Even for Slats Grobnik, it was a strange question. “Hey, you ever use an outhouse?”
You mean an outdoor toilet?
“Yeah, like they used to have on farms in the old days.”
Well, it has been a long time, but, yes, I have used them.
“So, what do you think?”
About what?
“About an outhouse.”
Think? I don’t think about outhouses. I can’t remember when a thought concerning an outhouse last crossed my mind.
“Then c’mon. Give me a curbstone opinion. Are they good, bad or in between?”
Well, I suppose they get the basic job done, but I definitely prefer in-house comfort and a bit of tile here and there. But why are we sitting here discussing outhouses?
“See? Sometimes you don’t keep up with the issues. I guess you don’t even know that the outhouse is one of those liberal and conservative things.”
That is news to me.
“Then let me straighten you out. I was reading a column by a liberal lady pundit in Washington. You know, the kind who is full of compassion and love for the downtrodden.”
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Yes, I’m familiar with the decency and capacity for love of liberal pundits. Some are quite frank and honest about confessing that they are among the most loving, decent people in our universe.
“Right. So she says that President Clinton is a real true-blue liberal and the outhouse proves it.”
What, is Clinton putting an outhouse outside the White House?
“Nah. She says Clinton is a true liberal because he don’t like outhouses.”
Well, I don’t consider that any kind of liberal/conservative litmus test. I’m sure Pat Buchanan doesn’t like outhouses, although I’ve never asked him. And I’ve never once heard Rush Limbaugh speak favorably of an outhouse.
“You still don’t get it. See, this liberal lady pundit says that when Clinton puts together his federal budget, he wants to get rid of the outhouse.”
Whose outhouse?
“Everybody’s outhouse.”
What do you mean, everybody’s outhouse? Is there some sort of national outhouse I’ve never heard of?
“Uh-uhh, what she means is that there are some parts of the country where people still got outhouses because they don’t have the right kind of plumbing so they can stay home and pull the chain. And she says that Clinton wants to fix things up so everybody has got an indoor toilet.”
Well, that makes sense. As the greatest nation in the history of the world, we have the amazing capacity to put a man on the moon, so we should be able to put every man, woman and child on an indoor toilet seat.
“Yeah, that’s what I’ve always said.”
I’m sure you have. But I still don’t understand how indoor and outdoor toilet seats become some kind of liberal and conservative issue.
“Because this liberal lady pundit says it takes a real liberal president with a big heart to figure out that it’s the job of the federal government to worry about the little guy who ain’t got an indoor toilet and to make sure that he gets one.”
Ah, now I understand. We’re talking about the liberal belief that the federal government should provide the basic needs that have been neglected by local government.
“Yeah, something like that.”
And where were all of these outhouses? Not in Manhattan or Palm Springs, I’m sure.
“Right. The liberal lady pundit says that in the Texas Panhandle and in some parts of Mississippi, you still got people who got to get up at 3 o’clock in the morning and hoof through the darkness to get to their outdoor john.”
Please, don’t call it a john because people with that name are offended and might picket my office.
“OK, they got to go out at night to hit the outdoor can. And that ain’t right, right?”
Right.
“But why should I pay taxes so some guy in Texas can sit on an indoor toilet seat? Or why should a factory worker in Detroit or a bartender in Cleveland have to pay for someone else’s indoor toilet?”
In other words, you are taking more of a conservative position that Texas and Mississippi should be responsible for providing the plumbing facilities that would make it possible for its citizens to sit comfortably indoors.
“Right. And if they don’t do it on their own, then they ought to be ashamed of themselves.”
But what if the states don’t have the funds?
“Then they should put in a toilet tax. Everybody in Texas and Mississippi should pay a few bucks tax for every indoor toilet. That way a rich guy with five toilets would pay more than a working stiff with one toilet.”
Yes, that should please the liberals.
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“And a state toilet tax would mean the federal government wasn’t getting into the toilet business, which would make the conservatives happy.”
But that would deprive Clinton of an opportunity to demonstrate his liberal generosity.
“Hey, he can always try for Jacuzzis.”