“So, what happened to those dirty scum bags?” Slats Grobnik asked. “Those rotten murderers, rapists, child killers, thieves and enemies of everything good and decent and democratic?”
To what vile scum bags are you referring?
“The military bullies who have been running Haiti. The murdering bums we was going to throw out because they’re so evil. You remember-either they get out or we invade and shoot our way in and throw them out. Wasn’t that the deal?”
Oh, you mean way back when?
“Whattaya mean way back when? It was only last weekend.”
Ah, but in the fast-paced World of Clinton, last weekend is long, long ago. Yes, that was our position then, as I vaguely recall, but times change.
“You mean they ain’t rotten scum bags no more? They ain’t murderers, rapists, child killers, thieves and enemies of everything good and decent and democratic? Have they reformed?”
Sort of. Yes, they have become reasonable, likable, decent chaps.
“Jeez, that’s really something. What did they do, take Prozac?”
More Top Picks Best Amazon Prime Big Deal Days Running Shoe Deals 2026 Sale
No, what they did was to kindly allow us not to kill them.
“Say what?”
Yes. Last week, the situation was this: They were vile dictators, guilty of terrible crimes against democracy and their people.
“That’s what I been saying.”
And you were right. Last week, that is. So President Clinton vowed to send in our troops to throw the villains out. And if they didn’t get out, it is assumed we would either capture them or let them shoot it out to the death.
“Yeah, I was kind of looking forward to it. When was the last time we really zapped some rats?”
Ah, but you were in the minority.
“Whattaya mean, minority? I happen to be a middle-aged white guy, which makes me a majority louse.”
Yes, but your views were in conflict with the polls. Most Americans, with the possible exception of black congressmen, did not care a hoot about Haiti, a miserable dogpatch of a country with no vital interest to the United States.
“But what about restoring democracy?”
You are a real kidder. Most Americans are not that enthusiastic about democracy in Haiti or anywhere else. Given a choice, they would like to see military martial law imposed on New York, Los Angeles, Chicago and other unruly city states. The first American president to send the troops into Detroit or Chicago’s West Side will be re-elected by a landslide.
“You’re right. I’ll pin a medal on Gen. Shillally’s chest if he shoots a member of the Insane Idiots. I mean, one over 21. Being a liberal, I don’t believe in shooting 11-year-olds.”
Of course not. So there we were, the most powerful nation in the history of the world, sending our troops toward dinky little Haiti, prepared to kill all the evil, murdering, raping, child-killing, profiteering, anti-democratic, military dictators.
“Yeah, I loved it. Especially since it’s hard to lose a war with a dinky country, and I didn’t have to do none of the invading and shooting. But what happened?”
The polls. The reality is, even if we won, we would lose. See, there are fewer Haitian troops than there are Chicago cops. In fact, Haiti has about the same number of people as Chicago and its suburbs. But it has far fewer military people than we have cops. So the big question about Haiti is this: Why didn’t the Haitian people rise up and overthrow a rather dinky military force?
“So why didn’t they?”
Good question, but no answer. Maybe they don’t give a hoot. Or lack spunk. Whatever the reason, we have 7 million people oppressed by 7,000 troops. That’s 1,000 citizens for each oppressive rat. You would think they could easily squash them.
“Yeah. One thousand-to-one is pretty good odds.”
But for whatever reasons, they were docile and didn’t rise up against these thugs. So while Haitians snoozed, the United States sent our troops to do it. But on the way, something happened.
“What happened?”
The boss rats knew they’d be killed.
“So they ran away like the rats they is.”
No, they stayed and cut a deal with Jimmy Carter, who has been looking for a way to get in the history books in a nice way since the prime rate went up to 18 percent during his term. They said that their 7,000 bumbling Haitian troops wouldn’t fight our 10,000 American badasses. They would not let us kill them if we agreed to let them stay in Haiti, give them respect, let them stick around and treat their own people like doo-doo, and talk about them like they are good guys and give them respect.
“That don’t sound like no deal to me. That sounds like a cave-in. Rats is rats. And we either treat rats like rats or we wind up looking like wimps.”
Ah, but you know little about foreign relations. And even less about the polls.
More Top Picks Opendyslexic Font Does It Actually Work
“You are a stiff.”
God bless America.
“I try.”