Conspiracy theorists, feast on this “action memo” that just arrived from the esteemed National Society of Gasbags:
To: Political Reporters, Pundits and Assorted TelePrompTer Readers:
Re: Upcoming Schedule for Midwest Primaries and Beyond.
Before outlining set pieces for next stage of presidential campaign, thanks are in order for riveting fidelity to our initial story schedule. A reminder of where we’ve led our simpleton customers:
Clinton is Dead. Setting stage for primary campaign, we underscored virtual hopelessness of incumbent. We forced him to respond to whether he was “relevant” at April press conference, stressed ascendancy of House Speaker Newt Gingrich in setting national “agenda” and gave legitimacy to murmurings about Clinton not running again. What about Vice President Gore forsaking his own historic mission–namely installing video-display terminals in every kindergarten and delicatessen–and leading party instead? If not, maybe Bill Bradley.
Bob Dole: Weak But Inevitable. It was “his turn.” No way to beat that years-in-the-making organization and endorsements, especially from charismatic array of GOP governors, like Jim Edgar of Illinois.
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Money, Money, Money. Good work in buying Sen. Phil Gramm’s dictum of a candidate’s needing $20 million to get into the game. We stressed that he’s a sourpuss but had the dough, stays “on message” and had those all-important social conservatives in tow. Any nincompoop could see that he’d be around for the long run and face Dole in key Super Tuesday showdown of Southern states on March 12.
Discontented Masses. Thanks for running to Dallas for Ross Perot extravaganza in which we again saw evidence that Americans are tired of business as usual and ready to embrace revolutionary GOP House freshmen, at least the several still married and not extorting money from political action committees. Perot gives Larry King a 17th exclusive interview (“Helsinski, you’re on with Ross Perot!”). The electorate’s mood? Volatile.
Steve Forbes? Running for president? A wife and daughter named Sabina? Glad we saved some space on Page 5 of the Saturday paper for this one.
Steve Forbes! We noticed that this flat-tax thing had clearly tapped a vein. We did nifty, reflexive search on mishmash of items he calls a column in his magazine, enabling us to disclose troubling past pronouncements (assuming somebody could explain to us the gold standard). We got those national magazine covers ready. Hope, growth and opportunity for circulation directors!
Colinmania. He’s agonizing. Will he? Won’t he? It’s clear: We need him, America needs him, so he will.
CNN Breaking News. “Crossfire’s” own Pat Buchanan is back. Snooze. We’ve been there, done that. Maybe he picks up the trailer-park fringe but that’s it. Start quoting that nasty address to the last GOP convention, the one that writer Molly Ivins said sounded better in the original German.
Sad Day for America. Colin, the Bronx native, says fah-gedda-bout-it.
Lamar? Sure, we know he’s phony, but the outsider shtick and born-again conservative thing could work. And he gives great C-Span. When Dole drops, he’s the man. Thanks for the stories on how White House sources indicated they feared Lamar more than anyone but also for stories indicating that his tangled Tennessee business deals explained why the White House craved to face him.
State of the Union. Dole’s GOP response to Clinton is deathly, we decree after feverish morning of gabbing to campaign consultants and other members of the society. His campaign was in “free-fall,” says Time. Meanwhile, Tubby from Arkansas, left for dead a few months back, is looking better, more confident, especially on those foreign trips. And Newt himself now verged on irrelevance after failed budget fight and dramatic furlough of Census Bureau and other federal workers. Tubby’s line about the “era of big government is over” during State of the Union was a crock but may work.
Iowa. Dole a shoo-in. He’s from next door. If anybody upsets him, as Time notes, it is obviously Gramm; too much money and organization.
Iowa. Dole wins but is battered front-runner. No message, no vision, no subject-verb agreement. Mr. Crossfire is exploiting the anxious class. Rev up the magazine covers on the king of nasty.
New Hampshire. The ultimate winner must take this; if not why would 10,000 members of our society show up? One member, David Nyhan of Boston Globe, writes that Dole campaign “is coming down like an ancient White Mountain spruce. You don’t want to be standing next to this baby when it hits.” Lamar, he writes, is positioned perfectly.
Bob is Dead. Mr. Crossfire wins New Hampshire! Brilliantly sensing nation’s economic travail, he may now ensure a brokered convention. The Kansan stumbles and, as savant R.W. Apple Jr. of New York Times concludes, we’re assured of a competitive mess for months ahead. He also informs that Granite State’s real winner is probably, yup, Lamar! Columnist Robert Novak writes that Dole’s “stunning defeat . . . throws the Republican Party into turmoil not seen in a generation.” Tubby looks like a lock.
Forbes? Finished.
Delaware. Forbes wins. Alive.
Arizona. Forbes wins. He’s changed American politics, raising “troubling questions” for future of democracy. Dole is second, and Newsweek’s Howard Fineman pronounces him “toast” on CNN show as snide, know-nothing Tribune co-panelist looks on, not knowing what to think.
South Carolina. Just like we said, organization is everything. Dole now ascendant, looking like tallest of Redwoods. Mr.Crossfire, Lamar and Forbes are toast. We dropped anxious class riff since “values” clearly more important to voters, especially as economy creates jobs at record pace. Kansan looking more confident, finding voice and crafting a vision. Could be formidable, so prepare features on Bob and Liddy’s prospective Winter White House in Bal Harbour, Fla.
Now, guys, here’s quickie lineup for the next few weeks:
Us Versus Them. Point out mild twist of national yearning to throw out insiders has given us incumbent president against a guy who lives in the Watergate and brunches at the Hay-Adams Hotel.
Colin as VP. Got to do it, for our sake.
What Does Pat Want? To butt out, will he accept a 6 p.m. speech slot on the convention’s second night and six hours with Brian Lamb on an extended “Booknotes” on C-Span?
Whitewater. It means nothing. We don’t understand it. But if special prosecutor Kenneth Starr has something up his sleeve, we must admit it: Hillary might look mahvelous in a Leavenworth-issue, powder blue jumpsuit.
Dole, really? Enough of the new-confidence line. He’s a moth-eaten mechanic not up to rigors of the long haul. And federal prosecutors in Chicago will indict Archer Daniels Midland in big anti-trust case, so polish off Dole-as-shill-for-ADM tales. Unidentified “influential Republicans” must voice doubts about his being able to handle Clinton.
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Perot. Can Dole persuade him to get out? “Munich, you’re on with Ross Perot!”
Jesse & Co. As Clinton splits to the center, where do Jesse Jackson and the Democratic Left go? This is especially good for anguished op-ed pieces.
Land mines. So much for tranquility. Messes play out in Bosnia, Middle East, Northern Ireland and Cuba. Clinton the Courageous may become Bill the Bungler. Society members must call George Bush down in Houston and ask how a guy so strong in January could go into the tank in July, proving us so utterly inept.