It’s difficult for Ben Presto to carry on a telephone conversation. His other line keeps ringing.
“There it goes again,” he says. “Hold on, I’ll be back in a minute.”
About two minutes later, he returns and says: “Yeah, it was another one of them.”
By “them” he means students or applicants at Wright College on the Northwest Side.
All day long, they call and ask Presto about their grades, the room number for a class, if their credits have been transferred, have they been accepted, and every other conceivable question that can be asked of a college admissions office.
Which would be OK if Presto worked in a college admissions office. But he doesn’t. He operates a one-man business, installing and servicing TV satellite dishes.
But he is the victim of someone else’s telephone mistake. As a result, he gets almost as many calls for the Wright College admissions office as the admissions office does.
The mistake was simple. When Wright had its catalogs printed last year, someone gave the printer the wrong number for the admissions office. It was the number for Presto’s new business.
By the time the error was spotted, thousands of the catalogs had been distributed to students and Chicago-area high schools.
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When Wright realized what had happened, clerks went through the remaining catalogs, inked out Presto’s number and pasted in the correct one.
But it couldn’t do anything about the thousands of catalogs that were out there in the hands of present, past or future students.
And there are times when the harried Presto feels like he has talked to every student in the school’s history.
“The guy who called just now,” Presto relates, “I told him I wasn’t the admissions office and I gave him their number, but he didn’t believe me and he kept saying he needed information. And I kept saying, `No, this is the wrong number, but I can give you the right one.’
“Some of them just don’t listen, even though I answer the phone with my company name-Presto Satellites. They just start asking about their grades, credits, schedules.
“Hold on, there’s the other line.”
He returns in a couple of minutes. “Yep, another one. Even though it drives me crazy at times, I try to be polite and helpful. It isn’t the students’ fault. They call the number in the catalog.
“And the people at Wright say there isn’t anything they can do about it. I’ve told them they should pay me what they pay their switchboard operators. And I asked them that if they buy a satellite dish, they should buy it from me to compensate me for all the trouble they’ve caused me. They don’t like my ideas.”
I sympathize with people like Presto because I’ve had a similar problem for about 10 years.
It began when AT&T put in a 1-800 number for people with telephone problems.
When people dialed 1-800 and the number, they got AT&T.
But for reasons I don’t understand-maybe they think they’ll save money-many people skip the 1-800 and just dial the number.
Then they get my office.
If they’re lucky, my assistant, a nice lady, answers the phone. She tells them to dial 1-800 etc.
If they are not lucky, they get me, a pitiless, unforgiving person. I know that they have ignored the proper dialing instructions. So their indifference and stupidity is what has made my phone ring.
And I might answer in a variety of ways. For example:
“You say your phone doesn’t work properly? Well, that is your tough luck, bozo. This company has been bought by Yawoola, an oil-rich Arab nation, and we are going to teach you lazy Americans not to abuse precious phone privileges. As of tomorrow, you are forbidden to use a phone. If you violate this order, your ear will be cut off. This is your last warning. Goodbye.”
Sometimes I ask for the caller’s name. If it is ethnically or racially identifiable, I might say: “I am sorry, but we no longer provide service for people of your ethnic or racial background because you are notorious for being drunks, deadbeats, cutthroats, philanderers, degenerates and you have no need for a telephone because you have nothing intelligent to say since your genes and DNA are inferior. May the Lord have mercy upon your worthless soul, farewell forever.”
And once in a while, I might say: “You got problems with your phone? Hey, we all got troubles. My old lady just cleaned out the checking account and ran off with my favorite bartender and best buddy. And I got a prostate problem. And my boss hates me. And you are calling me about some stupid buzzing in your phone? Hey, I am a human bomb ready to explode. Don’t mess with me, you hear?”
They usually hang up, and I’m sure it gives them something to think about until they finally dial the correct number for AT&T.
So if you must call AT&T, be sure to follow the instructions. And if you or someone in your family has a need to call the Wright College admissions office, the correct number is 312-481-8200. Tell them Ben Presto sent you.