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player ready...As any sensitive person knows, especially those of the modern liberal persuasion, ethnic jokes are considered socially offensive.
So I was appalled by an e-mail letter from a man who actually asked me to tell an ethnic joke in my column.
He said: “Having read you over the years in three Chicago newspapers, I have noted that you manage to upset just about every ethnic and racial group at one time or another.
“However, I can’t remember your ever saying anything infuriating about Swedes or any other Scandinavians. In fact, I don’t remember ever hearing a Swedish joke in my entire life.
“Because I am of Swedish ancestry, I feel left out and a little hurt at being ignored. So does my wife, who has some Norwegian in her background.
“We lead quiet lives, except when the holiday season requires that we drink hot glogg, and we would appreciate having you write something that would get our normally tepid Scandinavian blood boiling with rage.
“With your knowledge of ethnic matters and your gift for giving offense, even when it is not intended, I am sure that you have a Scandinavian joke tucked away. If so, please share it so we, too, can feel part of the insulted mainstream of American life.”
Well, that is what I call a lot of gall. And selfishness too.
Just to satisfy his warped need to feel insulted, he expects me to expose myself to the anger of one of the largest and oldest ethnic groups in the Chicago area.
That’s all I need these days–thousands of blue-eyed blond people named Sven and Ole and Inge gathering outside my office, wearing Viking helmets, flinging smoked herrings and boiled potatoes at my window, and chanting: “Fire dee boom.”
On the other hand, there is something in what the man says about his feeling left out of the “insulted mainstream of American life.”
His complaint is that he has nothing to complain about. In that sense, he is a victim because he is being made to feel dull.
If I ignore his plea for help, I will be shirking my journalistic duty to try to help society’s victims.
So as much as I abhor ethnic humor and ethnic jokes in any shape or form, just this once I will stifle my nausea and fulfill this man’s request.
At this point, I will understand if sensitive readers choose to flee to another part of this paper where they can find something more uplifting.
In fact, I encourage it, since I want to offend as few people as possible, which has always been my policy.
Having said that, I will now grit my teeth and get on with this distasteful business.
– – –
One day this Swedish guy walks into a dingy little storefront travel agency, holds up a page out of a newspaper, and says: “You say in this ad that you have a voonderful luxury cruise for only $69.95. I vant to go on this voonderful luxury cruise.”
The guy behind the counter says: “Sure. Do you have the $69.95 in cash?”
“I sure do,” says the Swede, plunking the money on the counter.
At that point, two big thugs leap out of a closet, whack the Swede on the head, drag his unconscious body out the back door, stuff him in a barrel, and drop the barrel into a river that flows past.
A few moments later, a Norwegian guy walks into the same dingy storefront travel agency, holds up the newspaper and says: “I vant to go on this $69.95 voonderful luxury cruise.”
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The guy behind the counter says: “Sure, you got the fare in cash?”
“You betcha,” says the Norwegian, slapping the money on the counter.
Again, the two big thugs leap out, pound him on the head, drag his limp form out the back door, shove him in a barrel and drop it in the river.
After a while, the Swede and the Norwegian regain consciousness, and they find that their barrels are bobbing along together.
The Norwegian says: “Good afternoon. Tell me, do you happen to know if they serve dinner on this cruise?”
The Swede shakes his head and says: “No, I don’t think so. They didn’t last year.”
– – –
There, the foul deed is done and I really feel dirty. So I must go and bathe before someone asks me to tell the really disgusting one about the Italian general and the German field marshal.