more information).
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Ha, ha, you funny
Happening Wednesday are the latest rounds of competitions for the Miller Genuine Draft Comedy Search. Now in its 10th year, the competition has featured such local talents who have gone on to become national favorites as Bernie Mac, Adele Givens, Cedric The Entertainer and Mark Reedy.
A preliminary round will be held Wednesday at the Taste Entertainment Center, 6331 S. Lowe Ave., and another round is scheduled for Thursday at Different Strokes, 6908 S. Western Ave. The grand-prize winner will receive $5,000 and a shot on HBO’s “Def Comedy Jam.”
The finals are scheduled for May 18 at the New Regal Theatre, with comedy and movie star “Fast” Eddie Griffin set to headline. For details about entering the contest, call 312-563-6300.