What’s happened to this country’s backbone, our spunk, our patriotism, our old get-up-and-go spirit?” asked Slats Grobnik, glaring at the bar’s TV set. “Just listen to all those slackers talking about why we shouldn’t invade Haiti. I can’t believe we are that gutless.”
It is not a matter of courage. The vast majority of Americans don’t believe it is in our national interest to launch a military operation.
“Then they don’t know what’s going on. Have you ever seen Haiti on TV?”
Of course.
“Then you know they’re a pretty scruffy bunch, right? There’s about 7 million of them, and most can’t read or write, got bad teeth, and spend most of their time just hanging out.”
It is a troubled society, I would agree.
“Well, you want ’em around?”
Around where?
“Around here, that’s where. You want 7 million Haitians moving into the neighborhood? You want them showing up in your back yard, peeking in through your windows, dropping down the chimney into your parlor? Think about that.”
Why should I think of a Haitian dropping down my chimney?
“Because that’s what’s gonna happen if people don’t rally around Clinton. There’s 7 million Haitians, and they got one goal in life-to sneak into this country. You know how many Haitians 7 million of them is?”
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Well, a lot of Haitians, I suppose.
“I’ll tell you how many. That’s the same as the population of the whole city of Chicago and all the suburbs from Gary to the Wisconsin border and out to the Fox River. Imagine the kind of traffic jam they’d cause because most of them can’t drive, and those that can would be asking for cab licenses, which there ain’t enough to go around. And they do that voodoo.”
They do what?
“Voodoo. I read about it, sticking pins in dolls, putting curses, making zombies. They know all the tricks. Yeah, how would you like to be sitting in your house when all of a sudden you get a terrible pain in your belly because the Haitian guy next door is sticking a pin in a doll that looks like you? What are you going to do when you cut your grass and see the Haitian guy next door waving a dead chicken at you?”
That seems highly unlikely.
“Yeah, that’s what they said about a baseball strike. The trouble with you and most people is that you don’t see the big picture like me and President Clinton do.”
And what is this big picture?
“It’s as plain as the funny nose on your face. The big picture is we’re being invaded. You got 7 million Haitians just waiting to jump in orange crates and rum barrels to paddle to this country.”
Then we will turn them away.
“Can’t. The bleeding hearts and do-gooders won’t let us. And even if we tried, what would happen? We’d be so busy with the Haitians that the Cubans would sneak in. And if we chased the Cubans, nobody would be watching the border and a couple of million more Mexicans would sneak in. So if we chased the Mexicans, here come the Haitians and the Cubans. And what happens if all those Frenchies in Canada decide to come down here?”
Why would they want to do that?
“You never know with Frenchies because you don’t know what they’re talking about. That’s why they talk French, to confuse the rest of us. So tell me, you want this country invaded by 7 million Haitians, a few million Cubans, millions more Mexicans and a lot of Frenchies? There wouldn’t be a cabbie in America who could speak English. Boy, talk about having your lifestyle goofed up.”
And that is the big picture? That we are being invaded?
“Sure, and Clinton knows because he’s from Arkansas, and people in that state know a foreign invader when they see one. You can go from one end of Arkansas to the other and you won’t catch nobody doing voodoo. In Arkansas, they know what to look out for. So that’s why we got to invade Haiti first, to stop them from invading us.”
Then what? Do we invade Cuba and Mexico?
“Why not? I’ve been saying for years that we ought to just march in and take over Mexico. The Mexicans have had that country a long time, and what have they got to show for it besides inventing some spicy food? They got a lot of valuable oil down there, but oil don’t taste good in jalapeno sauce, so they haven’t bothered to dig it out and it’s going to waste. Yeah, if we went in and took over Mexico, then they couldn’t sneak in here because we’d have our troops on both sides of the border. We’d get them coming and going.”
I really think your approach to foreign affairs is unrealistic.
“OK, but when some guy shows up on your front porch waving a dead chicken, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”