Q. I am 74 and my wife is 73. About five years ago I became a born-again Christian. In earlier times I was nothing to write home about morally speaking, and while my wife says she’s a believer, I’m not certain, judging by her words and actions.
For some time my wife has refused to sleep with me in the same bedroom and we have not had a sexual relationship for five years. I fear that I may have been the cause, because several years ago we did indulge in oral sex prior to intercourse and I think I may have spoiled things for her. Could that be?
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My other problem is that about every three or four weeks I masturbate. I know that this is morally wrong but I can’t seem to stop.
You were recently quoted as saying something about the perfect love life could be found in the words of the Bible. As a morally responsible person, can you advise me about what I should or shouldn’t do concerning the two situations I have discussed?
A. Since this has been going on for several years I don’t think the relationship can be fixed by the two of you. You have to talk to a marriage counselor. Having strong religious convictions should not cause the cessation of a couple’s sex life. If you didn’t pressure her into having oral sex, that shouldn’t be the cause either. I can’t guess what it might be, which is why you need to talk things over with an expert who can ask both of you a lot of questions in order to find both the cause of and solution to your problems.
From a sexologist’s point of view, masturbating every couple of weeks to relieve sexual tension is not detrimental. Despite the fact that in my recent book, “Heavenly Sex,” I discuss sexuality as it pertains to the Old Testament, I can’t really comment on the religious aspects of your situation. For that you should talk to your minister. But those old sages who wrote the Bible knew how important sex was to keeping a relationship together, so whatever your beliefs, you should definitely seek help in order to rekindle the fires between you and your spouse.