If you shut it down early Monday night, the Bears beat you to it.
Were Mike Ditka still the coach in charge, he probably would rant and rave about this team being in disarray. But Dave Wannstedt, the kinder and gentler successor, might suggest that his team is merely in transition.
Take your pick, or try for a better idea. Award punter Chris Gardocki the game ball and charge the rest of them with stage fright.
The Bears were not ready for prime time Monday night, or the Philadelphia Eagles. It is virtually impossible to dig a hole on the alabaster floor of treacherous Veterans Stadium, but the Bears burrowed their way to defeat with dishonor Monday night, shattering even modest records of Wannstedt’s young regime.
By falling behind 21-0 in the second quarter, the Bears thus surrendered more than two touchdowns for the first time in any single game under this coach who would be savior. Wannstedt thought it safe to say that his Bears, if for no other reason than their proud defense, would be in every contest.
Then he watched Monday night’s embarrassment. An empty bus pulled up to the visitors’ locker room, and the Bears got out. They offered no resistance to the Eagles, who were supposed to be a squad in turmoil, tentative and dispirited.
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Jeffrey Lurie, who paid $185 million for the privilege of being seen, was cheered as he preened like a rookie owner should before the home opener. But when Randall Cunningham, Philadelphia’s quarterback under pressure, handed off on the first two plays, the sellout crowd booed. That could explain the rumor of Lurie having dinner with Jimmy Johnson last weekend.
The Bears, though, took the heat off coach Rich Kotite, too. It didn’t hurt the Eagles one bit that Donnell Woolford, who heard bells during Philadelphia’s first scoring drive, was taken off in a cart shortly after it became 7-0. The Bears he left behind had no wheels, either. If Woolford is that important, he ought to be an owner.
They blew coverage, as if on cue, and that cured whatever ailed Cunningham last week against the Giants. He was unsure, missing open receivers and ignoring others. He was sacked five times. He looked like he had abandoned his usual recklessness for a safety-first mode, the bane of an athlete injured as often as Cunningham has been lately.
But Cunningham was unbothered as he directed traffic on this one-way street. He threw for 250 yards in the first half and had to carry the ball only once. Passing lanes were that open. Pressure on Cunningham was that non-existent. And to think how close the Bears came to bungling that free lunch last week against Tampa Bay.
Monday night’s sleepwalk was the sixth straight loss for the Bears in this time slot, not that defeat to Philadelphia should be inevitable. The Bears had won seven straight against the Eagles, including by 17-6 here last October, a game in which relief quarterback Bubby Brister completed mission implausible. He threw two interceptions to Bears defensive linemen. That was also the day Wendell Davis fell on this rockpile disguised as artificial turf and felt both kneecaps relocating in his thighs.
There have been other memorable clashes. The 1986 game at Soldier Field, won 13-10 by the Bears in overtime, was Buddy Ryan’s second as head coach after he left the Super Bowl champions. Then there was the 1988 playoff in Chicago, the Fog Bowl that went to the Bears 20-12. The year before, the Spare Bears slaughtered Philadelphia 35-3 in a strike game before 60,000 empty seats.
Ryan made his mark during the impasse by dismissing the make-believe Eagles for what they were. The real Eagles loved him for his anti-management stance. Ditka, meanwhile, took a different position. The real Bears read all about it and never forgave him.
Now, how does Wannstedt absolve his Bears for walking out Monday night?