Everything you wanted to know but were too cold to raise a glove to ask about Opening Day II for Chicago baseball, the winter game:
Question: Why didn’t the White Sox clean house after their disastrous 1995 season?
Answer: Chairman Jerry Reinsdorf apparently thought about it, but decided to go in another direction. Still, he would rather not be like Steve Forbes and spend $41 million to finish third.
Q: When the Sox engage the undefeated Texas Rangers Tuesday afternoon at Comiskey Park, Scottie Pippen will throw out the first ball. Gary Barnett, coach of Northwestern’s miracle Wildcats, did the same at Wrigley Field last week. What does this say about the state of Chicago baseball?
A: It says that the Cubs and Sox are always on the lookout for more pitching.
Q: Why didn’t the Sox ask Michael Jordan?
A: Because the last time he was in Comiskey Park, he retired.
Q: Speaking of the Bulls, will either of Chicago’s baseball teams be able to win 70 games?
A: Honest, we were just joking when we raised that frightening possibility a few months ago. But when the Sox take the field Tuesday, they will trail the Bulls by 64 in the all-important victory column.
Q: Whatever happened to the intracity exhibition game between the Cubs and Sox?
A: They were thinking of staging it sometime in April, but realized that the schedule is just too perfect as is.
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Q: Speaking of that schedule, why is it that California teams like San Diego and Los Angeles opened their regular season in the Astrodome at Houston while the Cubs opened at home?
A: This sort of thing occurs every year. Not long ago, the Seattle Mariners and Minnesota Twins, who both play indoors, opened the season against each other while other teams froze. But that was before baseball became more fan-friendly.
Q: So besides the schedule, baseball isn’t doing anything else stupid?
A: Not so fast. Marge Schott, the queen princess of our national pastime, did express indignation that umpire John McSherry dared to suffer a fatal heart attack during the opener at Cincinnati. If Albert Belle had said what she said, what would he have been fined?
Q: If it never gets warm this summer in Chicago, will the Sox be able to do as well as the Cubs have so far?
A: The Cubs already have dibs on the magic number, 32 Fahrenheit.
Q: Which team is a better bargain for fans?
A: According to Team Marketing Report, it costs $116.47 to seat, park and feed a family of four to a regular-season game at Wrigley Field and $118.93 to do the same at Comiskey Park. To take a family of four to a World Series game in Chicago, it requires that you allocate sufficient funds in your last will and testament, plus instructions for your great-grandchildren to do likewise.
Q: So, that’s as close as Chicago will get to a World Series?
A: Until Greg Maddux pitches against Jack McDowell. Or unless, as has been rumored, the Fall Classic is moved to a neutral site.
Q: After Sunday’s game against California, Frank Thomas accused pitcher Troy Percival of showing him up. Is that a problem?
A: No, that’s progress. Last season, Chuck Finley accused the Sox of not showing up, period. A check of the American League standings indicates he was right.
Q: The Sox haven’t been the same since George Bell blasted them during the playoffs against Toronto in 1993. Has he found happiness as owner of a gas station?
A: Presumably. Have you tried to buy a gallon of unleaded lately?