With yet another NBA season about to inflict itself upon us, we find there are fortunately exactly as many answers as there are questions.
Q–With a full training camp and regular season behind him, by the playoffs, will he be the old Michael Jordan?
A–Older than he wants to be.
Q–Can anything keep the Houston Rockets from three-peating?
A–A midseason trade for Vernon Maxwell.
Q–Is it true that since Pat Riley left New York for Miami, he will be required to dress in long shorts with a white belt, black socks and shoes, a baggy shirt with four pockets on the front and be seated by 6:30 or miss the early bird special?
A–And wear sun block on his nose.
Q–What happens if Dennis Rodman and Anthony Mason show up at a Bulls-Knicks game with the same message carved into their hair?
A–One of them loses his library card.
Q–What is the difference between Rodman’s tattoos and Cher’s tattoos?
A–Location, location, location.
Q–How difficult will it be for Kevin Garnett to go directly from high school to Minnesota?
A–It’s not like Minnesota is in the NBA, or anything.
Q–Now that Hakeem Olajuwon of Lagos, Nigeria, has made the U.S. Olympic basketball team, for whom will Luc Longley of Perth, Australia, get to play?
A–Unfortunately, the Bulls.
Q–What’s the name for the defense that collapses on Shaquille O’Neal when he gets the ball underneath the basket?
A–Kindling.
Q–Where does Doug Collins get off giving up a great job second-guessing every team in the NBA on TV to get second-guessed as the coach of the Detroit Pistons?
A–Last place.
More Top Picks Bryant Air Conditioner Reviews
Q–Since Clyde Drexler has won his championship ring, is it Charles Barkley’s turn or Karl Malone’s?
A–Penny Hardaway’s.
Q–Now that the NBA has opened shop in Vancouver and Toronto, does that mean Canada, too, loves this game?
A–Like road salt on a rocker panel.
Q–What have the Celtics found to replace the mystique and tradition of Boston Garden?
A–The CBA.
Q–What would you call a starting five of Chris Webber, Latrell Sprewell, Isaiah Rider, Derrick Coleman and Christian Laettner?
A–Brats “R” Us.
Q–Where does Toni Kukoc fit into the Bulls lineup now that Dennis Rodman is starting?
A–First Croat in.
Q–Now that Jordan is back, can there be any question of Scottie Pippen’s carrying the Bulls?
A–Paper or plastic?
Q–What would you call it if the Seattle Sonics lost in the first round of the playoffs for the third year in a row?
A–A triple-double choke.
Q–By his usual standards, hasn’t coach Larry Brown been in Indianapolis for too long?
A–By anyone’s standards, staying long enough to sneeze is too long.
Q–The way they play basketball under Mike Fratello, what could be more boring than Cleveland?
A–See Indianapolis.
Q–Is it true that Muggsy Bogues can dribble under a cocker spaniel?
A–Without bending over.
Q–What will new basketball city Vancouver think of rookie center Bryant “Big Country” Reeves?
A–For this we should miss hockey?
Q–What is the date Magic Johnson will once again announce he will not, though he could, play for the Lakers?
A–February through April.
Q–Isn’t that weird?
A–That’s not weird. That’s just the NBA.