You may think of the past as fixed, but just as some believe that dreams are coded psychology, your memory changes with your state of mind.
“Memories are just as much about the present as about the past. (Memory) works in the service of establishing who I am right now,” says John Kotre, author of “White Gloves: How We Create Ourselves Through Memory” (Free Press, $22).
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We sift through memories for patterns that define us, he says. That process becomes a tool when we determine whether to accept or reject established perceptions that may say more about stereotypes than individual personality. For example, Kotre says one study determined that many women remember being regarded by family as quiet and, in effect, forgettable, while more men recall being described as rabble-rousers and doers.
Negative perceptions can be reframed, he says. For example, someone struggling under the moniker of family troublemaker might redefine that family memory as “I wasn’t a troublemaker. I was curious.”
Memory can also be a courtship clue. Kotre recommends exploring early memories and turning points in a potential mate to reveal what motivates him.
Stories about turning points provide “insight into what they’re all about, what concerns them. Is it power or intimacy?”
Someone who values power may recall an achievement such as winning the election for class president, while someone who values intimacy may more vividly recall an emotional moment with a friend or parent.